self-injury or self-harm

Self-injury or self-harm is deliberate injury inflicted by a person upon their own body without suicidal intent. These acts may be aimed at relieving otherwise unbearable emotions, sensations of unreality and numbness. The illness is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(DSM-IV-TR) as a symptom of borderline personality disorder and depressive disorders. It is sometimes associated with mental illness, a history of trauma and abuse including emotional abuse, sexual abuse, eating disorders, or mental traits such as low self-esteem or perfectionism, but a statistical analysis is difficult, as many self-injurers conceal their injuries. Self harmers are often mistaken as suicidal, but in the majority of cases this is inaccurate.

A common belief regarding self-injury is that it is an attention-seeking behaviour; however, in most cases, this is inaccurate. Many self-injurers are very self-conscious of their wounds and scars and feel guilty about their behaviour leading them to go to great lengths to conceal their behaviour from others.

Self-injury in such individuals is not associated with suicidal or para-suicidal behaviour. The person who self-injures is not usually seeking to end his or her own life; it has been suggested instead that he or she is using self-injury as a coping mechanism to relieve emotional pain or discomfort.

---- Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-injury)

What is self-harming?

Self-harming is when people cause themselves physical pain that alters their mood state (how they feel inside). Some people harm themselves because they feel disconnected and isolated from everybody, and hurting themselves is the only way they feel real or connected.

Self-harming behaviours can include:

• cutting their skin with knives or any sharp object
• burning their skin
• hitting their body with an object or fists (like punching the wall)
• deliberately falling when doing something like extreme sports
• picking at their skin
• swallowing pills or sharp objects
• pulling at their hair (hair pulling can also be a habit).

Why do people start harming themselves?

Self-harming can be a way that people deal with feelings of:

• helplessness, despair and low self-esteem
• anger, loneliness, shame and guilt
• not having control over their life
• being 'out of it' – so the only way to feel 'real' is to cause physical pain to themselves.

Some self-harm is related to severe emotional pain. When people have experienced abuse or violence, it often re-appears as emotional pain in later life. Some people have said that:

• When they hurt themselves physically, it helps take away the emotional pain.
• Self-harm makes internal pain visible on the surface. It is showing that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
• Self-harm is a way that people punish themselves for something.

People who harm themselves...

• may have difficulty expressing their feelings verbally
• may dislike themselves and their bodies
• may do it because of difficulties with relationships
• may do it because of mental health issues such as depression, anxiety or stress.

---- http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=243&np=293&id=2464

the dysfunctional relationship

I don't know where to begin. Let's see ...
I am a very compromising person, I can cope up with many things. But with Charles, unbelievable, I can't even believe it, it's so hard.
We were like, totally different. And I mean it 180 degrees.
We like different things. We have different point of views.

This relationship's not going smoothly.
We had fight a lot.
Dia mau aku selalu nurut sama dia. Selalu ikutin apa yang dia omong, meskipun terkadang apa yang dia mau bertentangan dengan yang aku pikir.
Yah, my mistake too, most of the time aku memang nurut. Sudah jadi sifat. Tapi to go out with him, extra patience is needed.

I admit, I'm weak. I am a giver in most of my relationship.
And he knows exactly how to use it.

He's controlling. Kalau ada sedikit kesalahan saja, dia gampang banget marah. Dan kalau sudah marah, semua perkataan buruk bisa keluar.
Tapi apa yang aku lakukan buat dia, gak berarti apa-apa buat dia. Kalau aku omong tentang ini, pasti dia bilang aku perhitungan.
Dan memang dia pernah bilang, aku ga bisa berharap untuk dapat sama seperti yang aku kasih.
Iya sih aku tahu memang, kita gak bisa expect orang untuk berubah, atau sayang balik ke kita, etc.

Yah gak setiap hari berantem sih. Terkadang dia baik juga sama aku. Tapi kalau dia sudah marah, he becomes the rudest man I've ever known.

I remember every words he ever said.
Dulu pernah dia bilang dia suka lihat cewe-cewe lain, dan tetep cari cewe lain. Karena dia ingin cobain banyak cewe.
Tapi dia juga ga mau aku pergi, karena dia butuh aku.
Dia juga pernah bilang ga pernah rasain cinta, can you believe that? Isn't it just a bullshit?

Pernah dia bilang suatu malam, dia kira ga ada masa depan buat aku sama dia.
Karena aku gak penuhin "syarat" calon istri dia. Dia bilang mau dapat istri yang 8 tahun lebih muda dari dia, and virgin.
Pernah dia bilang, kalau virginity is important. Dan temannya juga bilang begitu sih, Andy pernah bilang ke aku kalau Charles punya banyak mantan.
Dan yang dia memang suka dan sayangin, ya cuma sedikit. They're virgins.
Kalau aku tanya kenapa dia begitu, dia bilang dia baik-baik dan gombalin supaya dapat virginnya, bukan karena serius pacaran.
Dia bahkan pernah omong dan minta aku untuk bantuin dia dapetin virginnya temen-temenku.
Katanya kalau aku bisa bantu, aku bisa lebih berarti buat dia, karena bantuin dia dapet apa yang dia mau. Tapi gimana coba aku bisa bantuin begitu?
Jadi akhirnya dia bilang, yah bantuin aja dengan gimana caranya supaya bisa deketin cewe, karena aku cewe, tahu apa yang cewe mau.
Atau dia akan usaha sendiri, dan aku gak boleh ganggu.

