Wake Me Up When September Ends 12

Mazmur 119:71

"Bahwa aku tertindas itu baik bagiku, supaya aku belajar ketetapan-ketetapanMu"

14 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

Pagi ini aku baca salah satu renungan yang bagus.

Renungan:

Tidak seorangpun yang mengharapkan keadaan yang tidak baik & menderita di dalam hidupnya sepanjang waktu. Tetapi ketika Tuhan mengijinkan suatu keadaan yang membuat kita menderita, dan hal itu mendatangkan kebaikan dan lebih mendekatkan kita kepada Tuhan, maka kita boleh berkata bahwa, "tertindas itu baik bagiku."

Ada kalanya manusia harus diperhadapkan pada kondisi yang menyakitkan, sehingga Tuhan bisa menarik mereka untuk mendekat kepadaNya. Sebenarnya kita tidak perlu menunggu agar tertindas atau dililit masalah terlebih dahulu baru mencari Tuhan. Yesaya 55:6 berkata, "Carilah Tuhan selama Ia berkenan ditemui; berserulah kepadaNya selama Ia dekat." 

Kalaupun Tuhan mengijinkan kita tertindas, di dalam ketertindasan itu pun kita dapat belajar tentang kasih Tuhan yang berusaha dengan berbagai cara untuk membawa kita kembali dekat kepadaNya.

~*~

Hari ini aku capek banget. Mungkin gara-gara kurang tidur. Sejak kamu gak ada, aku jadi selalu tidur malem-malem, bangun pagi-pagi. Kurang lebih mungkin tidur kira-kira 4-5 jam. Ga tahu ya, rasanya ga nyaman. Keadaan sekitar juga tidak nyaman. Selalu ada hal yang mengganggu, terutama di rumah.

Tidak ada seorang pun yang bisa membangunku, selain kamu.

I usually feel better when I can talk to you, but now with you're not here, I feel more resentful. 

Mungkin aku sendiri juga sedang dilatih untuk lebih bersabar. Susah banget...... Rasanya sumpek untuk terus berusaha untuk kuat. 

Dan di saat kita merasa lemah, kita harus ingat untuk tetap bersandar kepada Tuhan, ya? That's what you taught me to. :)

Kamu, harus kuat yah. Dimanapun kamu, aku selalu berharap kamu baik-baik aja.

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 11

Doubt thou the stars are fire, 

doubt thou the sun doth move,

doubt truth to be a liar,

but NEVER doubt I love.

- Shakespeare

13 Sept 2012

Dear you,...

It was cold today. Is it also cold in your place? 

Mungkin sebentar lagi sudah akan berubah cuacanya. Dari yang kemarin-kemarin panas kering kerontang, sekarang sudah mulai berangin dan dingin di malam hari. Bahkan hari ini di siang-sore hari, a bit windy. Belum mendung, tapi sejuk. :) I guess rain will come soon. Can I wish you will come soon too?

I feel tired. I guess I hang out a lot lately. I tried, to use this time to distract my mind off you. Tapi apakah salah, jika pada akhirnya aku tetap memikirkan kamu?

Hari ini di kantor, ada teman satu ruangan request untuk diputerin mp3nya Noah, yang Separuh Aku. Dia lagi suka banget jadi minta diputerin over and over again. Crud. Padahal meskipun bagus, and I like it too, that song is one of the songs that can make me cry. I can't listen to the song without imagining I am saying the lyrics to you. 

"dengar laraku,... suara hati ini memanggil namamu...

karena separuh aku menyentuh laramu,.. semua lukamu telah menjadi lirihku..."

Is it really wrong, to still love you.....?

I tried to hold back the tears. Meski terkadang kekuatanku pun ada batasnya, once in a while, sekuat apapun aku menahan, i cry... And today too...

Sore ini, dapat kiriman paket. Misterius. Karena aku lagi belum menantikan adanya paket barang datang dlm waktu dekat, sempat bingung waktu ada satu kantong dikasih ke aku. Dan ternyata aku memang tidak tahu nama pengirimnya. Setelah dibuka, tidak ada petunjuk lainnya juga. Tapi... Sepertinya bolehkah aku mengira kalau ini dari kamu? :)

If it's really you, it really makes me happy.

