the confession

I don't know exactly the appropriate way to write this confession.
The stuffs I'm about to confess here happened in the past few months.
I tried many times to write them at the time, but apparently just today is the time I'm finally ready.
Even right now I'm staring at my screen for a while, it's not easy to find the right words to describe them. *sigh*


I guess I have to begin from when I was still in Melbourne. About my education.
There's a situation with my university, I've failed enough subjects last year for my department to consider excluding me from my major.
Eventhough I finally did well in the next semester, apparently they have reached a decision that it may not be enough, seeing as I also had failing history in the previous year.
I understand that I did mistakes, not everyone can comprehend my condition, maybe it seems stupid for some people of course, to be weaken and distracted by depression.
Help did come from student representatives, there were letters, an appeal, investigations, rejected appeal, some claims, more investigations, all things made me couldn't sit exams in last year's semester.
I was already sentenced as discontinued from my major.
The process went long, it took months.
Charles did order me to apply for another university, to prevent my visa to be canceled. I admit I did not take it seriously.
In the end, the appeal process didn't come through, I couldn't continue to study in the same major in my uni, I would have to re-apply for another similar major with different major code.
Or another university.
At that time, it was all already too late, the new semester's already begun, so eventually I had to decide to go back home.
I feared that my visa's been canceled. He went back home too.

About our relationship, as I mentioned in previous post, we're over. Kinda.
I know I finally decided to ask to break up, such a long process. The post I wrote before was actually about this.
It includes the lie he told me about that other girl, that he no longer had anything with her, that they broke up, and no longer communicated regularly, although sometimes I did find out he called her. I was sad to know that,
but I know I shouldn't ask much, I wanted to see whether he can realized what he did to us. He told me she and his friend became a couple. It was a lie, that at that time I chose not to look through.
The end of 2008, he decided to travel overseas again.
One day she actually called his mobile that he gave me while he was away,
looking for him, saying that they never broke up. I asked what she was doing calling him again, believing that they were really separated, she of course said it wasn't true. She even said that I was the one who should realize that she was better than me, saying something such as she had something that I didn't, that made him go out with her.
I was furious of course, I asked them directly, I called his number in overseas, he still said that nothing she said was true, and I said I had enough. I couldn't stand feeling I was accused as the third person, when it was supposed to be her.
I kinda always know that he would cheat. He said it many many many times. I was devastated of course, but I let it go. I realized I am no special for him, so I am prepared. I told him many times, when finally he got another girl, I just want to know the truth. Don't lie.
It's not about the cheating, that made me furious.
So when I heard from her again, it was over. But I was still in contact with him, seeing as he's overseas and I was already taking care of his stuffs while he's away, I couldn't just leave them. He acted as if nothing happened.
January 2009, one day she messaged me again, asking about me and him, whether we're still together or not, I told her to ask him directly, a bait that I actually set up, since he constantly told me that he didn't see her again.
But apparently it's obviously another lie, he did see her again when he's in Jakarta. She asked me whether I ever being asked to marry him, apparently he asked her. He told me later that it was just bullshit, and he was just playing with her.
But like before, it's not about the cheating, it's his lying. He was playing with both of us. He told her that he's not serious with me, and viceversa.
Ah well, in short, we did break up. 1st of February.
Apparently that girl broke up with him too, knowing I was still with him.
But I'm not gonna lie, I still loved him. I know it's stupid, no need to remind me, but I can't lie. When he came back to Melbourne, 2nd of March, I still spent my days with him.

