Saturday, August 09, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
self-injury or self-harm
Self-injury or self-harm is deliberate injury inflicted by a person upon their own body without suicidal intent. These acts may be aimed at relieving otherwise unbearable emotions, sensations of unreality and numbness. The illness is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(DSM-IV-TR) as a symptom of borderline personality disorder and depressive disorders. It is sometimes associated with mental illness, a history of trauma and abuse including emotional abuse, sexual abuse, eating disorders, or mental traits such as low self-esteem or perfectionism, but a statistical analysis is difficult, as many self-injurers conceal their injuries. Self harmers are often mistaken as suicidal, but in the majority of cases this is inaccurate.
A common belief regarding self-injury is that it is an attention-seeking behaviour; however, in most cases, this is inaccurate. Many self-injurers are very self-conscious of their wounds and scars and feel guilty about their behaviour leading them to go to great lengths to conceal their behaviour from others.
Self-injury in such individuals is not associated with suicidal or para-suicidal behaviour. The person who self-injures is not usually seeking to end his or her own life; it has been suggested instead that he or she is using self-injury as a coping mechanism to relieve emotional pain or discomfort.
A common belief regarding self-injury is that it is an attention-seeking behaviour; however, in most cases, this is inaccurate. Many self-injurers are very self-conscious of their wounds and scars and feel guilty about their behaviour leading them to go to great lengths to conceal their behaviour from others.
Self-injury in such individuals is not associated with suicidal or para-suicidal behaviour. The person who self-injures is not usually seeking to end his or her own life; it has been suggested instead that he or she is using self-injury as a coping mechanism to relieve emotional pain or discomfort.
---- Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-injury)
What is self-harming?
Self-harming is when people cause themselves physical pain that alters their mood state (how they feel inside). Some people harm themselves because they feel disconnected and isolated from everybody, and hurting themselves is the only way they feel real or connected.
Self-harming behaviours can include:
- cutting their skin with knives or any sharp object
- burning their skin
- hitting their body with an object or fists (like punching the wall)
- deliberately falling when doing something like extreme sports
- picking at their skin
- swallowing pills or sharp objects
- pulling at their hair (hair pulling can also be a habit).
Why do people start harming themselves?
Self-harming can be a way that people deal with feelings of:
- helplessness, despair and low self-esteem
- anger, loneliness, shame and guilt
- not having control over their life
- being 'out of it' – so the only way to feel 'real' is to cause physical pain to themselves.
Some self-harm is related to severe emotional pain. When people have experienced abuse or violence, it often re-appears as emotional pain in later life. Some people have said that:
- When they hurt themselves physically, it helps take away the emotional pain.
- Self-harm makes internal pain visible on the surface. It is showing that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
- Self-harm is a way that people punish themselves for something.
People who harm themselves...
- may have difficulty expressing their feelings verbally
- may dislike themselves and their bodies
- may do it because of difficulties with relationships
- may do it because of mental health issues such as depression, anxiety or stress.
the dysfunctional relationship
I don't know where to begin. Let's see ...
I am a very compromising person, I can cope up with many things. But with Charles, unbelievable, I can't even believe it, it's so hard.
We were like, totally different. And I mean it 180 degrees.
We like different things. We have different point of views.
This relationship's not going smoothly.
We had fight a lot.
Dia mau aku selalu nurut sama dia. Selalu ikutin apa yang dia omong, meskipun terkadang apa yang dia mau bertentangan dengan yang aku pikir.
Yah, my mistake too, most of the time aku memang nurut. Sudah jadi sifat. Tapi to go out with him, extra patience is needed.
I admit, I'm weak. I am a giver in most of my relationship.
And he knows exactly how to use it.
He's controlling. Kalau ada sedikit kesalahan saja, dia gampang banget marah. Dan kalau sudah marah, semua perkataan buruk bisa keluar.
Tapi apa yang aku lakukan buat dia, gak berarti apa-apa buat dia. Kalau aku omong tentang ini, pasti dia bilang aku perhitungan.
Dan memang dia pernah bilang, aku ga bisa berharap untuk dapat sama seperti yang aku kasih.
Iya sih aku tahu memang, kita gak bisa expect orang untuk berubah, atau sayang balik ke kita, etc.
Yah gak setiap hari berantem sih. Terkadang dia baik juga sama aku. Tapi kalau dia sudah marah, he becomes the rudest man I've ever known.
I remember every words he ever said.