The thought of you still remembering me, it can brighten my day.

For you will never be my unimportant past. For me, you will always be special.

Malam ini aku ada pergi sebentar ke Paragon... (i know, again?!). Karena ternyata harus ke Carrefour, stock pembalut habis (*hm, TMI). Lalu bareng-bareng sama Novita, and her husband, and one of her kids, dinner bersama di Katsu Tei. Japanese Restaurant baru buka, makan sushi, karena ada promo Buy 1 Get 1 Free.

Kayanya akhir-akhir ini semua promonya Buy 1 Get 1 Free. Starbucks, Sour Sally, Katsu Tei, dan baru aja denger, J.CO juga ada promo Buy 1 Get 1 Free for the drinks. Ini promo tapi kadang bisa jadi jebakan yah hehehee, tapi lumayan donk kalau memang suka.

Kalau boleh jujur, I miss going out with you. So much....

Kusadari meski akhir-akhir ini aku sering keluar bersama family atau friends, deep deep down I wish I was in somewhere else, with you.

By the way, found this picture on Facebook.

LUCU YAAAAA!!! Mau ini? :D

Husky enduuuuuut!!!

And it's chocolate, just like what you always want. :)

PS : I still miss Ruffy. :'(

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 10

Trying not to think about you, only makes me thinking about you more....

12 Sept 2012

Dear, you.... Are you fine today? I miss you so much.. (well, duh, what's new?)

I guess even though people say it is good for me, to have some distance from you is healthy, they never really tell me how to deal with the after-effects. They don't know how to completely erase you from my mind, and my heart. They don't know how hard it is to pretend that I don't care about you. They don't know how heart-breaking it is, to love someone this much and is forced to forget everything. When every little thing reminds me of you. When every road I take reminds me of us. When every spark I feel inside is caused by you.

No... No one can understand that.

Aku tadi lihat anjing lucu lhoooo.... 

Actually, let me start from the beginning. Gak ada hubungannya sih, cuma lebih enak kalau bercerita dari awal aja. Tadi pagi sewaktu aku berangkat ke kerja, hampir kecelakaan lho. Tepanya mobil perusahaan hampir menabrak orang. Ceritanya sih sewaktu di jalanan ring-road, yang pernah kita lewati itu, yang menjadi rute pergi-pulang aku kerja, disana kan memang kendaraannya cepet-cepet semacam jalan tol. Padahal banyak kampung disitu yang tentunya banyak orang-orang desa juga yang memakai jalan itu. Jadi banyak sepeda motor, mobil pribadi, tentunya bis dan truk-truk besar lewat disitu. Bahaya kan kalau sekali ada jatuh. Tadi kejadiannya juga begitu, sepeda motor mau menyalip mobil ke kanan, tapi ragu-ragu, lalu mau ke sebelah kanan, tidak sadar kalau mobil perusahaan (yang aku tumpangi) ada di belakangnya. Mungkin kaget lalu seperti terpeleset jatuh. Untung saja mobil ga jalan terlalu cepat pada waktu itu, kalau cepat bisa kena menabrak deh. Lucky guy.... 

And then, sewaktu masuk ke desa tempat aku kerja itu, inget tidak di sekitar jalanan rumah temen kerjaku yang kita pernah datangin resepsi pernikahannya? Disitu sewaktu mobilku mau lewat, ada satu anjing mau menyeberang, tidak lihat-lihat iiiih.... Hampir aja menabrak lagi. Jangan sampai deh ya. :( sedih deh aku nanti kalau anjingnya tertabrak. Lucky dog...

Suddenly I miss you. Biasanya kalau ada cerita seperti ini, you usually tease me. :) You always say something bad about the dog, seperti tertabrak lah, atau terbunuh lah. Something that you know it will annoy me, but I know you were just teasing me. I miss that. :) 

Tadi di facebook, ga sengaja lihat ada foto satu anjing Husky for Sale. Entah sih harganya berapa, really like it because it looks fat, and of course, reminds me more about you.

is it cute? 

