I don't know exactly the appropriate way to write this confession.
The stuffs I'm about to confess here happened in the past few months.
I tried many times to write them at the time, but apparently just today is the time I'm finally ready.
Even right now I'm staring at my screen for a while, it's not easy to find the right words to describe them. *sigh*
I guess I have to begin from when I was still in Melbourne. About my education.
There's a situation with my university, I've failed enough subjects last year for my department to consider excluding me from my major.
Eventhough I finally did well in the next semester, apparently they have reached a decision that it may not be enough, seeing as I also had failing history in the previous year.
I understand that I did mistakes, not everyone can comprehend my condition, maybe it seems stupid for some people of course, to be weaken and distracted by depression.
Help did come from student representatives, there were letters, an appeal, investigations, rejected appeal, some claims, more investigations, all things made me couldn't sit exams in last year's semester.
I was already sentenced as discontinued from my major.
The process went long, it took months.
Charles did order me to apply for another university, to prevent my visa to be canceled. I admit I did not take it seriously.
In the end, the appeal process didn't come through, I couldn't continue to study in the same major in my uni, I would have to re-apply for another similar major with different major code.
Or another university.
At that time, it was all already too late, the new semester's already begun, so eventually I had to decide to go back home.
I feared that my visa's been canceled. He went back home too.
About our relationship, as I mentioned in previous post, we're over. Kinda.
I know I finally decided to ask to break up, such a long process. The post I wrote before was actually about this.
It includes the lie he told me about that other girl, that he no longer had anything with her, that they broke up, and no longer communicated regularly, although sometimes I did find out he called her. I was sad to know that,
but I know I shouldn't ask much, I wanted to see whether he can realized what he did to us. He told me she and his friend became a couple. It was a lie, that at that time I chose not to look through.
The end of 2008, he decided to travel overseas again.
One day she actually called his mobile that he gave me while he was away,
looking for him, saying that they never broke up. I asked what she was doing calling him again, believing that they were really separated, she of course said it wasn't true. She even said that I was the one who should realize that she was better than me, saying something such as she had something that I didn't, that made him go out with her.
I was furious of course, I asked them directly, I called his number in overseas, he still said that nothing she said was true, and I said I had enough. I couldn't stand feeling I was accused as the third person, when it was supposed to be her.
I kinda always know that he would cheat. He said it many many many times. I was devastated of course, but I let it go. I realized I am no special for him, so I am prepared. I told him many times, when finally he got another girl, I just want to know the truth. Don't lie.
It's not about the cheating, that made me furious.
So when I heard from her again, it was over. But I was still in contact with him, seeing as he's overseas and I was already taking care of his stuffs while he's away, I couldn't just leave them. He acted as if nothing happened.
January 2009, one day she messaged me again, asking about me and him, whether we're still together or not, I told her to ask him directly, a bait that I actually set up, since he constantly told me that he didn't see her again.
But apparently it's obviously another lie, he did see her again when he's in Jakarta. She asked me whether I ever being asked to marry him, apparently he asked her. He told me later that it was just bullshit, and he was just playing with her.
But like before, it's not about the cheating, it's his lying. He was playing with both of us. He told her that he's not serious with me, and viceversa.
Ah well, in short, we did break up. 1st of February.
Apparently that girl broke up with him too, knowing I was still with him.
But I'm not gonna lie, I still loved him. I know it's stupid, no need to remind me, but I can't lie. When he came back to Melbourne, 2nd of March, I still spent my days with him.
So the story went to how he decided to go back home, at that time he was dealing with some business plan, and apparently I did too, as at that time it was too late for me to enroll to a new semester. My education's ended.
29th of March, we went home to Indonesia. Jakarta via Denpasar. I wanted to go home straight to Solo afterward, but because we had overweight baggage and we shared our stuffs in our bags, I couldn't just leave as there were my stuffs in his bag and his stuffs in mine,
and there was no way to open them in the airport because his family already at the front gate picking him up,
so eventually I had to come with him to his house. And also my cargo was sent under his name too, so I needed to make sure first they got there.
Me and him actually were not in good term at that time, we fought the day before so we were bitter to each other.
But well, as usual, it's as if nothing happened the next day.
I stayed in Jakarta, with his family, for about a week. Even though I'm not really sure I was being welcomed or not, they didn't ask me anything.
He took care of his business plan, that later was canceled.
