Wake Me Up When September Ends 25

30 SEPT 2012

Dear, you....

It's the last day of September, finally.....

Hopefully today is really the last day, and tomorrow I can see you again.

Some people been asking me about you. Well I can only clarify as far as I can, I understand about your need to take some time alone, instead of what they think about you're running away. And a friend also been budging me about how I feel.

To be honest, I am not sure about what I feel.

I know I really miss you, and I know I really need you, because I know I really love you. But it is true that expectation of waiting can be suffering. See I've told you before, it's kinda scared me a little. I am happy, that I am sure of :), if you really come home and see me tomorrow. I just hope it won't be awkward and weird. 

The past month without you, has taught me a lot of things.

Patience. Wisdom. Love.

How to appreciate our times before. To cherish small things that some people think are meaningless, yet they hold precious memories of you. 

How to understand more about the path we took together.

Though the mysteries aren't quite clear yet on why we met, but I know, God has plans.

Through the heartbreak and tears, I learn, about how to love you truly.

I'll just have to wait and see for tomorrow. No matter what have you become, I'll be waiting....

.bie.

" You can never really get over some one because after you fall in love with them, they will always be a part of you, the best part. - @damnitstrue "

Wake Me Up When September Ends 24

28-29 SEPT 2012

Dear, you....

I've been beaten up by my own body lately.

I don't know why but I felt weak lately, barely got spare energy, so most of the time I just looked like a lazy bum on the bed. 

I went past your home lately, on my way to work. Every time I go along that road and see your home, I wonder have you come home yet? We miss you.

We?

Yeah... Me and this guy :p.

So he is having the same ear infection as before, and he got 2 shots, and some prescription pills for the next few days. He gained weight :). Around 16 kgs now. Padahal kelihatan kurus yah. But he has big bones. Super excited as always, he didn't even look hurt at all. He's a bit scared though when riding the car, because I didn't drive there myself. I asked Pak No to take us there, and believe it or not, the only person Zorro ever scared of is him. I don't know why, nobody knows why, tapi memang Zorro kalau lihat ada Pak No, gak mau deket-deket.

I am sure he doesn't forget about you. :) Do you want to see him again?

Today I went to work as usual. A bit busy and tiring as usual. I am a bit annoyed with myself, why I feel sooooo tired even when I barely do anything. But this afternoon I went to Solo Optic, to finally order the new lenses. For the glasses that we bought together, remember? :) Tadi disana dicharge 300k, gak terlalu banyak nanya, kayanya mereka sendiri sudah nentuin pakai lensa yang mana. Aku mau tanya-tanya banyak juga gak enak. 

Lalu malam hari aku ajak family ke Solo Square, sebenarnya karena aku butuh ke Body Shop aja sih, cuma males nyetirnya hehehe. Jadi aku rayu mereka untuk anterin kesana. SOLO MACET GILA sekarang kalau malam, apalagi kalau weekend. 

a slighty tilted preview... TOO MANY bikes and cars around.

Jadi inget kita dulu sering puter-puter kota terus juga stuck di macet begini hehehe.

Tapi kan kamu yang nyetir jadi aku enak :p. It's been a while we don't do it. :)

And every little corner of this city reminds me of you..... :(

.bie.

...... tired of missing you

Wake Me Up When September Ends 23

26-27 SEPT 2012

“ The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting. ” 

― Andy Warhol

“ Of all the hardships a person had to face, 

none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting. ” 

― Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns

Dear, you...

:)

It's almost the end of September. It's getting closer. Only few days more, and I guess I will see you again?

To be honest, I have mixed feelings. Since few days ago, I get really nervous when I think about you. Ada perasaan seperti deg-deg'an, terkadang merasa seperti sesak, atau takut? I don't know it's kinda like I'm having a breakdown. Even with I tried to calm myself down for the past two days, I am still feeling nervous as I typed this post. 

Di satu sisi, I am really excited to see you again. Got really impatient and really hoping that the day of you promised to be back here, will come soon. I miss you so much. I can rewind memories about us over and over again, just to remember about you. 

But on the other side, I am also scared. We don't even talk to each other for a month, so I am kinda scared that things might be different between us. Will you be different? Will you act differently towards me? Will you stay? Those are the things that always run in my mind. 

Guess I just have to wait and see. But in all seriousness, it is true that even though it is exciting, to have something to wait for, the waiting and anticipation itself do make me really nervous.

Frankly, I am not ready for another goodbye. The thing I am scared the most is if you really is saying goodbye. I am just not ready to let you go, even though I should. I know that worrying too much won't get me better. As I pray, I hope you will come back as the better old you, not the brand new you that I don't recognize anymore. :( You see, I love you and I don't want to lose you because my life has been better since the day I found you.-@damnitstrue

01 October 2012

I want this day to be magical.

~*~

So about my days....

Well I can't do what I planned before. Remember that I told you that I might be going to Sby to attend the KPIN? Turned out I can't :(. Due to work situation. The manager requires me to do a  report that is basically a bit more thorough report of what I am doing weekly, which is actually not too hard to do, but I need to check everything thoroughly so it takes more time. I can not take days off to go out-town.

Feeling so bummed about this.

I sometimes feel tired of my days. I am not sure if it's because of my low-mood of not having you here, although I think it does count, or maybe because I have very little energy right now.

Hmm.. maybe I do need to start working out regularly soon. Like going to gym or something.

And I do get an invitation to do blood-donor thing again from the company on Monday, which is the 01 Oct. I might be doing it, it's been a while since the last time I did it, so maybe if we do meet up at night, I hope I am strong enough. 

Quick news,

I checked up on Zorro's ears just now. Was planning to clean it as usual, but turns out it was injured a lil bit. :( I was suspicious when I playfully slap his left ear earlier, he squeaked. I knew something must be wrong. So before bed, I tried to look at it, and it did look bad. Not really bad, just some redness, but it's a bit moist. I'm guessing there must be an ear infection due to fungus again, as it had happened before, but it is worse because it actually gets wet constantly, and I blame Cleo for this because she always bites Zorro's ear when she plays with him. (T_T) I need to take Zorro tomorrow to the vet, so I plan on taking a day off of work. Zorro looks okay though, still very happy and excited and hyperactive. He just doesn't want me to check on his ears. Maybe he's scared it will hurt. He doesn't look like he's hurting. He does try to scratch his ear a lot. I don't want to wait til Saturday to take him to the vet. 

I miss Ruffy. Really I DO. (T_T) How is she? I hope she's okay.

.bie.

....... awkwardly waiting for you.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 22

Pistanthrophobia

 The common fear of trusting people,

 due to past experiences with relationships gone bad.

- @firstworldfacts

24-25 SEPT 2012

Dear, you...

Yeah, I skipped a day of writing. :(

It's not like I didn't have anything to say to you, but I've been extremely tired lately, which I don't really know why, that I actually slept longer than usual yesterday. Didn't plan to actually, I was still snuggling into your shirt when I fell asleep, and ended up sleeping for almost 10 hours. Felt refreshed at the morning of course, though I felt bad for not writing here for yesterday.

So today I am still thinking about the same thing, how I keep distance from people. This morning I had another interesting conversation, with someone "somehow related" to me (which I think you can guess, as I can't really disclose the names due to respect). So another event has happened which put me in disadvantage. I can't really stress out the details in here.

