Wake Me Up When September Ends 25

30 SEPT 2012

Dear, you....

It's the last day of September, finally.....

Hopefully today is really the last day, and tomorrow I can see you again.

Some people been asking me about you. Well I can only clarify as far as I can, I understand about your need to take some time alone, instead of what they think about you're running away. And a friend also been budging me about how I feel.

To be honest, I am not sure about what I feel.

I know I really miss you, and I know I really need you, because I know I really love you. But it is true that expectation of waiting can be suffering. See I've told you before, it's kinda scared me a little. I am happy, that I am sure of :), if you really come home and see me tomorrow. I just hope it won't be awkward and weird. 

The past month without you, has taught me a lot of things.

Patience. Wisdom. Love.

How to appreciate our times before. To cherish small things that some people think are meaningless, yet they hold precious memories of you. 

How to understand more about the path we took together.

Though the mysteries aren't quite clear yet on why we met, but I know, God has plans.

Through the heartbreak and tears, I learn, about how to love you truly.

I'll just have to wait and see for tomorrow. No matter what have you become, I'll be waiting....

.bie.

" You can never really get over some one because after you fall in love with them, they will always be a part of you, the best part. - @damnitstrue "

Wake Me Up When September Ends 24

28-29 SEPT 2012

Dear, you....

I've been beaten up by my own body lately.

I don't know why but I felt weak lately, barely got spare energy, so most of the time I just looked like a lazy bum on the bed. 

I went past your home lately, on my way to work. Every time I go along that road and see your home, I wonder have you come home yet? We miss you.

We?

Yeah... Me and this guy :p.

So he is having the same ear infection as before, and he got 2 shots, and some prescription pills for the next few days. He gained weight :). Around 16 kgs now. Padahal kelihatan kurus yah. But he has big bones. Super excited as always, he didn't even look hurt at all. He's a bit scared though when riding the car, because I didn't drive there myself. I asked Pak No to take us there, and believe it or not, the only person Zorro ever scared of is him. I don't know why, nobody knows why, tapi memang Zorro kalau lihat ada Pak No, gak mau deket-deket.

I am sure he doesn't forget about you. :) Do you want to see him again?

Today I went to work as usual. A bit busy and tiring as usual. I am a bit annoyed with myself, why I feel sooooo tired even when I barely do anything. But this afternoon I went to Solo Optic, to finally order the new lenses. For the glasses that we bought together, remember? :) Tadi disana dicharge 300k, gak terlalu banyak nanya, kayanya mereka sendiri sudah nentuin pakai lensa yang mana. Aku mau tanya-tanya banyak juga gak enak. 

Lalu malam hari aku ajak family ke Solo Square, sebenarnya karena aku butuh ke Body Shop aja sih, cuma males nyetirnya hehehe. Jadi aku rayu mereka untuk anterin kesana. SOLO MACET GILA sekarang kalau malam, apalagi kalau weekend. 

a slighty tilted preview... TOO MANY bikes and cars around.

Jadi inget kita dulu sering puter-puter kota terus juga stuck di macet begini hehehe.

Tapi kan kamu yang nyetir jadi aku enak :p. It's been a while we don't do it. :)

And every little corner of this city reminds me of you..... :(

.bie.

...... tired of missing you

Wake Me Up When September Ends 23

26-27 SEPT 2012

“ The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting. ” 

― Andy Warhol

“ Of all the hardships a person had to face, 

none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting. ” 

― Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns

Dear, you...

:)

It's almost the end of September. It's getting closer. Only few days more, and I guess I will see you again?

To be honest, I have mixed feelings. Since few days ago, I get really nervous when I think about you. Ada perasaan seperti deg-deg'an, terkadang merasa seperti sesak, atau takut? I don't know it's kinda like I'm having a breakdown. Even with I tried to calm myself down for the past two days, I am still feeling nervous as I typed this post. 

Di satu sisi, I am really excited to see you again. Got really impatient and really hoping that the day of you promised to be back here, will come soon. I miss you so much. I can rewind memories about us over and over again, just to remember about you. 

But on the other side, I am also scared. We don't even talk to each other for a month, so I am kinda scared that things might be different between us. Will you be different? Will you act differently towards me? Will you stay? Those are the things that always run in my mind. 

Guess I just have to wait and see. But in all seriousness, it is true that even though it is exciting, to have something to wait for, the waiting and anticipation itself do make me really nervous.