To make it short, I just went home to Solo a week later, and he also came with me. Yes he did come and stay in my place, he did mention want to do sightseeing, so I offered him.
When he stayed in my place, officially we didn't have a relationship status.
I still care for him, and slowly I began to let him go.
When I came home, I still have some hope. Hoping that one day I can continue my education, browsing through alternative schools, picturing some stuffs I'd like to do such as looking for business plan, or taking some time break to learn new things.
But I didn't realize I did big mistakes at that time. Bringing him to my place turned out to be nightmare.
It is very well-known that I don't get along with my mom well. Apparently he talked to my mom about me. I can't precisely blame him. I know I did make mistake not telling my mom that I'm failing. Apparently he wants me to go all out.
Even until now, I'm still wondering, whether it was a good intention or not.
Oh I need to mention that there's money involved. I saved some money from my allowances before, that I could save some money my mom sent me the last 3 months, because I got enough money from my summer job.
AU$5000.
Before we went home, he asked me to use that money for "us" to do business, I find it's not appropriate as we're no longer a couple,
and he has his own money, double as much as mine, he just doesn't want to spend it. He wants to do business, I know that, but with my capital. I understand actually I can do it, we talked about my rights, and eventually it would become my business, not his,
with all assets under my name, but I was still doubtful because it felt weird to make any deal with him again, we had nothing more, right?
Because I didn't want to be used up again, I said I couldn't give that money to him, and I said I need to give it back to my mom.
When I reached home, and feeling that my relationship with my mom was indeed so bad, it's hard to fix, I didn't mention anything about that money. I felt I couldn't stay like that, and was thinking to go back to school. He didn't agree.
Apparently he felt I lied to him, and he told my mom. 'Bout everything. My school, my habit, my attitude, our relationship, how he felt about me, my money...
Nothing was good. My mom of course wanted an explanation for why I failed, and the cause of my depression, and as I wasn't ready to tell her, he threatened me to give the money back or he'd tell my mom about the cause of my depression.
So I lost the money.
It's funny as eventually my mom did find out from another source, so if I was brave enough to confess at that time, maybe I still have that money, hahaha..
It was some time later after that. He stayed for almost a week, and after that I was kinda lost.
I only had few money, not really talking with my mom, because it really hurts me to discuss anything with her, and the strain in my family was getting bigger and bigger.
At that time I was still hanging out with my 2nd brother, my sister in law, and my baby nephew. But it was usual for me for not talking with my mom.
Later, there was news from my 1st bro that he wanted to come home. And was asking for ticket money from my mom.
He said the usual BS about how he'd changed, blablablabla.. and as usual, my mom has soft spot for him, no matter how bad he was, we all know that eventually my mom would give everything he asked for.
It's hard for me to discuss about this, there was actually an obvious dysfunctional relationships in my family.
I never trusted my 1st bro. Witnessing all of his actions, it's hard for me to believe that he'd actually changed.
He also lied to my mom big time. Many times too.
The secret is actually he was already married, underhanded, with native poor widow with one child, and they had another daughter. My mom knew about it and didn't accept it of course, feeling that that woman's not suitable, bad woman.
Eventually my bro told her, that he left his family, and my mom sent him to US to keep them away.
He always told her that he didn't send any money to that woman again.
But we're the siblings know, that it's a big lie.
Sometimes he even asked me or my 2nd brother to give some money to his family, when he couldn't get enough money.
We didn't mind actually. We know that it really was his responsibility to takecareof his daughter, which is also our niece.
But in return?
When he asked to come back few months ago, he denied everything.
Even accusing me and my 2nd bro for being guilty to send money to his wife. Saying that it's his wife that asked for it, he knows nothing about it.
And he denied the fact that he was too sometimes asking for money from us.
Since that day, I don't see him as my brother anymore.
I'm really sorry for the fallout, but I can't help it. Because he's not only lying again to my mom, he's turning the blame to us, his siblings who have been helping him.
And, the final straw for me was when he single-handedly told my mom about my first abortion. He sold me out.
I don't care to see whether he's now really changed or not. I've had enough.
And my mom didn't help. Knowing that there was falling out between his first son and the rest of her kids, she chose to stick with her first son.
I was clearly showing that I don't care about him, and don't want to talk to him. My 2nd bro's not that extreme. He still sees my 1st bro as brother, and don't mind hanging out together, but only feel awkward if they meet as they
don't have anything in common and to talk about.