Dulu pernah dia bilang dia suka lihat cewe-cewe lain, dan tetep cari cewe lain. Karena dia ingin cobain banyak cewe.
Tapi dia juga ga mau aku pergi, karena dia butuh aku.
Dia juga pernah bilang ga pernah rasain cinta, can you believe that? Isn't it just a bullshit?
Pernah dia bilang suatu malam, dia kira ga ada masa depan buat aku sama dia.
Karena aku gak penuhin "syarat" calon istri dia. Dia bilang mau dapat istri yang 8 tahun lebih muda dari dia, and virgin.
Pernah dia bilang, kalau virginity is important. Dan temannya juga bilang begitu sih, Andy pernah bilang ke aku kalau Charles punya banyak mantan.
Dan yang dia memang suka dan sayangin, ya cuma sedikit. They're virgins.
Kalau aku tanya kenapa dia begitu, dia bilang dia baik-baik dan gombalin supaya dapat virginnya, bukan karena serius pacaran.
Dia bahkan pernah omong dan minta aku untuk bantuin dia dapetin virginnya temen-temenku.
Katanya kalau aku bisa bantu, aku bisa lebih berarti buat dia, karena bantuin dia dapet apa yang dia mau. Tapi gimana coba aku bisa bantuin begitu?
Jadi akhirnya dia bilang, yah bantuin aja dengan gimana caranya supaya bisa deketin cewe, karena aku cewe, tahu apa yang cewe mau.
Atau dia akan usaha sendiri, dan aku gak boleh ganggu.
Bahkan sewaktu tahu Mellissa sudah jadian sama Aris, dia salahin aku.
Why? Karena katanya aku ada bilang ke Mellissa kalau aku jadian sama dia.
Which is wrong for him, dia gak suka dan ga mau admit kita ini pacaran ke orang lain.
Coba saja tanya ke dia, dia punya cewe atau gak, atau tanya apa aku ini pacarnya. Dia akan jawab gak, dan aku adalah temen.
Pernah aku tanya soal ini, dan dia jawab ga perlu omong-omong ke orang lain.
Yah dia ada juga sih beberapa orang yang dia akuin aku sebagai cewenya, tapi ya ke orang-orang yang jarang ketemu sama dia.
Aku gak boleh banyak tanya ke dia. Katanya pertanyaan-pertanyaanku itu mengganggu.
Dia ada bilang jangan expect dia untuk cinta sama aku. Dia ga akan nikahin aku.
One day, aku pergi ke Fitness First untuk cancel membership. Aku berangkat sudah agak telat, buru-buru takut missed appointment dengan staff FFnya.
Karena aku jalan buru-buru, aku jalan duluan di depan. Then he lost me, dia belok naek eskalator. Aku omong dari bawah eskalator kalau aku naek dulu ya di elevator.
Tapi ternyata dia gak dengar, dan sudah mulai emosi.
Di FF mulai dia bicara kasar, kata-katain aku. Gimana aku jelek, muka kaya tai, trus usir aku, katanya gadis idaman dia sudah balik dari liburan.
Yah dia memang sering keluarin kata usir aku kalau marah-marah.
Suatu hari, kita berantem gede banget, aku beneran keluar dari rumah dia, dan balik ke apartmentku.
Tapi malamnya dia jadi baek lagi dan memang dia akuin dia butuh aku.
Mungkin memang itu kali yah dia tetep sama aku. Karena memang dia butuh aku, aku bisa kasih temenin dia, urus dia, bersih-bersih apartment, cuci baju, masak, belanja.
Pembantu yah? Haha..
Pernah juga dia kata-katain aku, hatiku busuk, licik, cuma bikin dia susah dan stres saja. Aku ga berharga, mending kalau aku cantik, tapi aku sudah jelek, muka kaya tai atau cibai, masih banyak tingkah,
badan kaya babi, lambat, malas, ga bisa bangun pagi, ga virgin, udah pernah aborsi juga, gak bakal ada yang mau sama aku, karena pelacur saja lebih baik dari aku.
Terkadang dia pukul aku, atau tendang aku. Gak sampai sakit banget dan memar-memar begitu sih, but still ...
Dia memang bilang gak masalah juga kalau aku pergi. Kalau ada aku, dia bahagia kok. Karena katanya dia memang suka aku.
Tapi kalau aku pergi, ga papa juga. It makes me feel I'm nothing. I feel unwanted, dan kesannya seakan-akan aku yang maksa dia untuk tetep sama aku. I have to stop this.