In the nutshell, I feel like another similar situation is happening, how people think they do what's best, and they think it's better, which is actually if it's looked through properly, it's not. And the outcome of those action affected me negatively.

Well, I don't really mind, if people judging me only from their own perspectives, and I don't demand them to understand about me. 

But I gotta say, sometimes it sucks.

~^~

I still remember the day we met.

I still couldn't believe myself actually, why I did agree to meet up with you.

Was it because you're really skillful in wooing girls, or you really meant it to break my walls?

Just now when I was reminiscing the old day, I realized that meeting you was really different from the rest. I don't enjoy meeting new people. I don't enjoy small-talks. When I am on a date, very often I can't wait for the date to be over and go home. 

Did you remember our first date? We agreed on having dinner, on that place that now I consider my happy place, and watching movies. Never really planned on doing anything else, but then after the movie ended, you asked me to go to that cafe first before going home. Do you remember what time it was? Almost 10 PM, and I had to go home soon. But stupidly I said okay. That should have been my first clue on how you were gonna totally change my world.

And how I can act ridiculously silly with you.

You should be proud of yourself, because only you can do that. 

And that's another way for me of knowing that I love you. For when I am with you, I never want it to end so soon.

And only you can make me comfortable enough to bring out my inner-child.

~^~

I've been going to Starbucks so often lately. (^^)v

For the most parts because Novita is also there quite often. I want to show you our usual place to hang out. It's outdoor because they are smokers, but this is my fave spot too.

One of those tables. In the corner.

And I always sit in the chair that's facing outside. Why?
So I can see this.

The Lights.

Is it nice? :)

Every time I go here, I think about you. Yes, I think about you anytime, anywhere. But here there are few factors that remind me of you.

I totally want to take you here. :(

It has coffee. And it's outdoor. 

Where we can see city lights. People. The moon.

And........ listening to the smooth jazz music the barristas put on.

I never really listen to jazz before I met you, and you made me hooked on it. I like it very much, and every time I listen to it, I think about you.

This night is an almost great night. Not too breezy night, not too hot either. Relaxing smooth jazz music on. Yummy drinks. There's only one thing missing from making this a great night. You.

.bie.

.... missing and loving you as always

Wake Me Up When September Ends 21

Tulusnya cinta, meski tak lagi bersama, kadang rasa benci hadir dalam dada, 

kamu tetap tak pernah melewatkan seharipun tanpa merindukannya.

- @pepatah

23 SEPT 2012

Dear, you...

Hari ini ada yang menarik, dari sedikit conversation with CT. Yes, he did contact me again lately. In a crazy yet twisted way, he always makes me thinking about myself.

As you know, he's been trying to get me back, with his own intention which I totally don't want to find out anymore. I am pushing him away, I barely replied to his messages, and when I did reply, I reply with very clear hesitation. And I did it because I don't want the same thing that happened to me few years ago, happen again the future. It does seem like an appropriate way to deal with someone that's hurt us in the past, right?

Only, he did say that I'm not pushing him only away. I am also pushing another people away, even though they never made any errors toward me. He pointed out that I've been like that since the very first beginning. And that I should change. Change the way I am, to be more open to people, so they can communicate well with me, as he found out it is difficult to talk with me.

I reminded him, that one time, I did allow him to enter my world, as my someone. And what he did to anything he knew about me, he used it as tools to make even weaker in my already-depressed-condition, and abused me. So I said, how can he expect me to trust him again and be more open to him? It But he did point out that I never really had friends. Much due to myself, pushing people away. I don't socialize much, and even when some friends try to be closer to me, my reaction sometimes would be rejecting them.

Well... It's not totally wrong. I am. I am scared. Ever since I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and I've seen and experienced some things that a girl shouldn't grew up with ( still experiencing by the way....) , I feel it's natural to be like that. And I'm building layered-walls, not just ONE, BUT MANY, with every heartbreaks, every sufferings, every disappointments, really thick ones so people don't get in easily. I just think that most of people can't understand. They think they understand, but actually they don't. And most people only like to hear dramas of my life, not really concerning about what I feel inside.

 

The walls still exist until now. And I'm not even sure I've ever stopped building. It's like there's a poster on the wall that says “Warning! Crazy person inside.” 

Sometimes, when I do disclose things about me, it's only because I got so fed up with my life and I want people to know, what was wrong with me, so they would run away. I never made it easy for anyone to break through those walls.

I know, it makes me look like a very bitter person, and a very mean girl. I can't smile a lot, much to the fact that I barely know what happiness is anymore. Even when I do smile, I fake a lot, because I'm still sane enough to know that people like someone cheerful around. No one likes to be around bitter person, right?

And every time I had to fake myself, the walls just keep getting taller and thicker.

Even though sometimes, I do manage to be "friendly" with people.

(especially if I'm being drugged with these delicious fattening Bucksy)

But is it really ME?

Then you came. In a very unexpected situation, you managed to see the real me. How? I don't know, even until today, I can be real, if it's for you. I can feel truly happy, if i am with you. In a very sick and inappropriate way, I do need you.

And that's another reason of why I do love you. And only you. 

I did say some "I love you" to some exes before you. And you made me realize, the "I love you" that I said to you, were the only ones that are genuine. 

How can I know?

Because I don't hate you. Although you've hurt me so.

I should hate you.

But I can't. 

Yeah, maybe it won't matter much now. I can't expect you to feel the same way.

I'm just trying to be honest with myself, for this once.

Because I don't know how long I can keep "the stupid bie" alive.

I'm just not sure anyone can ever love, the real me.

I used to believe you can, but... even though you don't, the stupid bie will still love you anyway.

bie~

Wake Me Up When September Ends 20

What's funny is, no matter how busy I am, I am still thinking and missing you.

22 SEPT 2012

Dear, you....

Today's a full day. Ga banyak rencana sih. Kerja as usual, agak santai. Meskipun aku bangun kesiangan, gara-gara semalem tidurnya telat banget :(.

Waktu mau pulang kerja, dapat kabar kalau teman-teman semobil mau sekalian ke Tiongting, ada mertuanya mantan managerku yang dulu yang meninggal jadi yah, sekalian pulang mampir kesana dulu. Solo panaaaaaaaas banget. Kadang kalau sore bisa mendung sih, but it still hasn't rained yet. Siang hari bisa panas banget. Hueuehue biasanya kalau kamu waktu complaint panas, aku pakai emoticon *kipas-kipas* yah. :) Cute.

Aku baru sampai rumah hampir setengah tiga. Tadinya mau tiduran, karena panas. Tapi diajak sama Novita ke Paragon, untuk ke Starbucks. :)

Ice Sea Salt Caramel Mocha Frappuccino Blended, with whipped cream and caramel sauce. :)~

Hari ini kan tanggal 22, seperti biasa Starbucks memang ada promo 50% off drinks kalau beli pakai tumbler kan, jadi memang sih aku ada plan mau kesana malam. Cuma kebetulan memang Matthew hari ini juga ulang tahun, dan takutnya ada rencana makan malam di rumah, jadi ya aku ke Paragon with Novi&hubby sore sampai jam 5.