Frankly, I am not ready for another goodbye. The thing I am scared the most is if you really is saying goodbye. I am just not ready to let you go, even though I should. I know that worrying too much won't get me better. As I pray, I hope you will come back as the better old you, not the brand new you that I don't recognize anymore. :( You see, I love you and I don't want to lose you because my life has been better since the day I found you.-@damnitstrue

01 October 2012

I want this day to be magical.

~*~

So about my days....

Well I can't do what I planned before. Remember that I told you that I might be going to Sby to attend the KPIN? Turned out I can't :(. Due to work situation. The manager requires me to do a  report that is basically a bit more thorough report of what I am doing weekly, which is actually not too hard to do, but I need to check everything thoroughly so it takes more time. I can not take days off to go out-town.

Feeling so bummed about this.

I sometimes feel tired of my days. I am not sure if it's because of my low-mood of not having you here, although I think it does count, or maybe because I have very little energy right now.

Hmm.. maybe I do need to start working out regularly soon. Like going to gym or something.

And I do get an invitation to do blood-donor thing again from the company on Monday, which is the 01 Oct. I might be doing it, it's been a while since the last time I did it, so maybe if we do meet up at night, I hope I am strong enough. 

Quick news,

I checked up on Zorro's ears just now. Was planning to clean it as usual, but turns out it was injured a lil bit. :( I was suspicious when I playfully slap his left ear earlier, he squeaked. I knew something must be wrong. So before bed, I tried to look at it, and it did look bad. Not really bad, just some redness, but it's a bit moist. I'm guessing there must be an ear infection due to fungus again, as it had happened before, but it is worse because it actually gets wet constantly, and I blame Cleo for this because she always bites Zorro's ear when she plays with him. (T_T) I need to take Zorro tomorrow to the vet, so I plan on taking a day off of work. Zorro looks okay though, still very happy and excited and hyperactive. He just doesn't want me to check on his ears. Maybe he's scared it will hurt. He doesn't look like he's hurting. He does try to scratch his ear a lot. I don't want to wait til Saturday to take him to the vet. 

I miss Ruffy. Really I DO. (T_T) How is she? I hope she's okay.

.bie.

....... awkwardly waiting for you.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 22

Pistanthrophobia

 The common fear of trusting people,

 due to past experiences with relationships gone bad.

- @firstworldfacts

24-25 SEPT 2012

Dear, you...

Yeah, I skipped a day of writing. :(

It's not like I didn't have anything to say to you, but I've been extremely tired lately, which I don't really know why, that I actually slept longer than usual yesterday. Didn't plan to actually, I was still snuggling into your shirt when I fell asleep, and ended up sleeping for almost 10 hours. Felt refreshed at the morning of course, though I felt bad for not writing here for yesterday.

So today I am still thinking about the same thing, how I keep distance from people. This morning I had another interesting conversation, with someone "somehow related" to me (which I think you can guess, as I can't really disclose the names due to respect). So another event has happened which put me in disadvantage. I can't really stress out the details in here.

In the nutshell, I feel like another similar situation is happening, how people think they do what's best, and they think it's better, which is actually if it's looked through properly, it's not. And the outcome of those action affected me negatively.

Well, I don't really mind, if people judging me only from their own perspectives, and I don't demand them to understand about me. 

But I gotta say, sometimes it sucks.

~^~

I still remember the day we met.

I still couldn't believe myself actually, why I did agree to meet up with you.

Was it because you're really skillful in wooing girls, or you really meant it to break my walls?

Just now when I was reminiscing the old day, I realized that meeting you was really different from the rest. I don't enjoy meeting new people. I don't enjoy small-talks. When I am on a date, very often I can't wait for the date to be over and go home. 

Did you remember our first date? We agreed on having dinner, on that place that now I consider my happy place, and watching movies. Never really planned on doing anything else, but then after the movie ended, you asked me to go to that cafe first before going home. Do you remember what time it was? Almost 10 PM, and I had to go home soon. But stupidly I said okay. That should have been my first clue on how you were gonna totally change my world.

And how I can act ridiculously silly with you.

You should be proud of yourself, because only you can do that. 

And that's another way for me of knowing that I love you. For when I am with you, I never want it to end so soon.

And only you can make me comfortable enough to bring out my inner-child.

