on the verge of breaking down - part 02

Hmm.. let's see..
If I don't update this blog for the next 2 weeks or so, consider this post as the last one. Even, consider this post as my will, as probably I'm not gonna be around anymore.
I am not trying to scare anyone, it's just what I thought the best way in my situation.
Don't tell me that I'm not supposed to commit suicide with whatever reasons, because I know about all those reasons. But you don't know me, you don't know how I feel, so please don't lecture me.
Yeah maybe I'm a coward, but I don't know if I can take it anymore. I've lost all my hopes and dreams, and now the last thing that keeps me going will also be taken away from me.

I can't blame anyone, I guess maybe this is how my life goes. This is not how I pictured my life would be. I don't know where it got wrong. I wish I can have Doraemon's time machine or maybe have ability like Hiro Nakamura, I really wish I can turn back time and change everything.

I hate myself for has gotten myself into this situation.
I have nothing else in my life to keep living on for.
I've reached a point where I just wanna die.

I don't give a shit anymore whether I am gonna live, or die, I don't care.
I know I've been keeping it to myself, because I'm ashamed to admit it. I'm ashamed to everyone if I show my weak side. But I can't keep it in any longer.
I've had major depression going on in my life and I'm still dealing with it.
But it just gets worse and worse.

Family ? I don't care about them.
I hate my mother, to be honest. She's driving me crazy. I can't win with her.
I am always gonna be a failure in her eyes. No matter what I do.
I envy all of you, who have such great relationships with your moms. I don't. I hate mine.
She can never understand how I feel. She thinks she's always right. And she doesn't care about my feelings.
She doesn't care I'm crying, because she always thinks she's right.
Maybe she doesn't even care if I die.
Yeah, I'm sure about it. Because I remember her saying that her dream was actually not to get married and working her ass off so that she could travel the world.

For her, I'm always a good-for-nothing kid. Can't do anything, always spending her money.
And I'm tired of trying to proof it's not right, I just can't take it anymore. If she thinks I'm a failure, then let it be. I'll grant her wish. I don't care anymore.

What kind of mom who sees her daughter never smiles, and never asks why, but only assumes that her daughter is an arrogant ? Geez mom, wake up ! I can't smile because of you !
You think everything's alright, huh ? Well guess what, it's not !

I grew up with constant fear of you. Do you think it's healthy ? It's not :)
Is it normal for kids fear of their parents ??
Why do you think your kids don't want to be around you ?
You always assume because we didn't get proper "Chinese" education, and "Indonesian" education didn't teach us about respect to the parents. HAH !
You wanna know the truth ?
Because we're tired of your constant pressure, nagging, criticism, threats, and the way you're thinking that you're always right !
You never even once praised me, all you did are pointing out my flaws.
You said it's being humble ? NOOO.. There's a big difference between "rendah diri" and "menghina".

So yeah.. all of you, be grateful you don't have my mom..

Well I don't have much time anymore, I guess I just want to say thank you to all of you guys, for well at least admitting that you know me and for reading my blogs. I'm sorry I can't give you something good to read.