Aku juga lunch disana sekalian, di Paragon maksudnya, tapi di Katsu Tei. Karena pas juga hari ini terakhir mereka promo Buy 1 Get 1 Free for sushi. Jadi aku dapat 2 piring ini cuma dgn 25rb, lumayan enak kan. Kayanya aku jadi sering nyari promo Buy 1 Get 1 free, yah? (^^)v

Salmon Fresh :)~ . And fried Tori Cheese Roll.

I went home around 5.30pm. Tadinya di rumah belum ada kepastian akan ada acara makan-makan atau tidak, karena ada unexpected thing about the invitation, yang tadinya Erni cuma mau makan-makan private aja, tapi ternyata Mamaku sudah siapin cake-cake kecil untuk dikasih ke orang juga hehe. Jadinya Erni bingung kalau mau undang orang-orang mendadak gitu kan susah ya. Sempat terpikir apa besok saja makan-makan perayaannya, tapi Matthew as the birthday boy sudah excited dari pagi sudah pengen birthday celebration.

Tapi karena mendadak, yang bisa cuma sepupuku Anna Halim itu, sama temennya mamaku ada satu. Malam jam 8 jadinya, ada kita bersepuluh, dinner di Solaria yang di Solo Paragon Mall. Hehehe kamu tahu kan kalau Solaria itu cuma berseberangan sama Starbucks. Jadinya aku kesana lagi :p. Mumpung disc 50% gitu, sampai 3x aku beli Starbucks. Barrista disana sampai sudah hafal sama aku. Saking seringnya kesana. 

Kita dinner, sampai jam 9an. Tapi masih ada ngobrol2 sama sepupuku sampai jam 10an baru kita pulang. Overall, a quite full day sih. 

Did you have a full day as well?

At night I usually think, wondering what you had for the day.

Do you still think about me, or at least remember me.....?

And it is funny, even though people always say, you can distract your mind with something else, I can't. Although I seem busy, and doing something, my heart still missing you, and my mind still think about you. It is sure a multitasking thing :p.

I kinda wish you were here, to be with me.

I do mean it, when I said that I want you in my future. 

Meskipun sepertinya, sudah tidak mungkin lagi ya....?

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 19

21 SEPT 2012

-POSE SERONOK-

Feelings don't die. We all keep them alive by feeding them memories. 

That's the exact reason why it is so hard to move on from a loved one.

- RT @damnitstrue

Dear, you...

Masih inget monster berbulu putih ini gak? :)

Tadi main-main guling-guling'an sama dia di ranjang. Ga kemana-mana. I feel tired for no reasons. :( Very low-mood. Sampai sempat tertidur.

Anyway, a friend was asking me what I was doing, ketika aku guling-guling'an itu. And I did answer guling-guling'an :D. Trus tiba-tiba teringat Shinchan. Rolling around with the dog Shiro. And then I looked at Zorro. Aku baru sadar emang kaya Shiro yah.

Pantesan orang2 kalau denger nama Zorro, heran karena Zorro identik hitam, harusnya Shiro.

Hmm.. maybe we should get another BLACK dog and name it Shiro. To balance it out ;).

And of course with Ruffy. How is she by the way? :(

Malam hari jam 10 ada siaran ulang konser Glenn Fredly di Indosiar. Nonton itu jadi nostalgia hahaha. Tp ga nostalgia sama kamu. Sama Melbourne :p.

Memories do have a great part in my life. 

I am blessed with the skill of remembering some things, that truly matter to me. And I fairly confident to say, memories of us won't disappear easily.

There were times I got hurt so bad during our times together. But somehow the good memories of you made up for it. 

Cinta itu ke lubuk hati. Semua hal bisa hilang, kecuali cinta itu sendiri. Meskipun mungkin pikiran bisa lupa, apakah hati bisa lupa?

Teori memory dan hati yang kita debatin dulu itu ga selesai-selesai ya. :p

.bie

(..... still so much into you)

Wake Me Up When September Ends 18

20 SEPT 2012

Dear, you...

My eyes must be making illusion. How could I see you're online in YM using mobile?

Was it really you? Or someone else using your account?

Nevertheless, "the person" ignored me. I couldn't help feeling in despair for the rest of the afternoon. Maybe there's still a bit part of me, afraid that after all of that happened between us, and after you come back here later, i'm afraid that we might become strangers after all.

Terkadang, aku berpikir, kenapa kita harus bertemu? Kenapa harus aku, yang mengalami ini, yang bersama kamu. Yang dari sekian banyak orang, di hidupmu, harus aku?

~^~

I went out to Starbucks again tonight. ;)

With Novita & her hubby. Kebetulan aku dapat 2 coupons of free tall drinks HAHAHA. <3

Kita nongkrong2 disana dari jam 8an sampai jam setengah 11an. Yah ngobrol-ngobrol banyak hal. Ada sedikit tentang kamu juga. Dan aku seperti mendapat sedikit pemikiran dari mereka, kalau mungkin, yah memang Tuhan yang sengaja memilih aku, memilih kamu. Lebih tepatnya, kita memang dipilih, untuk melakukan sesuatu, untuk apapun itu yang hanya Tuhan sendiri yang tahu. Dan aku sekarang memang mencari sih, untuk apa. 

Entah ya memang manusia tidak bisa tahu ya apa rencana Tuhan untuk ke depannya.

Apakah memang we are meant to be with each other, or not. Yang jelas, aku tidak ingin menyesali adanya kita dulu.

Renungan hari ini :

Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.Yakinlah dan mengertilah bahwa ujian dan pembuktikan iman anda membawa kegigihan dan ketekunan dan kesabaran.
Sebetulnya ujian atau pencobaan lumrah terjadi dalam hidup ini, tidak ada satupun dari kita yang dapat menghindarinya.

Perbedaannya dari sikap kita, kalau kita merasa terpukul dan berat, maka hidup yang kita jalani akan terasa demikian.
Bila percaya dengan iman bahwa Tuhan selalu memberi jalan keluar akan membuat kita merasa nyaman dan tenteram, sehingga kita dapat menikmati hidup ini didalam kasih karuniaNya.
Membuat kita semakin tekun dan gigih untuk memasuki semua rencanaNya, yang telah disediakan bagi kita.

~^~

Anyway, did you follow the new Jkt's governor election? Seru juga yah. Aku ikutin di detik & di twitter sih perkembangannya gimana. Meskipun kadang terpikir, I shouldn't really care that much, it's not my city, I don't live there. As like one of my friends tweeted, he didn't give a damn fuck about it. Me personally, I still care a bit. I feel like indirectly, it will affect the future of the country. Even indirectly.

We may not realize this, but actually every one of us can be connected in a mysterious way.

And then, lately I got some Broadcast Messages, tentang bagaimana situasi bahaya jika kita ke tempat-tempat fast-food akhir-akhir ini, seperti yang terjadi beberapa hari yang lalu kan, tentang bagaimana Ormas tidak suka dengan segala hal yang berbau Amerika dan akan konvoi  sweeping. The worse thing is, sepertinya ditambah-tambahi dengan hendaknya jika kita ada atribut Kristen atau pernak-pernik Salib di mobil atau dimana gitu, kita copot dulu supaya katanya bahaya, "mereka" juga memburu hal-hal seperti itu. 