So the story went to how he decided to go back home, at that time he was dealing with some business plan, and apparently I did too, as at that time it was too late for me to enroll to a new semester. My education's ended.
29th of March, we went home to Indonesia. Jakarta via Denpasar. I wanted to go home straight to Solo afterward, but because we had overweight baggage and we shared our stuffs in our bags, I couldn't just leave as there were my stuffs in his bag and his stuffs in mine,
and there was no way to open them in the airport because his family already at the front gate picking him up,
so eventually I had to come with him to his house. And also my cargo was sent under his name too, so I needed to make sure first they got there.
Me and him actually were not in good term at that time, we fought the day before so we were bitter to each other.
But well, as usual, it's as if nothing happened the next day.
I stayed in Jakarta, with his family, for about a week. Even though I'm not really sure I was being welcomed or not, they didn't ask me anything.
He took care of his business plan, that later was canceled.
To make it short, I just went home to Solo a week later, and he also came with me. Yes he did come and stay in my place, he did mention want to do sightseeing, so I offered him.
When he stayed in my place, officially we didn't have a relationship status.
I still care for him, and slowly I began to let him go.

When I came home, I still have some hope. Hoping that one day I can continue my education, browsing through alternative schools, picturing some stuffs I'd like to do such as looking for business plan, or taking some time break to learn new things.
But I didn't realize I did big mistakes at that time. Bringing him to my place turned out to be nightmare.
It is very well-known that I don't get along with my mom well. Apparently he talked to my mom about me. I can't precisely blame him. I know I did make mistake not telling my mom that I'm failing. Apparently he wants me to go all out.
Even until now, I'm still wondering, whether it was a good intention or not.
Oh I need to mention that there's money involved. I saved some money from my allowances before, that I could save some money my mom sent me the last 3 months, because I got enough money from my summer job.
AU$5000.
Before we went home, he asked me to use that money for "us" to do business, I find it's not appropriate as we're no longer a couple,
and he has his own money, double as much as mine, he just doesn't want to spend it. He wants to do business, I know that, but with my capital. I understand actually I can do it, we talked about my rights, and eventually it would become my business, not his,
with all assets under my name, but I was still doubtful because it felt weird to make any deal with him again, we had nothing more, right?
Because I didn't want to be used up again, I said I couldn't give that money to him, and I said I need to give it back to my mom.
When I reached home, and feeling that my relationship with my mom was indeed so bad, it's hard to fix, I didn't mention anything about that money. I felt I couldn't stay like that, and was thinking to go back to school. He didn't agree.
Apparently he felt I lied to him, and he told my mom. 'Bout everything. My school, my habit, my attitude, our relationship, how he felt about me, my money...
Nothing was good. My mom of course wanted an explanation for why I failed, and the cause of my depression, and as I wasn't ready to tell her, he threatened me to give the money back or he'd tell my mom about the cause of my depression.
So I lost the money.
It's funny as eventually my mom did find out from another source, so if I was brave enough to confess at that time, maybe I still have that money, hahaha..
It was some time later after that. He stayed for almost a week, and after that I was kinda lost.
I only had few money, not really talking with my mom, because it really hurts me to discuss anything with her, and the strain in my family was getting bigger and bigger.
At that time I was still hanging out with my 2nd brother, my sister in law, and my baby nephew. But it was usual for me for not talking with my mom.
Later, there was news from my 1st bro that he wanted to come home. And was asking for ticket money from my mom.
He said the usual BS about how he'd changed, blablablabla.. and as usual, my mom has soft spot for him, no matter how bad he was, we all know that eventually my mom would give everything he asked for.
It's hard for me to discuss about this, there was actually an obvious dysfunctional relationships in my family.

I never trusted my 1st bro. Witnessing all of his actions, it's hard for me to believe that he'd actually changed.
He also lied to my mom big time. Many times too.

The secret is actually he was already married, underhanded, with native poor widow with one child, and they had another daughter. My mom knew about it and didn't accept it of course, feeling that that woman's not suitable, bad woman.
Eventually my bro told her, that he left his family, and my mom sent him to US to keep them away.
He always told her that he didn't send any money to that woman again.
But we're the siblings know, that it's a big lie.
Sometimes he even asked me or my 2nd brother to give some money to his family, when he couldn't get enough money.
We didn't mind actually. We know that it really was his responsibility to takecareof his daughter, which is also our niece.