~^~

I've been going to Starbucks so often lately. (^^)v

For the most parts because Novita is also there quite often. I want to show you our usual place to hang out. It's outdoor because they are smokers, but this is my fave spot too.

One of those tables. In the corner.

And I always sit in the chair that's facing outside. Why?
So I can see this.

The Lights.

Is it nice? :)

Every time I go here, I think about you. Yes, I think about you anytime, anywhere. But here there are few factors that remind me of you.

I totally want to take you here. :(

It has coffee. And it's outdoor. 

Where we can see city lights. People. The moon.

And........ listening to the smooth jazz music the barristas put on.

I never really listen to jazz before I met you, and you made me hooked on it. I like it very much, and every time I listen to it, I think about you.

This night is an almost great night. Not too breezy night, not too hot either. Relaxing smooth jazz music on. Yummy drinks. There's only one thing missing from making this a great night. You.

.bie.

.... missing and loving you as always

Wake Me Up When September Ends 21

Tulusnya cinta, meski tak lagi bersama, kadang rasa benci hadir dalam dada, 

kamu tetap tak pernah melewatkan seharipun tanpa merindukannya.

- @pepatah

23 SEPT 2012

Dear, you...

Hari ini ada yang menarik, dari sedikit conversation with CT. Yes, he did contact me again lately. In a crazy yet twisted way, he always makes me thinking about myself.

As you know, he's been trying to get me back, with his own intention which I totally don't want to find out anymore. I am pushing him away, I barely replied to his messages, and when I did reply, I reply with very clear hesitation. And I did it because I don't want the same thing that happened to me few years ago, happen again the future. It does seem like an appropriate way to deal with someone that's hurt us in the past, right?

Only, he did say that I'm not pushing him only away. I am also pushing another people away, even though they never made any errors toward me. He pointed out that I've been like that since the very first beginning. And that I should change. Change the way I am, to be more open to people, so they can communicate well with me, as he found out it is difficult to talk with me.

I reminded him, that one time, I did allow him to enter my world, as my someone. And what he did to anything he knew about me, he used it as tools to make even weaker in my already-depressed-condition, and abused me. So I said, how can he expect me to trust him again and be more open to him? It But he did point out that I never really had friends. Much due to myself, pushing people away. I don't socialize much, and even when some friends try to be closer to me, my reaction sometimes would be rejecting them.

Well... It's not totally wrong. I am. I am scared. Ever since I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and I've seen and experienced some things that a girl shouldn't grew up with ( still experiencing by the way....) , I feel it's natural to be like that. And I'm building layered-walls, not just ONE, BUT MANY, with every heartbreaks, every sufferings, every disappointments, really thick ones so people don't get in easily. I just think that most of people can't understand. They think they understand, but actually they don't. And most people only like to hear dramas of my life, not really concerning about what I feel inside.

 

The walls still exist until now. And I'm not even sure I've ever stopped building. It's like there's a poster on the wall that says “Warning! Crazy person inside.” 

Sometimes, when I do disclose things about me, it's only because I got so fed up with my life and I want people to know, what was wrong with me, so they would run away. I never made it easy for anyone to break through those walls.

I know, it makes me look like a very bitter person, and a very mean girl. I can't smile a lot, much to the fact that I barely know what happiness is anymore. Even when I do smile, I fake a lot, because I'm still sane enough to know that people like someone cheerful around. No one likes to be around bitter person, right?

And every time I had to fake myself, the walls just keep getting taller and thicker.

Even though sometimes, I do manage to be "friendly" with people.

(especially if I'm being drugged with these delicious fattening Bucksy)

But is it really ME?

Then you came. In a very unexpected situation, you managed to see the real me. How? I don't know, even until today, I can be real, if it's for you. I can feel truly happy, if i am with you. In a very sick and inappropriate way, I do need you.

And that's another reason of why I do love you. And only you. 

I did say some "I love you" to some exes before you. And you made me realize, the "I love you" that I said to you, were the only ones that are genuine. 

How can I know?

Because I don't hate you. Although you've hurt me so.

I should hate you.

But I can't. 

Yeah, maybe it won't matter much now. I can't expect you to feel the same way.

I'm just trying to be honest with myself, for this once.

Because I don't know how long I can keep "the stupid bie" alive.

I'm just not sure anyone can ever love, the real me.

I used to believe you can, but... even though you don't, the stupid bie will still love you anyway.

bie~