Sampai 2-3x sepertinya aku dapat BM seperti itu. Terakhir aku ada bales sih, untuk jangan malu menjadi orang Kristen. Karena kalau menyangkal kita mempunyai Yesus, sama saja mati kan? 

Selamat di dunia, mati di akhirat. Atau mending mati di dunia, selamat di akhirat?

Besides, dying for something we truly believe in. Kebenaran dan alasan yang benar tentu saja. Bukan karena doktrin agama yang salah dan kebencian.

I miss you,... of course.

Did I tell you that enough?

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 17

Sama seperti kita tidak bisa memaksa cinta itu datang ke hati, 

kita juga tidak bisa memaksa cinta untuk pergi seketika dari hati.

~^~

19 SEPT 2012

Banyak yang berspekulasi, "it will wear off soon..." "you can forget about him..." "you will get over it..." etc. . Meski memang pedoman Talking is easier than actually doing it sudah sering disebarluaskan, it seems like a very appropriate advice when people deal with broken-hearted person. 

NOT.

Aku cuma mau bilang, bahwa melupakan bukan cara untuk bangkit dari keterpurukan. Apalagi jika tidak ada yang bisa benar-benar tahu apa yang dirasakan oleh seseorang, kecuali orang itu sendiri dan Tuhan ? Am I right ? Yes we can give our sympathy, supports, prayers. But the most important thing, empathy and understanding, that it is not an easy-peasy thing to do.

Hari ini aku berpikir, tentang apa itu keanehan cinta, dan sikap ironis orang terhadapnya. Cinta itu, bisa datang tak terduga. Jika kita bisa menerima kenyataan ciri dari cinta adalah dia bisa datang tanpa dipaksa, bukankah aneh jika kita memaksakan diri untuk mengusir cinta itu pergi?

Dear, you...

I don't know where you are right now.

I don't know what you are doing right now.

I don't know how you are right now.

I don't know what you feel, what you think about, right now.

But I know me.

I know what I feel.

What I think about. What I dream of.

And I know, that everything about you, is real.

And I'm not forcing myself to let you go. That will just make me love you more.

Ada sedikit komentar dari teman, mengapa cengeng ketika kehilangan orang yang kita cintai? Seharusnya dia yang sedih karena kehilangan orang yang begitu mencintainya.

Hahaha, good one. :)

Just like when I fell in love with you, unexpectedly.

Untuk dulu, hingga hari ini, entah sampai kapan, aku yakin untuk menyatakan, 

kalau aku masih sayang kamu. Even when you don't give a damn about it.

Tidak banyak yang kuminta. Hanya cobalah untuk mengerti itu.

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 16

18 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

What did you do today? Are you doing alright, and healthy?

Hari ini, kuakui aku lemah. Aku merasa down dan capek atas apa yang terjadi kemarin, dan aku merasa low-mood, aku tidak masuk kerja, istirahat di rumah. Banyak yang aku rasakan dan aku pikirkan hari ini.

I snuggled all day in my bed, holding your shirt so tight. Kinda hoping that I'd get to smell some scent of you, to get that feeling that you'd always be there for me. Sayangnya your scent is gone, I think. :) But that doesn't mean without it I forget about you. 

I completely think about you today. Lately, terkadang aku pun sering untuk berpikir, untuk apa aku melakukan semua ini? Dengan tanpa jaminan bahwa sebenarnya kamu peduli? 

Banyak hal yang menjatuhkan aku, dan membuatku ingin untuk membenci kamu. Dan semua memang masuk akal jika aku membenci kamu. But I can't. Terkadang justru aku membenci diriku sendiri karena tidak bisa membenci kamu. Ini semua akan lebih mudah jika aku diberi kemampuan untuk membenci kamu.

I still care for you. Which I perfectly know that it's a stupid thing.

Tidak mudah bagiku untuk keluar begitu saja dari keadaan ini. Yang terkadang membuat semua lebih sulit ketika seluruh orang memaksa aku untuk melakukannya segera. I want to do it right. Dan tergesa-gesa memaksakan diri melupakanmu, justru akan membuatku lebih membenci diri sendiri. So I want to do it right, sesuai dengan bimbingan Tuhan.

Sore hari aku ke Progsif hari kedua. Diingatkan lagi untuk berdoa dengan benar, beriman dengan benar, menuruti dan tunduk akan Tuhan, bukan atas kehendak kita. Kita harus pegang terus yah prinsip ini. 

Jujur aku sedikit gamang ketika aku datang hari ini. Karena peristiwa kemarin, aku tidak bisa mempercayai siapapun. Aku merasa tidak diterima, tapi aku harus tetap datang karena aku tidak ingin melewatkan Progsif. Hari ini lumayan, dapat pelajaran lagi. Tentang bagaimana kita membedakan antara keajaiban yang benar dan yang palsu. Pembacaan ayat-ayat Alkitab yang menjelaskan tentang betapa bahayanya mujizat yang disalahartikan. Dan banyak lagi, seharusnya kamu juga datang yah. :) Kita kan sering diskusi mengenai topik mujizat ini dulu, (inget saat-saat dimana kita masih having lunch tiap Sabtu, dan kita membahasnya, karena biasanya di hari Sabtu itu aku ada melihat acara "kesembuhan" itu di tv, hehehe... ).

Jadi kita bisa sama-sama belajar. 

Satu hal lagi yang aku dapat hari ini adalah bagaimana beda antara keyakinan dan beriman.

Dan bagaimana apabila seandainya Tuhan tidak memberikan kesembuhan pun, kita tetap harus meyakini kalau Tuhan memelihara. Sesuatu yang akhir-akhir ini menjadi pergumulanku karena aku sangat memohon untuk kekuatan & kesembuhan dari lukaku, yang sampai sekarang masih aku miliki. Aku harus lebih sabar ya, dan membiarkan Tuhan untuk bekerja sendiri, entah apa yang akan Dia kerjakan di hidupku. 

Selesai acara, aku ada omong-omong lagi dengan Pak Andi. Lebih untuk meminta waktu untuk bercerita. Aku cerita kalau aku tidak nyaman dengan adanya hate messages yang setiap kali aku terima, untuk mengata2i aku dan lebih-lebih memfitnah aku membuat sepertinya aku tidak diterima di gereja. Karena jujur saja aku merasa, jika memang keberadaanku mengganggu sebagian orang, aku tidak ingin itu terjadi. Aku terpikir untuk ga akan ada lagi, lagian aku adapun dianggap sok suci. Meskipun memang berat untuk aku, baik aku ada ataupun tidak. Semua akan berat untuk aku. 

Untuk sementara, aku sudah meluruskan ke Pak Andi kalau aku kesana, bukan dengan adanya niat buruk atau apapun itu. Dan sedari awal memang aku tidak pernah ada intention buruk kepada kalian. Semoga kalian semua bisa menerima. Jika tidak, yaaaa aku pun tidak bisa memaksa. Jika suatu saat aku harus berhenti untuk kesana, I have to say, aku tidak menyesal bisa mengenal kalian. Kita lihat saja deh ke depannya Tuhan mau seperti gimana ya.