Aku harus jadi cewe baik-baik saja ke dia. Nurut, dan gak banyak menuntut. Gak minta dan berharap macem-macem.
Dan masih banyak lagi sih sikap keras dan kasarnya ke aku.
I know, dan pasti kalian sudah capek bilangin aku harus lepasin dia.
Hmm.. the truth is, the reason I'm still staying, is because I'm scared.
Yes, can. You're right.
I'm scared.
I've been alone for a while, and I'm telling you, it's not nice to be lonely.
Eventhough it hurts me, it still feels nice to have somebody.
Ya ya, this is a wrong reason to stay, and I'm trying hard now to get out from this situation.
Akhir-akhir ini dia pergi. Dia pergi jalan-jalan ke Hk dan Canada mengunjungi keluarga jauhnya.
Sekarang sih dia ada di Jakarta. Aku masih di tempat dia, karena aku gantiin rent kamar dia. Sampai dia balik kesini.
Lately I've been thinking, memang aku harus cari apartment baru dan pindah dari sini.
Hmm.. Entah mengapa, aku merasa dia memang cuma cari aku pas ada butuh aja. I confronted him about this finally few days ago.
Lebih sering aku yang cari dia. Sewaktu dia di HK atau di Canada, aku masih bisa maklum kalau dia memang sibuk jalan-jalan.
Tapi dia sekarang di Jakarta, dan alasan dia kenapa dia gak sering sms, karena dia nyetir.
Katanya aku sms dia pas dia nyetir. Kalau dibales, aku banyak tanya. Gak makes sense kan? Apa salah kalau kita mau tahu orang yang kita sayangin sedang apa? Toh aku gak cari dia tiap jam begitu.
Aku bilang apa dia nyetir 24 jam, gak mungkin kan. Ga ada 5 menit gitu untuk cari aku.
Entahlah. It blew up into a huge fight again.
And I've finally said my goodbye.
Sudah 2 hari ini aku berusaha nahan diri gak cari dia. It's hard, but I know I have to.
I am a very compromising person, I can cope up with many things. But with Charles, unbelievable, I can't even believe it, it's so hard.
We were like, totally different. And I mean it 180 degrees.
We like different things. We have different point of views.
This relationship's not going smoothly.
We had fight a lot.
Dia mau aku selalu nurut sama dia. Selalu ikutin apa yang dia omong, meskipun terkadang apa yang dia mau bertentangan dengan yang aku pikir.
Yah, my mistake too, most of the time aku memang nurut. Sudah jadi sifat. Tapi to go out with him, extra patience is needed.
I admit, I'm weak. I am a giver in most of my relationship.
And he knows exactly how to use it.
He's controlling. Kalau ada sedikit kesalahan saja, dia gampang banget marah. Dan kalau sudah marah, semua perkataan buruk bisa keluar.
Tapi apa yang aku lakukan buat dia, gak berarti apa-apa buat dia. Kalau aku omong tentang ini, pasti dia bilang aku perhitungan.
Dan memang dia pernah bilang, aku ga bisa berharap untuk dapat sama seperti yang aku kasih.
Iya sih aku tahu memang, kita gak bisa expect orang untuk berubah, atau sayang balik ke kita, etc.
Yah gak setiap hari berantem sih. Terkadang dia baik juga sama aku. Tapi kalau dia sudah marah, he becomes the rudest man I've ever known.
I remember every words he ever said.
Dulu pernah dia bilang dia suka lihat cewe-cewe lain, dan tetep cari cewe lain. Karena dia ingin cobain banyak cewe.
Tapi dia juga ga mau aku pergi, karena dia butuh aku.
Dia juga pernah bilang ga pernah rasain cinta, can you believe that? Isn't it just a bullshit?
Pernah dia bilang suatu malam, dia kira ga ada masa depan buat aku sama dia.
Karena aku gak penuhin "syarat" calon istri dia. Dia bilang mau dapat istri yang 8 tahun lebih muda dari dia, and virgin.
Pernah dia bilang, kalau virginity is important. Dan temannya juga bilang begitu sih, Andy pernah bilang ke aku kalau Charles punya banyak mantan.
Dan yang dia memang suka dan sayangin, ya cuma sedikit. They're virgins.
Kalau aku tanya kenapa dia begitu, dia bilang dia baik-baik dan gombalin supaya dapat virginnya, bukan karena serius pacaran.