But in return?
When he asked to come back few months ago, he denied everything.
Even accusing me and my 2nd bro for being guilty to send money to his wife. Saying that it's his wife that asked for it, he knows nothing about it.
And he denied the fact that he was too sometimes asking for money from us.

Since that day, I don't see him as my brother anymore.
I'm really sorry for the fallout, but I can't help it. Because he's not only lying again to my mom, he's turning the blame to us, his siblings who have been helping him.
And, the final straw for me was when he single-handedly told my mom about my first abortion. He sold me out.
I don't care to see whether he's now really changed or not. I've had enough.

And my mom didn't help. Knowing that there was falling out between his first son and the rest of her kids, she chose to stick with her first son.
I was clearly showing that I don't care about him, and don't want to talk to him. My 2nd bro's not that extreme. He still sees my 1st bro as brother, and don't mind hanging out together, but only feel awkward if they meet as they
don't have anything in common and to talk about.
As I recall, my mom said that if we didn't talk to her first son, then she wouldn't talk to us either.

So it was nearly end of April, that I reached my boiling point. I was thinking to leave home.
I couldn't stand the condition in my home, with me not going along with my mom, her dislike over me, adding my dislike of 1st bro, I decided it was time to leave.
I contacted some of my friend.
And the story goes this way...
I was still in contact with him. I never hold grudge on anyone, eventhough it's obvious I should stay away from him, at that time he's responded to my plea first.
He said yes,he would help.
I was desperately looking for someone to help me to find a place and a job out of here.
I didn't care to live at his hometown, planning that after I got settled, obviously I couldn't really got involved with him anymore.
He warned me that it'd be a difficult life, for I was never in a difficult situation, money-wise, but I already thought about it. I was really preparing to leave all my comforts in my home,
all I thought about was I had to get out of here. So I started my plan. He started asking for rented room, and jobs from his friend. I observed the activities in my home, thinking the best time to leave.
It's not sudden, it took about 2 weeks from initial talking 'til the actual action. I needed to think all of it through first, from how I'd get out, how I'd buy tickets, how much money left, etc.
Eventually I managed to purchase an airline ticket to Jakarta, with help of my other friend.
He prepared my ticket to his hometown with his travel agent, apparently it was cheaper if I buy it in Jakarta, than in Solo. Weird.. Same flight, same date, same time. But different price.

I was really looking forward to go, even though it was heartbreaking to leave too, 'cause I love my 2nd brother, my sister in law, and I really love my baby nephew.
And so the day was approaching, I prepared everything I could think of. Selecting my wardrobe collection was not an easy job.


Anyway...... everything seems to be in order. I was planned to leave Solo on 7th of May to Jakarta, and then the next day to Tarakan. Tickets are bought and booked. Baggage was ready.
But somehow I got a hunch. Somehow I got to think that if I want to do it, I would have to be really sure there's nothing flawed in my plan.
And I don't know how it happened, somehow I got an urge to take some tests.




Out of nowhere, 2 days before my departure, I asked my friend to get me self-pregnancy test.......

closure

“You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.”


- Curious Case of Benjamin Button



I know life is not a fairytale.

For the past weeks, I've been hurt, I've been lied to, betrayed. Again.
One situation that really made me furious.

I yelled. I cursed. I cried.
Even though I knew it wouldn't change anything.
Like the quote said, eventually I have to let it go.

I realized I am an idiot. I still feel sad for missing something that's been hurting me badly.

Now I can only hope, in the future, we're all gonna be okay.
And looking back at this time with smile, knowing we've learned something out of it.

the dysfunctional relationship

I don't know where to begin. Let's see ...
I am a very compromising person, I can cope up with many things. But with Charles, unbelievable, I can't even believe it, it's so hard.
We were like, totally different. And I mean it 180 degrees.
We like different things. We have different point of views.