As I recall, my mom said that if we didn't talk to her first son, then she wouldn't talk to us either.
So it was nearly end of April, that I reached my boiling point. I was thinking to leave home.
I couldn't stand the condition in my home, with me not going along with my mom, her dislike over me, adding my dislike of 1st bro, I decided it was time to leave.
I contacted some of my friend.
And the story goes this way...
I was still in contact with him. I never hold grudge on anyone, eventhough it's obvious I should stay away from him, at that time he's responded to my plea first.
He said yes,he would help.
I was desperately looking for someone to help me to find a place and a job out of here.
I didn't care to live at his hometown, planning that after I got settled, obviously I couldn't really got involved with him anymore.
He warned me that it'd be a difficult life, for I was never in a difficult situation, money-wise, but I already thought about it. I was really preparing to leave all my comforts in my home,
all I thought about was I had to get out of here. So I started my plan. He started asking for rented room, and jobs from his friend. I observed the activities in my home, thinking the best time to leave.
It's not sudden, it took about 2 weeks from initial talking 'til the actual action. I needed to think all of it through first, from how I'd get out, how I'd buy tickets, how much money left, etc.
Eventually I managed to purchase an airline ticket to Jakarta, with help of my other friend.
He prepared my ticket to his hometown with his travel agent, apparently it was cheaper if I buy it in Jakarta, than in Solo. Weird.. Same flight, same date, same time. But different price.
I was really looking forward to go, even though it was heartbreaking to leave too, 'cause I love my 2nd brother, my sister in law, and I really love my baby nephew.
And so the day was approaching, I prepared everything I could think of. Selecting my wardrobe collection was not an easy job.
Anyway...... everything seems to be in order. I was planned to leave Solo on 7th of May to Jakarta, and then the next day to Tarakan. Tickets are bought and booked. Baggage was ready.
But somehow I got a hunch. Somehow I got to think that if I want to do it, I would have to be really sure there's nothing flawed in my plan.
And I don't know how it happened, somehow I got an urge to take some tests.
Out of nowhere, 2 days before my departure, I asked my friend to get me self-pregnancy test.......
The stuffs I'm about to confess here happened in the past few months.
I tried many times to write them at the time, but apparently just today is the time I'm finally ready.
Even right now I'm staring at my screen for a while, it's not easy to find the right words to describe them. *sigh*
I guess I have to begin from when I was still in Melbourne. About my education.
There's a situation with my university, I've failed enough subjects last year for my department to consider excluding me from my major.
Eventhough I finally did well in the next semester, apparently they have reached a decision that it may not be enough, seeing as I also had failing history in the previous year.
I understand that I did mistakes, not everyone can comprehend my condition, maybe it seems stupid for some people of course, to be weaken and distracted by depression.
Help did come from student representatives, there were letters, an appeal, investigations, rejected appeal, some claims, more investigations, all things made me couldn't sit exams in last year's semester.
I was already sentenced as discontinued from my major.
The process went long, it took months.
Charles did order me to apply for another university, to prevent my visa to be canceled. I admit I did not take it seriously.
In the end, the appeal process didn't come through, I couldn't continue to study in the same major in my uni, I would have to re-apply for another similar major with different major code.
Or another university.
At that time, it was all already too late, the new semester's already begun, so eventually I had to decide to go back home.
I feared that my visa's been canceled. He went back home too.
About our relationship, as I mentioned in previous post, we're over. Kinda.
I know I finally decided to ask to break up, such a long process. The post I wrote before was actually about this.
It includes the lie he told me about that other girl, that he no longer had anything with her, that they broke up, and no longer communicated regularly, although sometimes I did find out he called her. I was sad to know that,
but I know I shouldn't ask much, I wanted to see whether he can realized what he did to us. He told me she and his friend became a couple. It was a lie, that at that time I chose not to look through.
The end of 2008, he decided to travel overseas again.
One day she actually called his mobile that he gave me while he was away,
looking for him, saying that they never broke up. I asked what she was doing calling him again, believing that they were really separated, she of course said it wasn't true. She even said that I was the one who should realize that she was better than me, saying something such as she had something that I didn't, that made him go out with her.
I was furious of course, I asked them directly, I called his number in overseas, he still said that nothing she said was true, and I said I had enough. I couldn't stand feeling I was accused as the third person, when it was supposed to be her.