Bahkan sewaktu tahu Mellissa sudah jadian sama Aris, dia salahin aku.
Why? Karena katanya aku ada bilang ke Mellissa kalau aku jadian sama dia.
Which is wrong for him, dia gak suka dan ga mau admit kita ini pacaran ke orang lain.
Coba saja tanya ke dia, dia punya cewe atau gak, atau tanya apa aku ini pacarnya. Dia akan jawab gak, dan aku adalah temen.
Pernah aku tanya soal ini, dan dia jawab ga perlu omong-omong ke orang lain.
Yah dia ada juga sih beberapa orang yang dia akuin aku sebagai cewenya, tapi ya ke orang-orang yang jarang ketemu sama dia.

Aku gak boleh banyak tanya ke dia. Katanya pertanyaan-pertanyaanku itu mengganggu.
Dia ada bilang jangan expect dia untuk cinta sama aku. Dia ga akan nikahin aku.

One day, aku pergi ke Fitness First untuk cancel membership. Aku berangkat sudah agak telat, buru-buru takut missed appointment dengan staff FFnya.
Karena aku jalan buru-buru, aku jalan duluan di depan. Then he lost me, dia belok naek eskalator. Aku omong dari bawah eskalator kalau aku naek dulu ya di elevator.
Tapi ternyata dia gak dengar, dan sudah mulai emosi.
Di FF mulai dia bicara kasar, kata-katain aku. Gimana aku jelek, muka kaya tai, trus usir aku, katanya gadis idaman dia sudah balik dari liburan.
Yah dia memang sering keluarin kata usir aku kalau marah-marah.

Suatu hari, kita berantem gede banget, aku beneran keluar dari rumah dia, dan balik ke apartmentku.
Tapi malamnya dia jadi baek lagi dan memang dia akuin dia butuh aku.

Mungkin memang itu kali yah dia tetep sama aku. Karena memang dia butuh aku, aku bisa kasih temenin dia, urus dia, bersih-bersih apartment, cuci baju, masak, belanja.
Pembantu yah? Haha..

Pernah juga dia kata-katain aku, hatiku busuk, licik, cuma bikin dia susah dan stres saja. Aku ga berharga, mending kalau aku cantik, tapi aku sudah jelek, muka kaya tai atau cibai, masih banyak tingkah,
badan kaya babi, lambat, malas, ga bisa bangun pagi, ga virgin, udah pernah aborsi juga, gak bakal ada yang mau sama aku, karena pelacur saja lebih baik dari aku.


Terkadang dia pukul aku, atau tendang aku. Gak sampai sakit banget dan memar-memar begitu sih, but still ...

Dia memang bilang gak masalah juga kalau aku pergi. Kalau ada aku, dia bahagia kok. Karena katanya dia memang suka aku.
Tapi kalau aku pergi, ga papa juga. It makes me feel I'm nothing. I feel unwanted, dan kesannya seakan-akan aku yang maksa dia untuk tetep sama aku. I have to stop this.

Aku harus jadi cewe baik-baik saja ke dia. Nurut, dan gak banyak menuntut. Gak minta dan berharap macem-macem.


Dan masih banyak lagi sih sikap keras dan kasarnya ke aku.

I know, dan pasti kalian sudah capek bilangin aku harus lepasin dia.
Hmm.. the truth is, the reason I'm still staying, is because I'm scared.
Yes, can. You're right.
I'm scared.
I've been alone for a while, and I'm telling you, it's not nice to be lonely.
Eventhough it hurts me, it still feels nice to have somebody.
Ya ya, this is a wrong reason to stay, and I'm trying hard now to get out from this situation.

Akhir-akhir ini dia pergi. Dia pergi jalan-jalan ke Hk dan Canada mengunjungi keluarga jauhnya.
Sekarang sih dia ada di Jakarta. Aku masih di tempat dia, karena aku gantiin rent kamar dia. Sampai dia balik kesini.
Lately I've been thinking, memang aku harus cari apartment baru dan pindah dari sini.
Hmm.. Entah mengapa, aku merasa dia memang cuma cari aku pas ada butuh aja. I confronted him about this finally few days ago.
Lebih sering aku yang cari dia. Sewaktu dia di HK atau di Canada, aku masih bisa maklum kalau dia memang sibuk jalan-jalan.
Tapi dia sekarang di Jakarta, dan alasan dia kenapa dia gak sering sms, karena dia nyetir.
Katanya aku sms dia pas dia nyetir. Kalau dibales, aku banyak tanya. Gak makes sense kan? Apa salah kalau kita mau tahu orang yang kita sayangin sedang apa? Toh aku gak cari dia tiap jam begitu.

Aku bilang apa dia nyetir 24 jam, gak mungkin kan. Ga ada 5 menit gitu untuk cari aku.
Entahlah. It blew up into a huge fight again.

And I've finally said my goodbye.
Sudah 2 hari ini aku berusaha nahan diri gak cari dia. It's hard, but I know I have to.