How's Ruffy, by the way? Is she well?

Still fat? Still lovable? :) I miss her....

When I got home, at first there was nothing exciting going on. But later on, I found out that Erni was experimenting to cook Sup Matahari. I was watching, to learn how to do it. Well because I love looking at people cooking. It's like magic. Well yes I know, I'm still learning to cook as well. Tonight I was being reminded, about the times when I cooked for you. It was so exciting to read the recipes, go shopping for the ingredients, and double excitement is when I was cooking, I was hoping that you'd like it. 

Aku masih ada hutang akan masakin kamu lho. Bolu kukus? Wonder when I can finally make it for you. :)

Malam-malam ke Paragon, sama Erni & Matthew. Ke Starbucks. :p Karena aku mau nyobain menu barunya Starbucks. The Sea Salt Caramel Mocha.

This is GOOOOOOOD !! So yummy. Mau coba?

Pernah kebayang minuman pakai garam? Tapi ternyata kombinasi garam dan caramelnya, cocok. Jadi tidak terlalu asin, meskipun at some point kadang asinnya terasa, tapi justru membuat gurih, tidak eneg. Meskipun dengan whipped cream. I will tell more about it on other chances. Kebetulan tadi sewaktu beli, pakai KKBCA ada promo dapat 1 free frappucino, so I got it for Erni. Nongkrong sebentar di Starbucks, bersama Novita & her husband. Pulang sekitar 10.30PM. 

We talked about some possibilities that I can do in my future, just like what I secretly want to share with you, but I don't know. Saddens me though, having this heavy thing on me and can't share it with you :(. I don't know where you are, how you do, what you think. 

Sometimes things don't go as well as we all expected, eh? 

I tried to find things to do all day, so I wouldn't think about you all the time,... But you never left my heart and mind.

Wherever you are, whatever you're up to, I'm hoping you are very well. Believing that you can make it, with God's guidance on you. 

.bie.

(<3)

Wake Me Up When September Ends 09

When we truly love someone, we give our best and let that person see the pureness of our intentions. But sometimes, that person makes us cry and hurts us for the wrong reasons. That someone must have loved us, but he has not loved us enough to make him stand for what he truly felt. Now, we are faced with the seemingly impossible task of forgetting. We have burdened ourselves long enough. But we still can’t get out from this emotional trap.

- Joe D' Mango

11 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

Um.. Where should I begin?

Were you busy today? Did you have any fun today? 

This morning I woke up, my mind went straight thinking about you. I don't know why it keeps happening to me. I am still trying to be patient, waiting for one day I will understand. 

My work went okay. Kinda busy though. Yah begitulah, office-works. Cubicle desk job types. There is almost nothing new. Just some routines that go over and over again every day, every week.

Which is actually, triggered some thoughts in the afternoon, when I got some time talking with Erni. Intinya sih she gave me some advices that are actually pretty good, but comes with heavy emotional burden on me if I actually want to take it. At times like this, I usually have you to discuss things with, which makes me even more sadder today.

Since you left, I have no one to get me going. To get me excited about things. To get me fired up over something. Seems like I have nothing left to wake me up. I'm not saying I am forgetting God. I know, God will still guide me and I believe in Him. I am not worried much as I believe. But it's a totally different thing and it's better when I have you around too, because for me, you make me wanting to be a better person. With myself, and the thoughts of just being with myself, I'm not really ambitious to get more. Is that stupid? 

Wishing so bad I can talk to you right now :'( , bahkan diskusi pun tidak perlu. Hanya mendengar suaramu saja akan menenangkanku :'(.

On a lighter note, funny thing happened this morning. I got a call from unknown number on my mobile, and it was a girl asking for you. Entahlah dia mungkin mau promosi atau mau checking something, katanya sih dari bagian IBIS Hotel , dan mau follow up profilingmu karena pernah check-in sometime in May, I guess they really keep records of their guests. Funny is she thought I am your secretary he he he he..... 