This relationship's not going smoothly.
We had fight a lot.
Dia mau aku selalu nurut sama dia. Selalu ikutin apa yang dia omong, meskipun terkadang apa yang dia mau bertentangan dengan yang aku pikir.
Yah, my mistake too, most of the time aku memang nurut. Sudah jadi sifat. Tapi to go out with him, extra patience is needed.

I admit, I'm weak. I am a giver in most of my relationship.
And he knows exactly how to use it.

He's controlling. Kalau ada sedikit kesalahan saja, dia gampang banget marah. Dan kalau sudah marah, semua perkataan buruk bisa keluar.
Tapi apa yang aku lakukan buat dia, gak berarti apa-apa buat dia. Kalau aku omong tentang ini, pasti dia bilang aku perhitungan.
Dan memang dia pernah bilang, aku ga bisa berharap untuk dapat sama seperti yang aku kasih.
Iya sih aku tahu memang, kita gak bisa expect orang untuk berubah, atau sayang balik ke kita, etc.

Yah gak setiap hari berantem sih. Terkadang dia baik juga sama aku. Tapi kalau dia sudah marah, he becomes the rudest man I've ever known.

I remember every words he ever said.
Dulu pernah dia bilang dia suka lihat cewe-cewe lain, dan tetep cari cewe lain. Karena dia ingin cobain banyak cewe.
Tapi dia juga ga mau aku pergi, karena dia butuh aku.
Dia juga pernah bilang ga pernah rasain cinta, can you believe that? Isn't it just a bullshit?

Pernah dia bilang suatu malam, dia kira ga ada masa depan buat aku sama dia.
Karena aku gak penuhin "syarat" calon istri dia. Dia bilang mau dapat istri yang 8 tahun lebih muda dari dia, and virgin.
Pernah dia bilang, kalau virginity is important. Dan temannya juga bilang begitu sih, Andy pernah bilang ke aku kalau Charles punya banyak mantan.
Dan yang dia memang suka dan sayangin, ya cuma sedikit. They're virgins.
Kalau aku tanya kenapa dia begitu, dia bilang dia baik-baik dan gombalin supaya dapat virginnya, bukan karena serius pacaran.
Dia bahkan pernah omong dan minta aku untuk bantuin dia dapetin virginnya temen-temenku.
Katanya kalau aku bisa bantu, aku bisa lebih berarti buat dia, karena bantuin dia dapet apa yang dia mau. Tapi gimana coba aku bisa bantuin begitu?
Jadi akhirnya dia bilang, yah bantuin aja dengan gimana caranya supaya bisa deketin cewe, karena aku cewe, tahu apa yang cewe mau.
Atau dia akan usaha sendiri, dan aku gak boleh ganggu.

Bahkan sewaktu tahu Mellissa sudah jadian sama Aris, dia salahin aku.
Why? Karena katanya aku ada bilang ke Mellissa kalau aku jadian sama dia.
Which is wrong for him, dia gak suka dan ga mau admit kita ini pacaran ke orang lain.
Coba saja tanya ke dia, dia punya cewe atau gak, atau tanya apa aku ini pacarnya. Dia akan jawab gak, dan aku adalah temen.
Pernah aku tanya soal ini, dan dia jawab ga perlu omong-omong ke orang lain.
Yah dia ada juga sih beberapa orang yang dia akuin aku sebagai cewenya, tapi ya ke orang-orang yang jarang ketemu sama dia.

Aku gak boleh banyak tanya ke dia. Katanya pertanyaan-pertanyaanku itu mengganggu.
Dia ada bilang jangan expect dia untuk cinta sama aku. Dia ga akan nikahin aku.

One day, aku pergi ke Fitness First untuk cancel membership. Aku berangkat sudah agak telat, buru-buru takut missed appointment dengan staff FFnya.
Karena aku jalan buru-buru, aku jalan duluan di depan. Then he lost me, dia belok naek eskalator. Aku omong dari bawah eskalator kalau aku naek dulu ya di elevator.
Tapi ternyata dia gak dengar, dan sudah mulai emosi.
Di FF mulai dia bicara kasar, kata-katain aku. Gimana aku jelek, muka kaya tai, trus usir aku, katanya gadis idaman dia sudah balik dari liburan.
Yah dia memang sering keluarin kata usir aku kalau marah-marah.