Dia bahkan pernah omong dan minta aku untuk bantuin dia dapetin virginnya temen-temenku.
Katanya kalau aku bisa bantu, aku bisa lebih berarti buat dia, karena bantuin dia dapet apa yang dia mau. Tapi gimana coba aku bisa bantuin begitu?
Jadi akhirnya dia bilang, yah bantuin aja dengan gimana caranya supaya bisa deketin cewe, karena aku cewe, tahu apa yang cewe mau.
Atau dia akan usaha sendiri, dan aku gak boleh ganggu.
Bahkan sewaktu tahu Mellissa sudah jadian sama Aris, dia salahin aku.
Why? Karena katanya aku ada bilang ke Mellissa kalau aku jadian sama dia.
Which is wrong for him, dia gak suka dan ga mau admit kita ini pacaran ke orang lain.
Coba saja tanya ke dia, dia punya cewe atau gak, atau tanya apa aku ini pacarnya. Dia akan jawab gak, dan aku adalah temen.
Pernah aku tanya soal ini, dan dia jawab ga perlu omong-omong ke orang lain.
Yah dia ada juga sih beberapa orang yang dia akuin aku sebagai cewenya, tapi ya ke orang-orang yang jarang ketemu sama dia.
Aku gak boleh banyak tanya ke dia. Katanya pertanyaan-pertanyaanku itu mengganggu.
Dia ada bilang jangan expect dia untuk cinta sama aku. Dia ga akan nikahin aku.
One day, aku pergi ke Fitness First untuk cancel membership. Aku berangkat sudah agak telat, buru-buru takut missed appointment dengan staff FFnya.
Karena aku jalan buru-buru, aku jalan duluan di depan. Then he lost me, dia belok naek eskalator. Aku omong dari bawah eskalator kalau aku naek dulu ya di elevator.
Tapi ternyata dia gak dengar, dan sudah mulai emosi.
Di FF mulai dia bicara kasar, kata-katain aku. Gimana aku jelek, muka kaya tai, trus usir aku, katanya gadis idaman dia sudah balik dari liburan.
Yah dia memang sering keluarin kata usir aku kalau marah-marah.
Suatu hari, kita berantem gede banget, aku beneran keluar dari rumah dia, dan balik ke apartmentku.
Tapi malamnya dia jadi baek lagi dan memang dia akuin dia butuh aku.
Mungkin memang itu kali yah dia tetep sama aku. Karena memang dia butuh aku, aku bisa kasih temenin dia, urus dia, bersih-bersih apartment, cuci baju, masak, belanja.
Pembantu yah? Haha..
Pernah juga dia kata-katain aku, hatiku busuk, licik, cuma bikin dia susah dan stres saja. Aku ga berharga, mending kalau aku cantik, tapi aku sudah jelek, muka kaya tai atau cibai, masih banyak tingkah,
badan kaya babi, lambat, malas, ga bisa bangun pagi, ga virgin, udah pernah aborsi juga, gak bakal ada yang mau sama aku, karena pelacur saja lebih baik dari aku.
Terkadang dia pukul aku, atau tendang aku. Gak sampai sakit banget dan memar-memar begitu sih, but still ...
Dia memang bilang gak masalah juga kalau aku pergi. Kalau ada aku, dia bahagia kok. Karena katanya dia memang suka aku.
Tapi kalau aku pergi, ga papa juga. It makes me feel I'm nothing. I feel unwanted, dan kesannya seakan-akan aku yang maksa dia untuk tetep sama aku. I have to stop this.
Aku harus jadi cewe baik-baik saja ke dia. Nurut, dan gak banyak menuntut. Gak minta dan berharap macem-macem.
Dan masih banyak lagi sih sikap keras dan kasarnya ke aku.
I know, dan pasti kalian sudah capek bilangin aku harus lepasin dia.
Hmm.. the truth is, the reason I'm still staying, is because I'm scared.
Yes, can. You're right.
I'm scared.
I've been alone for a while, and I'm telling you, it's not nice to be lonely.
Eventhough it hurts me, it still feels nice to have somebody.
Ya ya, this is a wrong reason to stay, and I'm trying hard now to get out from this situation.
Akhir-akhir ini dia pergi. Dia pergi jalan-jalan ke Hk dan Canada mengunjungi keluarga jauhnya.
Sekarang sih dia ada di Jakarta. Aku masih di tempat dia, karena aku gantiin rent kamar dia. Sampai dia balik kesini.