I kinda always know that he would cheat. He said it many many many times. I was devastated of course, but I let it go. I realized I am no special for him, so I am prepared. I told him many times, when finally he got another girl, I just want to know the truth. Don't lie.
It's not about the cheating, that made me furious.
So when I heard from her again, it was over. But I was still in contact with him, seeing as he's overseas and I was already taking care of his stuffs while he's away, I couldn't just leave them. He acted as if nothing happened.
January 2009, one day she messaged me again, asking about me and him, whether we're still together or not, I told her to ask him directly, a bait that I actually set up, since he constantly told me that he didn't see her again.
But apparently it's obviously another lie, he did see her again when he's in Jakarta. She asked me whether I ever being asked to marry him, apparently he asked her. He told me later that it was just bullshit, and he was just playing with her.
But like before, it's not about the cheating, it's his lying. He was playing with both of us. He told her that he's not serious with me, and viceversa.
Ah well, in short, we did break up. 1st of February.
Apparently that girl broke up with him too, knowing I was still with him.
But I'm not gonna lie, I still loved him. I know it's stupid, no need to remind me, but I can't lie. When he came back to Melbourne, 2nd of March, I still spent my days with him.
So the story went to how he decided to go back home, at that time he was dealing with some business plan, and apparently I did too, as at that time it was too late for me to enroll to a new semester. My education's ended.
29th of March, we went home to Indonesia. Jakarta via Denpasar. I wanted to go home straight to Solo afterward, but because we had overweight baggage and we shared our stuffs in our bags, I couldn't just leave as there were my stuffs in his bag and his stuffs in mine,
and there was no way to open them in the airport because his family already at the front gate picking him up,
so eventually I had to come with him to his house. And also my cargo was sent under his name too, so I needed to make sure first they got there.
Me and him actually were not in good term at that time, we fought the day before so we were bitter to each other.
But well, as usual, it's as if nothing happened the next day.
I stayed in Jakarta, with his family, for about a week. Even though I'm not really sure I was being welcomed or not, they didn't ask me anything.
He took care of his business plan, that later was canceled.
To make it short, I just went home to Solo a week later, and he also came with me. Yes he did come and stay in my place, he did mention want to do sightseeing, so I offered him.
When he stayed in my place, officially we didn't have a relationship status.
I still care for him, and slowly I began to let him go.
When I came home, I still have some hope. Hoping that one day I can continue my education, browsing through alternative schools, picturing some stuffs I'd like to do such as looking for business plan, or taking some time break to learn new things.
But I didn't realize I did big mistakes at that time. Bringing him to my place turned out to be nightmare.
It is very well-known that I don't get along with my mom well. Apparently he talked to my mom about me. I can't precisely blame him. I know I did make mistake not telling my mom that I'm failing. Apparently he wants me to go all out.
Even until now, I'm still wondering, whether it was a good intention or not.
Oh I need to mention that there's money involved. I saved some money from my allowances before, that I could save some money my mom sent me the last 3 months, because I got enough money from my summer job.
AU$5000.
Before we went home, he asked me to use that money for "us" to do business, I find it's not appropriate as we're no longer a couple,
and he has his own money, double as much as mine, he just doesn't want to spend it. He wants to do business, I know that, but with my capital. I understand actually I can do it, we talked about my rights, and eventually it would become my business, not his,
with all assets under my name, but I was still doubtful because it felt weird to make any deal with him again, we had nothing more, right?
Because I didn't want to be used up again, I said I couldn't give that money to him, and I said I need to give it back to my mom.
When I reached home, and feeling that my relationship with my mom was indeed so bad, it's hard to fix, I didn't mention anything about that money. I felt I couldn't stay like that, and was thinking to go back to school. He didn't agree.
Apparently he felt I lied to him, and he told my mom. 'Bout everything. My school, my habit, my attitude, our relationship, how he felt about me, my money...
Nothing was good. My mom of course wanted an explanation for why I failed, and the cause of my depression, and as I wasn't ready to tell her, he threatened me to give the money back or he'd tell my mom about the cause of my depression.
So I lost the money.
It's funny as eventually my mom did find out from another source, so if I was brave enough to confess at that time, maybe I still have that money, hahaha..
It was some time later after that. He stayed for almost a week, and after that I was kinda lost.