Suatu hari, kita berantem gede banget, aku beneran keluar dari rumah dia, dan balik ke apartmentku.
Tapi malamnya dia jadi baek lagi dan memang dia akuin dia butuh aku.

Mungkin memang itu kali yah dia tetep sama aku. Karena memang dia butuh aku, aku bisa kasih temenin dia, urus dia, bersih-bersih apartment, cuci baju, masak, belanja.
Pembantu yah? Haha..

Pernah juga dia kata-katain aku, hatiku busuk, licik, cuma bikin dia susah dan stres saja. Aku ga berharga, mending kalau aku cantik, tapi aku sudah jelek, muka kaya tai atau cibai, masih banyak tingkah,
badan kaya babi, lambat, malas, ga bisa bangun pagi, ga virgin, udah pernah aborsi juga, gak bakal ada yang mau sama aku, karena pelacur saja lebih baik dari aku.


Terkadang dia pukul aku, atau tendang aku. Gak sampai sakit banget dan memar-memar begitu sih, but still ...

Dia memang bilang gak masalah juga kalau aku pergi. Kalau ada aku, dia bahagia kok. Karena katanya dia memang suka aku.
Tapi kalau aku pergi, ga papa juga. It makes me feel I'm nothing. I feel unwanted, dan kesannya seakan-akan aku yang maksa dia untuk tetep sama aku. I have to stop this.

Aku harus jadi cewe baik-baik saja ke dia. Nurut, dan gak banyak menuntut. Gak minta dan berharap macem-macem.


Dan masih banyak lagi sih sikap keras dan kasarnya ke aku.

I know, dan pasti kalian sudah capek bilangin aku harus lepasin dia.
Hmm.. the truth is, the reason I'm still staying, is because I'm scared.
Yes, can. You're right.
I'm scared.
I've been alone for a while, and I'm telling you, it's not nice to be lonely.
Eventhough it hurts me, it still feels nice to have somebody.
Ya ya, this is a wrong reason to stay, and I'm trying hard now to get out from this situation.

Akhir-akhir ini dia pergi. Dia pergi jalan-jalan ke Hk dan Canada mengunjungi keluarga jauhnya.
Sekarang sih dia ada di Jakarta. Aku masih di tempat dia, karena aku gantiin rent kamar dia. Sampai dia balik kesini.
Lately I've been thinking, memang aku harus cari apartment baru dan pindah dari sini.
Hmm.. Entah mengapa, aku merasa dia memang cuma cari aku pas ada butuh aja. I confronted him about this finally few days ago.
Lebih sering aku yang cari dia. Sewaktu dia di HK atau di Canada, aku masih bisa maklum kalau dia memang sibuk jalan-jalan.
Tapi dia sekarang di Jakarta, dan alasan dia kenapa dia gak sering sms, karena dia nyetir.
Katanya aku sms dia pas dia nyetir. Kalau dibales, aku banyak tanya. Gak makes sense kan? Apa salah kalau kita mau tahu orang yang kita sayangin sedang apa? Toh aku gak cari dia tiap jam begitu.

Aku bilang apa dia nyetir 24 jam, gak mungkin kan. Ga ada 5 menit gitu untuk cari aku.
Entahlah. It blew up into a huge fight again.

And I've finally said my goodbye.
Sudah 2 hari ini aku berusaha nahan diri gak cari dia. It's hard, but I know I have to.

and the attraction begins

Okay, before i begin, i just want to say that what i am about to write here, might seem bizarre to some of you, and probably you'd see me in negative way after. But i'm sorry i don't need your judgement..