Lately I've been thinking, memang aku harus cari apartment baru dan pindah dari sini.
Hmm.. Entah mengapa, aku merasa dia memang cuma cari aku pas ada butuh aja. I confronted him about this finally few days ago.
Lebih sering aku yang cari dia. Sewaktu dia di HK atau di Canada, aku masih bisa maklum kalau dia memang sibuk jalan-jalan.
Tapi dia sekarang di Jakarta, dan alasan dia kenapa dia gak sering sms, karena dia nyetir.
Katanya aku sms dia pas dia nyetir. Kalau dibales, aku banyak tanya. Gak makes sense kan? Apa salah kalau kita mau tahu orang yang kita sayangin sedang apa? Toh aku gak cari dia tiap jam begitu.
Aku bilang apa dia nyetir 24 jam, gak mungkin kan. Ga ada 5 menit gitu untuk cari aku.
Entahlah. It blew up into a huge fight again.
And I've finally said my goodbye.
Sudah 2 hari ini aku berusaha nahan diri gak cari dia. It's hard, but I know I have to.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
and the attraction begins
Okay, before i begin, i just want to say that what i am about to write here, might seem bizarre to some of you, and probably you'd see me in negative way after. But i'm sorry i don't need your judgement..
+++++++
It happened so fast. I don't know when it started exactly, but straightaway I felt I'd like to be around him. He seemed so sincere, likes to help people, and maybe the one thing that made me attracted to him was, he knows what he wants, dalam arti tegas dan gak plin-plan, gak suka menunda pekerjaan.
The next day, 29th Dec, he was helping out another friends, who were moving out because their contract ended on the end of the year. I had nothing to do, so I was also helping out a bit.
I didn't know whether he's attracted to me or not, and my feeling wasn't really strong either, so I didn't do anything. But at night, when he came to Andy's apartment, I was watching TV with Candy, he began asking me about private things, like my ex boyfriends, how they were, what happened,etc. And at one point, he asked me, he wanted to kiss me. I said, why?
I forgot how the conversation went after that, all I remember is moments later, he kissed me.
So we were making out. We almost had sex, but I didn't want to because he didn't have any condom with him.
I realized it was really fast, it was too soon, and really seemed so easy. And things that come so easy must not be good.
So the next day, when we were at it again, i told him i really didn't want to do it, because he wasn't my boyfriend. Eventually he said ya kita pacaran loh. But i knew it was wrong, and i begged him to stop. He got mad, because he thought i was misleading. The day before I wanted to do it, but just because he didn't have any condom, and now I said different excuse.
I tried to explain to him that it was really hard being misjudged by others and i didn't want to do things that can make people think of me in a bad way again. I cried.
And he eventually left.
The next day, new year's eve, i felt terrible for what happened the night before. I don't know, maybe I was lost, I couldn't think straight, because of my family problems, and I had to lose Candy, everything made me couldn't think properly. New year's eve night, I spent with him, Andy, and Andy's friend (Awi), in Yarra Bridge, waiting for fireworks. I took Candy along, and she was afraid of the fireworks. It was cute but kinda annoying too, 'cause she kept trying to run away, she's so afraid of the fireworks sound, that me and Andy had to hold her tight and close her ears in turn.
When we got home, apparently there are some of Andy's friends coming and brought some drinks, and they were drinking until late. When everybody went home, Charles left too. I thought he's not coming back and still mad at me, but apparently he left his mobile phone so I knew that he'd come back.
We did have sex on that night. All I could think was, this guy has helped me so much, maybe this is the way of me paying him back, as I couldn't offer anything else. I know, it's wrong. But well, i wasn't in a good condition at that time. At some point he did mention that we're in a relationship, but i know i can't hope too much from the relationship that begins purely by physical attractions.
I knew i shouldn't be so naive, to actually hope that he'd love me. He's attracted to me, physically. He probably only wants to sleep with me. And my mistake is, I lost control. I've let myself caring for him more and more. I did many mistakes, some of them are huge, just because I don't want to lose him. I thought by doing them, I can still be with him. Little did I know that they don't guarantee he'd be around forever.
I can't tell exactly what I had done in these past months for him, as they were too private.
But maybe i can tell about him and how i felt lately ...
The next day, 29th Dec, he was helping out another friends, who were moving out because their contract ended on the end of the year. I had nothing to do, so I was also helping out a bit.