I only had few money, not really talking with my mom, because it really hurts me to discuss anything with her, and the strain in my family was getting bigger and bigger.
At that time I was still hanging out with my 2nd brother, my sister in law, and my baby nephew. But it was usual for me for not talking with my mom.
Later, there was news from my 1st bro that he wanted to come home. And was asking for ticket money from my mom.
He said the usual BS about how he'd changed, blablablabla.. and as usual, my mom has soft spot for him, no matter how bad he was, we all know that eventually my mom would give everything he asked for.
It's hard for me to discuss about this, there was actually an obvious dysfunctional relationships in my family.
I never trusted my 1st bro. Witnessing all of his actions, it's hard for me to believe that he'd actually changed.
He also lied to my mom big time. Many times too.
The secret is actually he was already married, underhanded, with native poor widow with one child, and they had another daughter. My mom knew about it and didn't accept it of course, feeling that that woman's not suitable, bad woman.
Eventually my bro told her, that he left his family, and my mom sent him to US to keep them away.
He always told her that he didn't send any money to that woman again.
But we're the siblings know, that it's a big lie.
Sometimes he even asked me or my 2nd brother to give some money to his family, when he couldn't get enough money.
We didn't mind actually. We know that it really was his responsibility to takecareof his daughter, which is also our niece.
But in return?
When he asked to come back few months ago, he denied everything.
Even accusing me and my 2nd bro for being guilty to send money to his wife. Saying that it's his wife that asked for it, he knows nothing about it.
And he denied the fact that he was too sometimes asking for money from us.
Since that day, I don't see him as my brother anymore.
I'm really sorry for the fallout, but I can't help it. Because he's not only lying again to my mom, he's turning the blame to us, his siblings who have been helping him.
And, the final straw for me was when he single-handedly told my mom about my first abortion. He sold me out.
I don't care to see whether he's now really changed or not. I've had enough.
And my mom didn't help. Knowing that there was falling out between his first son and the rest of her kids, she chose to stick with her first son.
I was clearly showing that I don't care about him, and don't want to talk to him. My 2nd bro's not that extreme. He still sees my 1st bro as brother, and don't mind hanging out together, but only feel awkward if they meet as they
don't have anything in common and to talk about.
As I recall, my mom said that if we didn't talk to her first son, then she wouldn't talk to us either.
So it was nearly end of April, that I reached my boiling point. I was thinking to leave home.
I couldn't stand the condition in my home, with me not going along with my mom, her dislike over me, adding my dislike of 1st bro, I decided it was time to leave.
I contacted some of my friend.
And the story goes this way...
I was still in contact with him. I never hold grudge on anyone, eventhough it's obvious I should stay away from him, at that time he's responded to my plea first.
He said yes,he would help.
I was desperately looking for someone to help me to find a place and a job out of here.
I didn't care to live at his hometown, planning that after I got settled, obviously I couldn't really got involved with him anymore.
He warned me that it'd be a difficult life, for I was never in a difficult situation, money-wise, but I already thought about it. I was really preparing to leave all my comforts in my home,
all I thought about was I had to get out of here. So I started my plan. He started asking for rented room, and jobs from his friend. I observed the activities in my home, thinking the best time to leave.
It's not sudden, it took about 2 weeks from initial talking 'til the actual action. I needed to think all of it through first, from how I'd get out, how I'd buy tickets, how much money left, etc.
Eventually I managed to purchase an airline ticket to Jakarta, with help of my other friend.
He prepared my ticket to his hometown with his travel agent, apparently it was cheaper if I buy it in Jakarta, than in Solo. Weird.. Same flight, same date, same time. But different price.
I was really looking forward to go, even though it was heartbreaking to leave too, 'cause I love my 2nd brother, my sister in law, and I really love my baby nephew.
And so the day was approaching, I prepared everything I could think of. Selecting my wardrobe collection was not an easy job.
Anyway...... everything seems to be in order. I was planned to leave Solo on 7th of May to Jakarta, and then the next day to Tarakan. Tickets are bought and booked. Baggage was ready.
But somehow I got a hunch. Somehow I got to think that if I want to do it, I would have to be really sure there's nothing flawed in my plan.
And I don't know how it happened, somehow I got an urge to take some tests.
Out of nowhere, 2 days before my departure, I asked my friend to get me self-pregnancy test.......