+++++++

It happened so fast. I don't know when it started exactly, but straightaway I felt I'd like to be around him. He seemed so sincere, likes to help people, and maybe the one thing that made me attracted to him was, he knows what he wants, dalam arti tegas dan gak plin-plan, gak suka menunda pekerjaan.

The next day, 29th Dec, he was helping out another friends, who were moving out because their contract ended on the end of the year. I had nothing to do, so I was also helping out a bit.

I didn't know whether he's attracted to me or not, and my feeling wasn't really strong either, so I didn't do anything. But at night, when he came to Andy's apartment, I was watching TV with Candy, he began asking me about private things, like my ex boyfriends, how they were, what happened,etc. And at one point, he asked me, he wanted to kiss me. I said, why?
I forgot how the conversation went after that, all I remember is moments later, he kissed me.

So we were making out. We almost had sex, but I didn't want to because he didn't have any condom with him.

I realized it was really fast, it was too soon, and really seemed so easy. And things that come so easy must not be good.
So the next day, when we were at it again, i told him i really didn't want to do it, because he wasn't my boyfriend. Eventually he said ya kita pacaran loh. But i knew it was wrong, and i begged him to stop. He got mad, because he thought i was misleading. The day before I wanted to do it, but just because he didn't have any condom, and now I said different excuse.
I tried to explain to him that it was really hard being misjudged by others and i didn't want to do things that can make people think of me in a bad way again. I cried.
And he eventually left.

The next day, new year's eve, i felt terrible for what happened the night before. I don't know, maybe I was lost, I couldn't think straight, because of my family problems, and I had to lose Candy, everything made me couldn't think properly. New year's eve night, I spent with him, Andy, and Andy's friend (Awi), in Yarra Bridge, waiting for fireworks. I took Candy along, and she was afraid of the fireworks. It was cute but kinda annoying too, 'cause she kept trying to run away, she's so afraid of the fireworks sound, that me and Andy had to hold her tight and close her ears in turn.

When we got home, apparently there are some of Andy's friends coming and brought some drinks, and they were drinking until late. When everybody went home, Charles left too. I thought he's not coming back and still mad at me, but apparently he left his mobile phone so I knew that he'd come back.

We did have sex on that night. All I could think was, this guy has helped me so much, maybe this is the way of me paying him back, as I couldn't offer anything else. I know, it's wrong. But well, i wasn't in a good condition at that time. At some point he did mention that we're in a relationship, but i know i can't hope too much from the relationship that begins purely by physical attractions.

I knew i shouldn't be so naive, to actually hope that he'd love me. He's attracted to me, physically. He probably only wants to sleep with me. And my mistake is, I lost control. I've let myself caring for him more and more. I did many mistakes, some of them are huge, just because I don't want to lose him. I thought by doing them, I can still be with him. Little did I know that they don't guarantee he'd be around forever.

I can't tell exactly what I had done in these past months for him, as they were too private.

But maybe i can tell about him and how i felt lately ...

+ to be continued +

what happened back then ..

I know I've been abandoning this blog for a while, my apology..
So many things happened, and i didn't have any chance to write them here..

So what happened back then were..

* i didn't have a happy and peaceful holiday back in my home country.. berantem ama nyokap terus, sampai at some point we didn't talk to each other..
Aku sebenernya tahu sih aku salah. Semua berawal dari Candy. Mama ga suka aku pelihara Candy, apalagi Candy ada kotorin karpet. Dan yah because the fact that aku gak lulus2 juga. Mungkin dia kira aku banyak main-main dan gak serius. She didn't know the reality that I've been dealing with depression and it really affected me in a bad way. And if I didn't have Candy, I might die since long time ago.
Yah lalu she refused to pay my apartment rent fee. Ditunda-tunda mulu, setelah ini lah, setelah itu lah, lalu sampai setelah ko yuki married lah, sampai pada akhirnya aku capek juga ngomong. Percuma juga omong karena at that time, nothing can be said. She hates my guts, and I hate her too.
I was thinking of giving up, seriously. To have a suicide attempt really became my option.
So we didn't talk to each other until the end, she was planning to take a trip to Taiwan with her sister's family on 26th Dec, she totally forgot that I was supposed to leave the next day to Melbourne.