Pak Andi ada sedikit cerita tentang kamu. Kamu dianggap melarikan diri. Ya aku meluruskan anggapan dia kalau kamu bukan melarikan diri, tapi menenangkan diri, dan akan kembali. Tapi mereka khawatir, dan aku pun juga sekarang jadi khawatir sih, tentang apa sih yang kamu lakukan selama kamu hilang ini. Tanpa bimbingan. Aku sih masih percaya, kamu masih memegang janji untuk baik-baik saja ya. Dan aku juga bilang ke Pak Andi kalau kamu sudah janji kok untuk bawa Bible dan baca setiap hari firman-Nya. Aku percaya kalau kamu akan kembali menjadi orang yang lebih baik lagi nanti. Bukan orang yang kembali dari pelarian. I believe in you. Please, be good. :)

Aku tidak pandai dalam hal rohani. Aku masih bodoh dalam hal agama. Aku cuma punya keyakinan, kalau kita bisa sama-sama belajar dan bertumbuh terus. Dan itu membutuhkan penyerahan penuh. Percaya atau tidak, beberapa hari yang lalu, ketika aku bangun tidur, tiba-tiba terlintas di kepalaku kalimat prinsip Kuasa Tuhan Penuh akan Hidupku. Aku juga tidak bisa mengerti kenapa pagi-pagi bisa terpikir seperti itu. Aku anggap hal itu sebagai bimbingan Tuhan akan kita, untuk tetap percaya sama Dia, ya....

Kamu juga tetap yah, rajin belajar. 

Karena aku butuh kamu juga untuk mengajari aku, he he he....

missin' you,

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 15

17 Sept 2012

Dear, you....

I had an interesting day, overwhelming day. It actually took me overnight to write about today.

It's a hard thing for me to tell this, but here it is....

Pertama, pagi-pagi bangun dengan sibuk. Busy day at work. A bit tiring. Ingat untuk tetap bersyukur atas kesibukan ini. Pekerjaan lumayan banyak. Waktu siang hari, sempat terpikir untuk nanti sepulang kerja untuk istirahat. Entahlah sewaktu pulang, rasanya mood semakin turun. I cried on my way home. Rasanya sumpek banget dan teringat kamu, bener-bener butuh tahu tentang kamu. Sempat terpikir untuk stay at home. Tapi juga lalu ingat kalau ada Progsif di gereja yah.

Pulang ke rumah, I got another mysterious package. And again I have no idea who sent it. Can I really assume that it was from you? Karena tidak ada orang lain yang bisa tahu apa yang aku biasanya pake. It made me happy, to have these little unexpected surprises. And it will be greater if they were really from you. :) 

So wherever you are, whatever you do, thank you for these. And that precious gift that of course I won't post it here :p. 

Thank you, you!! :)

Aku dateng ke acara progsif. Meskipun sedikit telat, karena ada insiden kunci mobil hilang ga bisa ditemukan jadi ada acara cari-cari keliling rumah dulu untuk nyari kunci mobil. Dateng telat sekitar jam setengah 7 kurang. Di area belakang sudah ramai, aku disuruh duduk di PALING DEPAN. Awkward, aneh, sendirian di depan. Progsifnya lumayan sih, Pak Andi lumayan memberi pelajaran yang bagus. Banyak yang bisa dipelajari. :)

Aku juga ada omong-omong sebentar privately dengan dia setelah acara. Sampai semuanya pulang, aku masih ada diskusi sama dia. Yah kurang lebih mengenai bagaimana untuk benar-benar tahu kalau Tuhan yang memang bekerja di hidup ini. Mungkin lebih enak yah kalau diskusi tentang agama secara langsung, daripada hanya diceritakan disini. Disitu pula aku menyadari, kangennya aku atas kita dulu yang bisa diskusi banyak tentang bible dan lain-lain. 

I have to be honest, aku memang merasa, ketika aku cerita dengan Pak Andi, ada yang ngliati aku. :) 

I really need to talk with you :'(.

.bie.

~*~

Hello, my haters. 

Yang ada dibawah ini adalah untuk kalian.

You see, I got another hate message tonight. Right after I got home. Kata-kata hinaan lagi yang aku kurang tahu kalian ingin apa lagi dari aku? Kali ini berbeda sih dengan yang sebelumnya, yang sebelumnya amat pengecut nomornya langsung tidak bisa dihubungi, kalau yang ini masih sempat aku bisa sms balik dan sempat ada balasan juga dari sana. 

Aku tidak marah. Aku tidak benci. Dan lagi aku mau meluruskan, semua anggapan yang diberikan kepadaku, silahkan, aku dengarkan, aku tidak bisa mengontrol apa kata hati orang lain.

Aku tahu, banyak kesalahan yang aku lakukan, yang sebenarnya tidak didasari oleh niat buruk. Mungkin memang ada yang tersakiti atas apa yang terjadi belakangan ini. Lalu, MAU KALIAN APA?

Kalian mau aku lenyap? Tidak ada lagi disini? Don't think I'm doing okay, jika saja kalian tahu aku lebih hancur dari kalian. Tapi apa aku harus menunjukkannya supaya kalian puas?

Semua yang terjadi, aku TIDAK PERNAH ADA NIAT dengan SENGAJA melakukannya. Mungkin memang ada kekeliruan yang aku ambil, kesalahan yang aku tetap lakukan. Tapi tidak pernah ada niat dari awal untuk sengaja. 

Hey, I'm not asking for this. Semua memang terjadi begitu saja. Apakah mutlak kesalahan saya?

Dan jika kalian menganggap saya sok suci, well pernahkah saya bilang saya ini suci?

Pernahkah saya menonjolkan diri sebagai orang suci?

No, dari awal sampai sekarang ini, aku tetap manusia hina. Ya, semua manusia adalah manusia berdosa. Dan aku memang berdosa. Dan aku tidak pernah berharap kalian untuk respect atau ga dengan aku. Alasan mengapa aku tetap ingin belajar di gereja, adalah karena aku menyadari hal itu, bahwa aku adalah pendosa. Dan aku juga sudah berjanji pada Tuhan, (dan kepada dia), untuk tetap setia mencari apa kehendak Tuhan atas semua kejadian ini. Lalu kalian ingin aku tidak ada lagi disana? If you have no idea how it feels to be me, why judge me? Even though it is a lot easier to judge than to understand, bukankah sebagai orang yang katanya "lebih baik dari saya", seharusnya Anda bisa bersikap lebih baik lagi daripada menghakimi saya?

Saya tidak pernah ada menginginkan pertengkaran. Saya juga tidak pernah menginginkan adanya kehancuran suatu hubungan atau kepercayaan. Jika anda sekalian bertanya dan menyalahkan saya atas kejadian yang terjadi, ya mari kita sama-sama mencari tahu bertanya kepada Dia, kenapa harus ada dihadirkan saya disini? Jangan salah kira, saya pun tidak senang lonjak-lonjak kegirangan untuk ada di keadaan dan situasi ini. Sakit hati dan hancurnya saya, hanya saya dan Tuhan yang tahu. Kalian boleh silahkan tetap membenci saya, jika memang anda semua mengira itu yang terbaik.

Tapi saya sih tidak ingin membenci anda semua. 

Justru saya dari awal juga minta maaf kalau sampai menimbulkan kebencian di hati kalian semua. 