I didn't know whether he's attracted to me or not, and my feeling wasn't really strong either, so I didn't do anything. But at night, when he came to Andy's apartment, I was watching TV with Candy, he began asking me about private things, like my ex boyfriends, how they were, what happened,etc. And at one point, he asked me, he wanted to kiss me. I said, why?
I forgot how the conversation went after that, all I remember is moments later, he kissed me.
So we were making out. We almost had sex, but I didn't want to because he didn't have any condom with him.
I realized it was really fast, it was too soon, and really seemed so easy. And things that come so easy must not be good.
So the next day, when we were at it again, i told him i really didn't want to do it, because he wasn't my boyfriend. Eventually he said ya kita pacaran loh. But i knew it was wrong, and i begged him to stop. He got mad, because he thought i was misleading. The day before I wanted to do it, but just because he didn't have any condom, and now I said different excuse.
I tried to explain to him that it was really hard being misjudged by others and i didn't want to do things that can make people think of me in a bad way again. I cried.
And he eventually left.
The next day, new year's eve, i felt terrible for what happened the night before. I don't know, maybe I was lost, I couldn't think straight, because of my family problems, and I had to lose Candy, everything made me couldn't think properly. New year's eve night, I spent with him, Andy, and Andy's friend (Awi), in Yarra Bridge, waiting for fireworks. I took Candy along, and she was afraid of the fireworks. It was cute but kinda annoying too, 'cause she kept trying to run away, she's so afraid of the fireworks sound, that me and Andy had to hold her tight and close her ears in turn.
When we got home, apparently there are some of Andy's friends coming and brought some drinks, and they were drinking until late. When everybody went home, Charles left too. I thought he's not coming back and still mad at me, but apparently he left his mobile phone so I knew that he'd come back.
We did have sex on that night. All I could think was, this guy has helped me so much, maybe this is the way of me paying him back, as I couldn't offer anything else. I know, it's wrong. But well, i wasn't in a good condition at that time. At some point he did mention that we're in a relationship, but i know i can't hope too much from the relationship that begins purely by physical attractions.
I knew i shouldn't be so naive, to actually hope that he'd love me. He's attracted to me, physically. He probably only wants to sleep with me. And my mistake is, I lost control. I've let myself caring for him more and more. I did many mistakes, some of them are huge, just because I don't want to lose him. I thought by doing them, I can still be with him. Little did I know that they don't guarantee he'd be around forever.
I can't tell exactly what I had done in these past months for him, as they were too private.
But maybe i can tell about him and how i felt lately ...
+ to be continued +
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
what happened back then ..
I know I've been abandoning this blog for a while, my apology..
So many things happened, and i didn't have any chance to write them here..
So what happened back then were..
* i didn't have a happy and peaceful holiday back in my home country.. berantem ama nyokap terus, sampai at some point we didn't talk to each other..
Aku sebenernya tahu sih aku salah. Semua berawal dari Candy. Mama ga suka aku pelihara Candy, apalagi Candy ada kotorin karpet. Dan yah because the fact that aku gak lulus2 juga. Mungkin dia kira aku banyak main-main dan gak serius. She didn't know the reality that I've been dealing with depression and it really affected me in a bad way. And if I didn't have Candy, I might die since long time ago.
Yah lalu she refused to pay my apartment rent fee. Ditunda-tunda mulu, setelah ini lah, setelah itu lah, lalu sampai setelah ko yuki married lah, sampai pada akhirnya aku capek juga ngomong. Percuma juga omong karena at that time, nothing can be said. She hates my guts, and I hate her too.
I was thinking of giving up, seriously. To have a suicide attempt really became my option.
So we didn't talk to each other until the end, she was planning to take a trip to Taiwan with her sister's family on 26th Dec, she totally forgot that I was supposed to leave the next day to Melbourne.
* So then aku bener-bener pulang ke Melbourne on 27th Dec, without saying goodbye to my mom. My brother and sister-in-law said that they would help me to talk to my mom, but i know it'd be hard. They said if my mom was still stubborn, not wanting to support me again here, they'd leave home to. But they can survive even without my mom, but I can't. So i came back to Melbourne, with nothing prepared. All I can think about at that time was, I wanted to take and see Candy again. My condition at that time, I was really prepared to die. I only had few money left, dan uang rent apartment belom terbayar, so I couldn't stay at my apartment. I only can bring my luggage and Candy. I had nowhere to go. If I didn't get any help, I was planning to give Candy up to shelter, and suicide.