* So then aku bener-bener pulang ke Melbourne on 27th Dec, without saying goodbye to my mom. My brother and sister-in-law said that they would help me to talk to my mom, but i know it'd be hard. They said if my mom was still stubborn, not wanting to support me again here, they'd leave home to. But they can survive even without my mom, but I can't. So i came back to Melbourne, with nothing prepared. All I can think about at that time was, I wanted to take and see Candy again. My condition at that time, I was really prepared to die. I only had few money left, dan uang rent apartment belom terbayar, so I couldn't stay at my apartment. I only can bring my luggage and Candy. I had nowhere to go. If I didn't get any help, I was planning to give Candy up to shelter, and suicide.

I don't have many friends left, and the ones that are still here couldn't help me. Then, i don't know i can call it miracle or what, something happened.
I prayed to God. tuhan, aku ga ada jalan keluar. aku gak tahu harus ngapain. aku ga ada tempat tujuan, ga ada teman, ga ada harapan lagi. kumohon bantu aku, karena kalau tidak, aku benar-benar ga ada jalan keluar dan satu-satunya yang ada di pikiranku adalah giving up.

Then, he came. Out of nowhere.

Aku nyampe Melbourne pagi hari. Agent apartment datang baru sore hari. Jadi aku masih ada waktu masuk ke apartment, dan nyalain messenger.

Suddenly he IMed me. Setelah sekian lama tidak kontak sama sekali.
His name is Charles Tham. I knew him few years ago, in 2006. At that time, i was moving, to Renata's apartment, so i needed a removalist. He was working as a removalist at that time, and Renata told me about him. So I hired him, but that's it. We didn't talk much, baik in person or in messenger. I was a customer of his mom's catering business, so I saw his mom a lot, but I rarely met him.

So anyway, i was really surprised. He messaged me and helped me to find temporary stay, I thanked God for him.
Maybe this is the reason I'm still sticking with him until now, eventhough all people said i shouldn't be with him. (more in this later...)
Aku berhutang banyak ke dia, kalau dia ga ada waktu itu, mungkin aku sudah ga ada sekarang ini.


Jadi setelah aku dikickout sama agent dari apartment, aku gak tahu mesti kemana. Ga ada tempat tujuan, dan hanya bawa satu koper dan Candy. Dan ga ada yang bisa ditumpangin.
Charles contacted me, he said ada temannya yang bisa ditumpangin. So he picked me up around 10 pm, after he's finished with FA, and after visiting some of his friends, i stayed at his friend's apartment.

Andy Maslan is his name. He's a good guy, he allowed me to stay at his place, eventhough he didn't know me, apparently Andy and Charles were best friends. And he liked Candy, so it was really a relief for me.

So i stayed at his place for sometime. Housemates nya Andy lagi holiday, so it was okay for me to stay there for some days. Masih lom ada kabar bagus dari koko, koko dan ce erni masih berusaha maksa mama untuk come into her senses and ngalah. In the other side, my mom wanted me to give Candy up. And it was really the hardest thing I've ever had to do. After giving my baby up, i kinda see Candy as my baby, i loved her very much.

Anyway, about my mom, yah pokoknya she's willing to support me again, as long as I give Candy up. Hmm.. So Candy's basically with Andy now. Right now it's just impossible for me to take care of her, sadly. It breaks my heart not being able to take care of her, but what can I do?

Okay.. More about Charles.. He keeps me company most of the time, he even stayed over too at Andy's apartment. Mungkin karena di apartment dia ga ada kamar kali ya, his parents came over for his graduation. So I guess kita mulai deket dari situ. But like the old saying, easy comes easy goes... It doesn't really like what I was hoping to be ...

- to be continued -