Anyway, ada hal baru nih.. :p I am hunting Happy Meals again (^^)v. Tadi lihat promo McD di Twitter, mainan barunya Doraemon o(^o^)o ! Lucu-lucuuu... Ada 6 jenis mainan, 4 doraemon, 1 dorami, 1 pintu ajaib, but i think i'm just gonna get the doraemon. Dorami juga ga papa sih. :)

I already got 2 tonight. 

CUTE, huh?!?! (^^)

Lucunya, tadinya aku tidak tahu, apa itu fungsi dari kartu-kartu yang ada di dalamnya. Tadinya mungkin kupikir, maybe it's like a collectible card, which I don't really give a damn about it. Tapi setelah kulihat-lihat lagi di bagian belakangnya, sepertinya ada bisa dibikin digabungin jadi satu gambar. 

Well I haven't got the others yet so I don't know what the picture will look like. That if I really care about the card, I truly only care about the Doraemon toys. (^0^) not that I LOVE him so much, (well I like him...) but because the toys look so cute that makes me want to get it. I probably have a glass container one day, to put all my Happy Meals toys together. 

OH YA! I have to tell you about this, aku tadi ke McD ajak biasa, Matthew (my first nephew, if anyone else reading this and doesn't know who the dunk is that) and the gang, which mean his father (my brother) and mother (my sister-in-law, of course, duh?) without the newborn. Karena plan'nya hanya untuk ke McD, I got an idea right before we went out. To bring Zorro with us.

Zorro sudah jarang keluar rumah kan ya. Terakhir kali ya sewaktu aku bawa dia ke tempat biasa kita itu, dan bertemu kamu. Bulan lalu, I think? And of course karena dia memang biasa kita bawa jalan-jalan, he always gets super excited and wants to go out. So, tonight I thought it's okay to bring him. Lagian hanya ke McD sebentar. Things went great on the way there. Zorro could sit quietly, looking out the windows. Barked few times to a becak-rider. Looking around. Tapi sewaktu sudah sampai ke McD, dan aku mau bawa dia, entahlah dia merasa seperti ketakutan. Turun dari mobil, dia anxious. Seperti kebingungan, tidak mau dibawa kemana-mana, cemas, menggonggong ke orang sekitar. Tadi sekitar 8.30 jadi masih agak banyak orang. Karena dia benar-benar ga mau aku bawa tarik, akhirnya ya udah aku putuskan untuk dia stay di dalam mobil aja. Kenapa ya dia begitu, padahal kalau dibawa di siang hari, dia biasa aja. Mungkin karena dia belum terbiasa keluar di malam hari ya? Gelap kan, so he might be scared. 

It's good though, he could wait patiently in the car, such a good boy, so I shared a burger and a flurry icecream with him. :)

~^~

I got this BM this morning, and I also want to share it with you, because I thought it might be good for both of us.

" Sebuah perahu dibuat untuk berada di tengah lautan, bukan hanya diam di dermaga.

Demikian juga manusia diciptakan untuk mengarungi kehidupan, bukan berdiam dan menunggu kehidupan ini berakhir.

Di dalam mengarungi kehidupan, akan banyak ombak dan badai yang akan dihadapi, tapi disitulah inti seni dari kehidupan. Terus kembangkan layar dan nikmati perjalanan hingga sampai tujuan.

Jangan takut salah, apalagi untuk hal yang kita yakini benar. Karena setiap kesalahan pun adalah bagian dari proses pembentukan. Indahnya kehidupan bukan dari banyaknya kesenangan, tapi pada semampunya kita untuk bersyukur.

BERKAT adalah saat kita kuat dalam keadaan putus asa dan tetap bersyukur saat tak punya apa-apa.

Bisa tetap tersenyum saat diremehkan.

Bisa tetap sabar meski berat.

Bisa tetap setia meski ditinggalkan.

Bisa tetap damai tatkala situasi sulit. "

Keep praying, God will guide us all.