I don't have many friends left, and the ones that are still here couldn't help me. Then, i don't know i can call it miracle or what, something happened.
I prayed to God. tuhan, aku ga ada jalan keluar. aku gak tahu harus ngapain. aku ga ada tempat tujuan, ga ada teman, ga ada harapan lagi. kumohon bantu aku, karena kalau tidak, aku benar-benar ga ada jalan keluar dan satu-satunya yang ada di pikiranku adalah giving up.
Then, he came. Out of nowhere.
Aku nyampe Melbourne pagi hari. Agent apartment datang baru sore hari. Jadi aku masih ada waktu masuk ke apartment, dan nyalain messenger.
Suddenly he IMed me. Setelah sekian lama tidak kontak sama sekali.
His name is Charles Tham. I knew him few years ago, in 2006. At that time, i was moving, to Renata's apartment, so i needed a removalist. He was working as a removalist at that time, and Renata told me about him. So I hired him, but that's it. We didn't talk much, baik in person or in messenger. I was a customer of his mom's catering business, so I saw his mom a lot, but I rarely met him.
So anyway, i was really surprised. He messaged me and helped me to find temporary stay, I thanked God for him.
Maybe this is the reason I'm still sticking with him until now, eventhough all people said i shouldn't be with him. (more in this later...)
Aku berhutang banyak ke dia, kalau dia ga ada waktu itu, mungkin aku sudah ga ada sekarang ini.
Jadi setelah aku dikickout sama agent dari apartment, aku gak tahu mesti kemana. Ga ada tempat tujuan, dan hanya bawa satu koper dan Candy. Dan ga ada yang bisa ditumpangin.
Charles contacted me, he said ada temannya yang bisa ditumpangin. So he picked me up around 10 pm, after he's finished with FA, and after visiting some of his friends, i stayed at his friend's apartment.
Andy Maslan is his name. He's a good guy, he allowed me to stay at his place, eventhough he didn't know me, apparently Andy and Charles were best friends. And he liked Candy, so it was really a relief for me.
So i stayed at his place for sometime. Housemates nya Andy lagi holiday, so it was okay for me to stay there for some days. Masih lom ada kabar bagus dari koko, koko dan ce erni masih berusaha maksa mama untuk come into her senses and ngalah. In the other side, my mom wanted me to give Candy up. And it was really the hardest thing I've ever had to do. After giving my baby up, i kinda see Candy as my baby, i loved her very much.
Anyway, about my mom, yah pokoknya she's willing to support me again, as long as I give Candy up. Hmm.. So Candy's basically with Andy now. Right now it's just impossible for me to take care of her, sadly. It breaks my heart not being able to take care of her, but what can I do?
Okay.. More about Charles.. He keeps me company most of the time, he even stayed over too at Andy's apartment. Mungkin karena di apartment dia ga ada kamar kali ya, his parents came over for his graduation. So I guess kita mulai deket dari situ. But like the old saying, easy comes easy goes... It doesn't really like what I was hoping to be ...
So many things happened, and i didn't have any chance to write them here..
So what happened back then were..
* i didn't have a happy and peaceful holiday back in my home country.. berantem ama nyokap terus, sampai at some point we didn't talk to each other..
Aku sebenernya tahu sih aku salah. Semua berawal dari Candy. Mama ga suka aku pelihara Candy, apalagi Candy ada kotorin karpet. Dan yah because the fact that aku gak lulus2 juga. Mungkin dia kira aku banyak main-main dan gak serius. She didn't know the reality that I've been dealing with depression and it really affected me in a bad way. And if I didn't have Candy, I might die since long time ago.
Yah lalu she refused to pay my apartment rent fee. Ditunda-tunda mulu, setelah ini lah, setelah itu lah, lalu sampai setelah ko yuki married lah, sampai pada akhirnya aku capek juga ngomong. Percuma juga omong karena at that time, nothing can be said. She hates my guts, and I hate her too.
I was thinking of giving up, seriously. To have a suicide attempt really became my option.
So we didn't talk to each other until the end, she was planning to take a trip to Taiwan with her sister's family on 26th Dec, she totally forgot that I was supposed to leave the next day to Melbourne.