Wake Me Up When September Ends 14

16 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

Hari ini Minggu, tepat 2 minggu setelah kita terakhir kali ketemu.

It's a lazy low mood Sunday for me. So I spent most of the day with lying around and sleeping. :) Mostly karena akhir-akhir ini aku kurang tidur.

Pagi dapat kabar mau diajak ke Tawangmangu, karena Mama sudah jalan pergi duluan sama temennya, trus Matthew katanya rewel mau nyusul, jadi Erni ajak aku tapi mereka ke SoloSquare dulu krn ada acara bday temennya Matthew. Tapi setelah aku pikir-pikir, mendingan istirahat aja di rumah. Lagian kalau ikut belum tentu bisa pulang cepet, ga bisa ke gereja :(. 

Anyway, hari ini anjing-anjing mandi (^^)v. Except Puppi, of course. Jadi yang mandi Zorro, Acel, Cleo. Dan dipotongin bulunya juga, dipendek2in. Tapi yang motong ya amatiran. Hesty motongin bulunya Acel & Cleo. Yang motongin bulunya Zorro? Mamaku hehehe..... :p

Hasilnya acak-acakan sih, tapi katanya yang penting pendek deh.

Tapi sedihnya, bulu ekor ikut dipotong (T___T), ekornya Zorro kan bagus panjang kaya kipas. Sekarang kaya pensil bujel deh.

Susah banget deh kalau mau fotoin Zorro. Gerak terus ga bisa diem huh!

Trus ada cerita, tadinya siang Novita mau ke McD cari Happy Meal. Eh dia cerita kalau ada demo jihad lho di Matahari Singosaren, katanya jihad ngambek sama USA, jadi fast-food resto USA, yaitu KFC & McD, disegel tutup. Ckckck.. Ni fotonya aku dapet dari BBM. Ga sampai heboh banget masuk ke berita sih.

Lucu ya.... Nulis ARROGANCE aja ga bisa kok mau sok-sok an demo.

Jadi rame katanya. Tapi sore mungkin sudah selesai yah, aku tetep ke gereja sorenya. Tapi pulang ga lewat sana sih, muter takut kalau masih ada apa-apa. 

Oya tadi di gereja, Pak Andi khotbah lamaaa dan panjaaaang. :)

Banyak yang diomongin sih.

Ada tentang prioritas hidup kita. Bagaimana seringkali Tuhan hanya mendapat waktu-waktu sisa. Tentang bagaimana kita melihat kematian. Tentang bagaimana kita menempatkan pemikiran-pemikiran kita di atas kemauannya Tuhan. :) Banyak mengingatkan tentang yang kamu ajarin ke aku sih. Some times around the sermon, my mind wandered thinking about you. And wondered where you are right now.

Sepulang dari gereja, I was hoping to get to the usual place. Sedikit bermimpi mungkin akan ada keajaiban ada kamu disana. Tapi lalu aku diingatkan, untuk tetap berpegang pada janjimu, kamu akan kembali awal Oktober nanti. Mungkin aku akan sesekali kesana, sekedar mengenangmu, sampai pada akhirnya nanti awal Oktober, aku akan menunggumu disana sampai kamu datang.

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 13

I may make some ppl sad today. For that, I'm sorry, honestly I nvr had any intention it happened. You may not know that I'm heartbroken too.

15 Sept 2012

Dear, boo...

It's hot again today! Bagaimana disana? 

Are you okay...

Sepertinya Solo tidak akan hujan sebelum kamu pulang? :) My guess, he he he he....

I think over some stuffs today. Tentang bagaimana kamu. Aku tidak tahu bagaimana perasaan kamu hari ini. Some day is hard, tergantung dari sebagaimana berartinya hari itu bagi kita. Tapi meskipun hari terasa berat, hari ini aku diingatkan untuk tetap bersyukur. Sekecil apapun berkat yang kita terima, sebesar apapun masalah yang kita alami, hari ini aku diingatkan untuk tetap berterimakasih atas apa yang kita alami.

Sepertinya memang hari ini Tuhan mengingatkan aku untuk itu, :) mungkin setelah akhir-akhir ini aku merasa hidup ini berat banget, apalagi tidak ada kamu disini, aku terus merasa lemah dan aku berdoa untuk meminta kesabaran dan kekuatan. Aku lupa untuk berdoa mengucap syukur atas hidupku. Dan hari ini aku diingatkan untuk itu. Sepanjang hari aku ditempa untuk merasa bahwa terkadang kita tidak menyadari kalau kita selalu dipelihara oleh-Nya. Bahwa sebenarnya banyak orang lain yang ingin memiliki hidup kita juga. Meskipun kita harus selalu berpikir untuk terus maju dan menjadi lebih baik, kita tidak boleh lupa kalau SOMEONE ELSE IS HAPPY WITH LESS THAN WHAT WE HAVE.

I distracted myself from bad thoughts today, by going out with Novita again. Sebelumnya pergi ke area Orient sih untuk COD barang sama pembeli. Rame banget Solo ini sekarang. Jalanan macet susah. Lalu malamnya aku sama Novita & hubby nongkrong di Starbucks ngobrol-ngobrol. At some point, I miss going to my usual place. And I really miss you. My whole world seems different without you, and I don't really like it. I miss your jokes, your smiles, your little tease. I'm scared.

Sudah hampir 2 minggu kamu pergi, dan aku tidak sabar untuk melihat kamu lagi.

Oh ya, sepulang dari pergi, aku biasa browsing-browsing.

Aku lihat ada info Stephen Tong nih. Katanya dia KKR di Washington DC 21-23 Sept. Wow hehehe.... Aku pengen banget kita bisa dateng KKRnya dia. Semoga aku bisa yah ke Surabaya nanti akhir Sept ini.

Mungkinkah aku bisa bertemu kamu disana?

.bie.
PS : No matter how stupid it is, I still love you.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 12

Mazmur 119:71

"Bahwa aku tertindas itu baik bagiku, supaya aku belajar ketetapan-ketetapanMu"

14 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

Pagi ini aku baca salah satu renungan yang bagus.

Renungan:

Tidak seorangpun yang mengharapkan keadaan yang tidak baik & menderita di dalam hidupnya sepanjang waktu. Tetapi ketika Tuhan mengijinkan suatu keadaan yang membuat kita menderita, dan hal itu mendatangkan kebaikan dan lebih mendekatkan kita kepada Tuhan, maka kita boleh berkata bahwa, "tertindas itu baik bagiku."

Ada kalanya manusia harus diperhadapkan pada kondisi yang menyakitkan, sehingga Tuhan bisa menarik mereka untuk mendekat kepadaNya. Sebenarnya kita tidak perlu menunggu agar tertindas atau dililit masalah terlebih dahulu baru mencari Tuhan. Yesaya 55:6 berkata, "Carilah Tuhan selama Ia berkenan ditemui; berserulah kepadaNya selama Ia dekat." 

Kalaupun Tuhan mengijinkan kita tertindas, di dalam ketertindasan itu pun kita dapat belajar tentang kasih Tuhan yang berusaha dengan berbagai cara untuk membawa kita kembali dekat kepadaNya.

~*~

Hari ini aku capek banget. Mungkin gara-gara kurang tidur. Sejak kamu gak ada, aku jadi selalu tidur malem-malem, bangun pagi-pagi. Kurang lebih mungkin tidur kira-kira 4-5 jam. Ga tahu ya, rasanya ga nyaman. Keadaan sekitar juga tidak nyaman. Selalu ada hal yang mengganggu, terutama di rumah.

Tidak ada seorang pun yang bisa membangunku, selain kamu.

I usually feel better when I can talk to you, but now with you're not here, I feel more resentful. 

Mungkin aku sendiri juga sedang dilatih untuk lebih bersabar. Susah banget...... Rasanya sumpek untuk terus berusaha untuk kuat. 

Dan di saat kita merasa lemah, kita harus ingat untuk tetap bersandar kepada Tuhan, ya? That's what you taught me to. :)

Kamu, harus kuat yah. Dimanapun kamu, aku selalu berharap kamu baik-baik aja.

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 11

Doubt thou the stars are fire, 

doubt thou the sun doth move,

doubt truth to be a liar,

but NEVER doubt I love.

- Shakespeare

13 Sept 2012

Dear you,...

It was cold today. Is it also cold in your place? 

Mungkin sebentar lagi sudah akan berubah cuacanya. Dari yang kemarin-kemarin panas kering kerontang, sekarang sudah mulai berangin dan dingin di malam hari. Bahkan hari ini di siang-sore hari, a bit windy. Belum mendung, tapi sejuk. :) I guess rain will come soon. Can I wish you will come soon too?

I feel tired. I guess I hang out a lot lately. I tried, to use this time to distract my mind off you. Tapi apakah salah, jika pada akhirnya aku tetap memikirkan kamu?

Hari ini di kantor, ada teman satu ruangan request untuk diputerin mp3nya Noah, yang Separuh Aku. Dia lagi suka banget jadi minta diputerin over and over again. Crud. Padahal meskipun bagus, and I like it too, that song is one of the songs that can make me cry. I can't listen to the song without imagining I am saying the lyrics to you. 

"dengar laraku,... suara hati ini memanggil namamu...

karena separuh aku menyentuh laramu,.. semua lukamu telah menjadi lirihku..."

Is it really wrong, to still love you.....?

I tried to hold back the tears. Meski terkadang kekuatanku pun ada batasnya, once in a while, sekuat apapun aku menahan, i cry... And today too...

Sore ini, dapat kiriman paket. Misterius. Karena aku lagi belum menantikan adanya paket barang datang dlm waktu dekat, sempat bingung waktu ada satu kantong dikasih ke aku. Dan ternyata aku memang tidak tahu nama pengirimnya. Setelah dibuka, tidak ada petunjuk lainnya juga. Tapi... Sepertinya bolehkah aku mengira kalau ini dari kamu? :)

If it's really you, it really makes me happy.

The thought of you still remembering me, it can brighten my day.

For you will never be my unimportant past. For me, you will always be special.

Malam ini aku ada pergi sebentar ke Paragon... (i know, again?!). Karena ternyata harus ke Carrefour, stock pembalut habis (*hm, TMI). Lalu bareng-bareng sama Novita, and her husband, and one of her kids, dinner bersama di Katsu Tei. Japanese Restaurant baru buka, makan sushi, karena ada promo Buy 1 Get 1 Free.

Kayanya akhir-akhir ini semua promonya Buy 1 Get 1 Free. Starbucks, Sour Sally, Katsu Tei, dan baru aja denger, J.CO juga ada promo Buy 1 Get 1 Free for the drinks. Ini promo tapi kadang bisa jadi jebakan yah hehehee, tapi lumayan donk kalau memang suka.

Kalau boleh jujur, I miss going out with you. So much....

Kusadari meski akhir-akhir ini aku sering keluar bersama family atau friends, deep deep down I wish I was in somewhere else, with you.

By the way, found this picture on Facebook.

LUCU YAAAAA!!! Mau ini? :D

Husky enduuuuuut!!!

And it's chocolate, just like what you always want. :)

PS : I still miss Ruffy. :'(

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 10

Trying not to think about you, only makes me thinking about you more....

12 Sept 2012

Dear, you.... Are you fine today? I miss you so much.. (well, duh, what's new?)

I guess even though people say it is good for me, to have some distance from you is healthy, they never really tell me how to deal with the after-effects. They don't know how to completely erase you from my mind, and my heart. They don't know how hard it is to pretend that I don't care about you. They don't know how heart-breaking it is, to love someone this much and is forced to forget everything. When every little thing reminds me of you. When every road I take reminds me of us. When every spark I feel inside is caused by you.

No... No one can understand that.

Aku tadi lihat anjing lucu lhoooo.... 

Actually, let me start from the beginning. Gak ada hubungannya sih, cuma lebih enak kalau bercerita dari awal aja. Tadi pagi sewaktu aku berangkat ke kerja, hampir kecelakaan lho. Tepanya mobil perusahaan hampir menabrak orang. Ceritanya sih sewaktu di jalanan ring-road, yang pernah kita lewati itu, yang menjadi rute pergi-pulang aku kerja, disana kan memang kendaraannya cepet-cepet semacam jalan tol. Padahal banyak kampung disitu yang tentunya banyak orang-orang desa juga yang memakai jalan itu. Jadi banyak sepeda motor, mobil pribadi, tentunya bis dan truk-truk besar lewat disitu. Bahaya kan kalau sekali ada jatuh. Tadi kejadiannya juga begitu, sepeda motor mau menyalip mobil ke kanan, tapi ragu-ragu, lalu mau ke sebelah kanan, tidak sadar kalau mobil perusahaan (yang aku tumpangi) ada di belakangnya. Mungkin kaget lalu seperti terpeleset jatuh. Untung saja mobil ga jalan terlalu cepat pada waktu itu, kalau cepat bisa kena menabrak deh. Lucky guy.... 

And then, sewaktu masuk ke desa tempat aku kerja itu, inget tidak di sekitar jalanan rumah temen kerjaku yang kita pernah datangin resepsi pernikahannya? Disitu sewaktu mobilku mau lewat, ada satu anjing mau menyeberang, tidak lihat-lihat iiiih.... Hampir aja menabrak lagi. Jangan sampai deh ya. :( sedih deh aku nanti kalau anjingnya tertabrak. Lucky dog...

Suddenly I miss you. Biasanya kalau ada cerita seperti ini, you usually tease me. :) You always say something bad about the dog, seperti tertabrak lah, atau terbunuh lah. Something that you know it will annoy me, but I know you were just teasing me. I miss that. :) 

Tadi di facebook, ga sengaja lihat ada foto satu anjing Husky for Sale. Entah sih harganya berapa, really like it because it looks fat, and of course, reminds me more about you.

is it cute? 

How's Ruffy, by the way? Is she well?

Still fat? Still lovable? :) I miss her....

When I got home, at first there was nothing exciting going on. But later on, I found out that Erni was experimenting to cook Sup Matahari. I was watching, to learn how to do it. Well because I love looking at people cooking. It's like magic. Well yes I know, I'm still learning to cook as well. Tonight I was being reminded, about the times when I cooked for you. It was so exciting to read the recipes, go shopping for the ingredients, and double excitement is when I was cooking, I was hoping that you'd like it. 