* So then aku bener-bener pulang ke Melbourne on 27th Dec, without saying goodbye to my mom. My brother and sister-in-law said that they would help me to talk to my mom, but i know it'd be hard. They said if my mom was still stubborn, not wanting to support me again here, they'd leave home to. But they can survive even without my mom, but I can't. So i came back to Melbourne, with nothing prepared. All I can think about at that time was, I wanted to take and see Candy again. My condition at that time, I was really prepared to die. I only had few money left, dan uang rent apartment belom terbayar, so I couldn't stay at my apartment. I only can bring my luggage and Candy. I had nowhere to go. If I didn't get any help, I was planning to give Candy up to shelter, and suicide.
I don't have many friends left, and the ones that are still here couldn't help me. Then, i don't know i can call it miracle or what, something happened.
I prayed to God. tuhan, aku ga ada jalan keluar. aku gak tahu harus ngapain. aku ga ada tempat tujuan, ga ada teman, ga ada harapan lagi. kumohon bantu aku, karena kalau tidak, aku benar-benar ga ada jalan keluar dan satu-satunya yang ada di pikiranku adalah giving up.
Then, he came. Out of nowhere.
Aku nyampe Melbourne pagi hari. Agent apartment datang baru sore hari. Jadi aku masih ada waktu masuk ke apartment, dan nyalain messenger.
Suddenly he IMed me. Setelah sekian lama tidak kontak sama sekali.
His name is Charles Tham. I knew him few years ago, in 2006. At that time, i was moving, to Renata's apartment, so i needed a removalist. He was working as a removalist at that time, and Renata told me about him. So I hired him, but that's it. We didn't talk much, baik in person or in messenger. I was a customer of his mom's catering business, so I saw his mom a lot, but I rarely met him.
So anyway, i was really surprised. He messaged me and helped me to find temporary stay, I thanked God for him.
Maybe this is the reason I'm still sticking with him until now, eventhough all people said i shouldn't be with him. (more in this later...)
Aku berhutang banyak ke dia, kalau dia ga ada waktu itu, mungkin aku sudah ga ada sekarang ini.
Jadi setelah aku dikickout sama agent dari apartment, aku gak tahu mesti kemana. Ga ada tempat tujuan, dan hanya bawa satu koper dan Candy. Dan ga ada yang bisa ditumpangin.
Charles contacted me, he said ada temannya yang bisa ditumpangin. So he picked me up around 10 pm, after he's finished with FA, and after visiting some of his friends, i stayed at his friend's apartment.
Andy Maslan is his name. He's a good guy, he allowed me to stay at his place, eventhough he didn't know me, apparently Andy and Charles were best friends. And he liked Candy, so it was really a relief for me.
So i stayed at his place for sometime. Housemates nya Andy lagi holiday, so it was okay for me to stay there for some days. Masih lom ada kabar bagus dari koko, koko dan ce erni masih berusaha maksa mama untuk come into her senses and ngalah. In the other side, my mom wanted me to give Candy up. And it was really the hardest thing I've ever had to do. After giving my baby up, i kinda see Candy as my baby, i loved her very much.
Anyway, about my mom, yah pokoknya she's willing to support me again, as long as I give Candy up. Hmm.. So Candy's basically with Andy now. Right now it's just impossible for me to take care of her, sadly. It breaks my heart not being able to take care of her, but what can I do?
Okay.. More about Charles.. He keeps me company most of the time, he even stayed over too at Andy's apartment. Mungkin karena di apartment dia ga ada kamar kali ya, his parents came over for his graduation. So I guess kita mulai deket dari situ. But like the old saying, easy comes easy goes... It doesn't really like what I was hoping to be ...
- to be continued -
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Private Setting
For some reasons, I have to make some changes. Mulai Feb 2008, blog ini akan jadi private blog.
Siapa yang masih mau baca tentang aku, just contact me in a week to get access to this blog :D.
Monday, January 21, 2008
dilemma - 01
what would you do if someone you care about told you, that he/she would leave you one day...
he/she needs you right now.. but one day, he/she might find another person, who's more attractive than you, and leave you..
would you still want to be with him/her, to support him/her during his/her difficult times, despite knowing that what you do to him/her might be useless and you'd have to let him/her go..?
sometimes there are some people who are so unlucky in love... *sigh*
he/she needs you right now.. but one day, he/she might find another person, who's more attractive than you, and leave you..
would you still want to be with him/her, to support him/her during his/her difficult times, despite knowing that what you do to him/her might be useless and you'd have to let him/her go..?
sometimes there are some people who are so unlucky in love... *sigh*
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