Aku masih ada hutang akan masakin kamu lho. Bolu kukus? Wonder when I can finally make it for you. :)

Malam-malam ke Paragon, sama Erni & Matthew. Ke Starbucks. :p Karena aku mau nyobain menu barunya Starbucks. The Sea Salt Caramel Mocha.

This is GOOOOOOOD !! So yummy. Mau coba?

Pernah kebayang minuman pakai garam? Tapi ternyata kombinasi garam dan caramelnya, cocok. Jadi tidak terlalu asin, meskipun at some point kadang asinnya terasa, tapi justru membuat gurih, tidak eneg. Meskipun dengan whipped cream. I will tell more about it on other chances. Kebetulan tadi sewaktu beli, pakai KKBCA ada promo dapat 1 free frappucino, so I got it for Erni. Nongkrong sebentar di Starbucks, bersama Novita & her husband. Pulang sekitar 10.30PM. 

We talked about some possibilities that I can do in my future, just like what I secretly want to share with you, but I don't know. Saddens me though, having this heavy thing on me and can't share it with you :(. I don't know where you are, how you do, what you think. 

Sometimes things don't go as well as we all expected, eh? 

I tried to find things to do all day, so I wouldn't think about you all the time,... But you never left my heart and mind.

Wherever you are, whatever you're up to, I'm hoping you are very well. Believing that you can make it, with God's guidance on you. 

.bie.

(<3)

Wake Me Up When September Ends 09

When we truly love someone, we give our best and let that person see the pureness of our intentions. But sometimes, that person makes us cry and hurts us for the wrong reasons. That someone must have loved us, but he has not loved us enough to make him stand for what he truly felt. Now, we are faced with the seemingly impossible task of forgetting. We have burdened ourselves long enough. But we still can’t get out from this emotional trap.

- Joe D' Mango

11 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

Um.. Where should I begin?

Were you busy today? Did you have any fun today? 

This morning I woke up, my mind went straight thinking about you. I don't know why it keeps happening to me. I am still trying to be patient, waiting for one day I will understand. 

My work went okay. Kinda busy though. Yah begitulah, office-works. Cubicle desk job types. There is almost nothing new. Just some routines that go over and over again every day, every week.

Which is actually, triggered some thoughts in the afternoon, when I got some time talking with Erni. Intinya sih she gave me some advices that are actually pretty good, but comes with heavy emotional burden on me if I actually want to take it. At times like this, I usually have you to discuss things with, which makes me even more sadder today.

Since you left, I have no one to get me going. To get me excited about things. To get me fired up over something. Seems like I have nothing left to wake me up. I'm not saying I am forgetting God. I know, God will still guide me and I believe in Him. I am not worried much as I believe. But it's a totally different thing and it's better when I have you around too, because for me, you make me wanting to be a better person. With myself, and the thoughts of just being with myself, I'm not really ambitious to get more. Is that stupid? 

Wishing so bad I can talk to you right now :'( , bahkan diskusi pun tidak perlu. Hanya mendengar suaramu saja akan menenangkanku :'(.

On a lighter note, funny thing happened this morning. I got a call from unknown number on my mobile, and it was a girl asking for you. Entahlah dia mungkin mau promosi atau mau checking something, katanya sih dari bagian IBIS Hotel , dan mau follow up profilingmu karena pernah check-in sometime in May, I guess they really keep records of their guests. Funny is she thought I am your secretary he he he he..... 

Anyway, ada hal baru nih.. :p I am hunting Happy Meals again (^^)v. Tadi lihat promo McD di Twitter, mainan barunya Doraemon o(^o^)o ! Lucu-lucuuu... Ada 6 jenis mainan, 4 doraemon, 1 dorami, 1 pintu ajaib, but i think i'm just gonna get the doraemon. Dorami juga ga papa sih. :)

I already got 2 tonight. 

CUTE, huh?!?! (^^)

Lucunya, tadinya aku tidak tahu, apa itu fungsi dari kartu-kartu yang ada di dalamnya. Tadinya mungkin kupikir, maybe it's like a collectible card, which I don't really give a damn about it. Tapi setelah kulihat-lihat lagi di bagian belakangnya, sepertinya ada bisa dibikin digabungin jadi satu gambar. 

Well I haven't got the others yet so I don't know what the picture will look like. That if I really care about the card, I truly only care about the Doraemon toys. (^0^) not that I LOVE him so much, (well I like him...) but because the toys look so cute that makes me want to get it. I probably have a glass container one day, to put all my Happy Meals toys together. 

OH YA! I have to tell you about this, aku tadi ke McD ajak biasa, Matthew (my first nephew, if anyone else reading this and doesn't know who the dunk is that) and the gang, which mean his father (my brother) and mother (my sister-in-law, of course, duh?) without the newborn. Karena plan'nya hanya untuk ke McD, I got an idea right before we went out. To bring Zorro with us.

Zorro sudah jarang keluar rumah kan ya. Terakhir kali ya sewaktu aku bawa dia ke tempat biasa kita itu, dan bertemu kamu. Bulan lalu, I think? And of course karena dia memang biasa kita bawa jalan-jalan, he always gets super excited and wants to go out. So, tonight I thought it's okay to bring him. Lagian hanya ke McD sebentar. Things went great on the way there. Zorro could sit quietly, looking out the windows. Barked few times to a becak-rider. Looking around. Tapi sewaktu sudah sampai ke McD, dan aku mau bawa dia, entahlah dia merasa seperti ketakutan. Turun dari mobil, dia anxious. Seperti kebingungan, tidak mau dibawa kemana-mana, cemas, menggonggong ke orang sekitar. Tadi sekitar 8.30 jadi masih agak banyak orang. Karena dia benar-benar ga mau aku bawa tarik, akhirnya ya udah aku putuskan untuk dia stay di dalam mobil aja. Kenapa ya dia begitu, padahal kalau dibawa di siang hari, dia biasa aja. Mungkin karena dia belum terbiasa keluar di malam hari ya? Gelap kan, so he might be scared. 

It's good though, he could wait patiently in the car, such a good boy, so I shared a burger and a flurry icecream with him. :)

~^~

I got this BM this morning, and I also want to share it with you, because I thought it might be good for both of us.

" Sebuah perahu dibuat untuk berada di tengah lautan, bukan hanya diam di dermaga.

Demikian juga manusia diciptakan untuk mengarungi kehidupan, bukan berdiam dan menunggu kehidupan ini berakhir.

Di dalam mengarungi kehidupan, akan banyak ombak dan badai yang akan dihadapi, tapi disitulah inti seni dari kehidupan. Terus kembangkan layar dan nikmati perjalanan hingga sampai tujuan.

Jangan takut salah, apalagi untuk hal yang kita yakini benar. Karena setiap kesalahan pun adalah bagian dari proses pembentukan. Indahnya kehidupan bukan dari banyaknya kesenangan, tapi pada semampunya kita untuk bersyukur.

BERKAT adalah saat kita kuat dalam keadaan putus asa dan tetap bersyukur saat tak punya apa-apa.

Bisa tetap tersenyum saat diremehkan.

Bisa tetap sabar meski berat.

Bisa tetap setia meski ditinggalkan.

Bisa tetap damai tatkala situasi sulit. "

Keep praying, God will guide us all.

Miss you...

.bie.