Miss you...

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 08

When you really miss someone, you miss the little things the most, like just laughing together.

- @damnitstrue

10 Sept 2012

Dear, you... How are you?

I'm so low and cranky today :(. Entah kenapa ada perasaan ga enak sejak pagi. 

I miss you... Of course. Feeling a bit uneasy, physically and mentally. Guess I'm a bit tired of my daily things. And with you not around, just makes it worse. 

Aku pun ga ingin manja kok, :) hanya saja memang lebih bersemangat jika ada kamu.

So, after work, I only planned to go out for a bit. Aku gak jadi datang nonton ke pertunjukan Matah Ati itu, even though I do get free ticket from Helmina. Figures I don't have any mood left to go there, karena akan sampai sekitar jam 10 malam pertunjukannya selesai, dan dengan jalanan ramai, mungkin akan lama sampai ke rumah. I chose not to go in the end. Jadi malam ini, around 7 PM, I went to the petshop. Beli dogfood untuk anak-anak. :)

Akhir-akhir ini anak-anak lebih sering aku beliin dogfood daging. One of the reasons is actually, to prevent going to that petshop. Jujur, rute perjalanan ke petshop itu, mengingatkanku pada kamu. Tapi memang kita tidak bisa selalu lari dari apa yang harus kita hadapi. Minggu lalu, ketika dogfood daging habis, di Hypermart juga sedang kosong. Jadi tidak ada pilihan lain selain memang harus ke petshop.

Menyusuri jalanan di malam hari, remembering what we always used to do back then. Ketika kita masih bisa pergi bersama, driving around the city, looking for somewhere to eat, listening to the music on the radio, spending time together. Every little thing in this city reminds me of you. How can I move on? I feel so lonely tonight.

Aku tadi beli Acana buat Zorro, ada juga Acana Lamb&Apple, entah ini mungkin baru, belum aku check. Kalau buat yang lain, aku beli satu bag besar yang isi 3.5kg itu, ProSeries. Sama beli mainan tali baru buat gigit-gigitan. Sama dog treats, beli 2 pack.

Ruffy makan apa, ya... Kamu tahu?

I miss Ruffy...

Kalau di rumahku, 4 ekor anjing bikin suasana ribut terus. Yes, because they love me too much, all of them are following me anywhere. Kemarin aku coba untuk foto bersama. Ternyata susah banget mengatur beberapa anjing untuk foto bersama (-___-). 

HELLO! Woof~~

My heart still aches, every time I think about you... 

Whatever happen to us, you'll always have a place in my heart.

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 07

Terkadang kamu tak menyadari betapa berartinya seseorang dalam hidupmu hingga mereka meninggalkanmu, dan kamu merindukannya. 

- @pepatah

09 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

Sehat hari ini? Sibuk? Beribadah? :)

Aku datang ke kebaktian pagi tadi, Kebaktian HUT GRII. Did you go to any church today?

I asked about you to Martin too, dan tentang KPIN Surabaya nanti yang aku pernah bicarakan ke kamu itu. Tidak terlalu lama sih omong-omongnya, cuma sekedar bertanya jika dia tahu cara pergi ke lokasinya, dan dia trnyt juga tidak tahu. Yah nanti deh dilihat apakah aku benar-benar bisa kesana hehehe.. Buta jalan gini. 

He said you should be fine, katanya kamu SMSan sama dia, dan barusan nanya tentang website streaming kebaktian GRII itu. So I think you followed how it was going? :)

Luar biasa yah, kebaktiannya. Kebaktiannya bagus, acaranya bagus, pesannya bagus. Lama lagi :D, dari jam 09AM-almost 01PM, Lia aja cerita ke aku malamnya kalau pantatnya sampai ga enak buat duduk soalnya lama banget haha... Kamu bilang kamu akan jadi translator'nya Pak Tong? Mana... :D ?

Oh ya, hari ini berjalan sebagai adalah hari jalan-jalan buat aku. Unplanned and unexpected sih sebenarnya. Actually I was only going to go to Solo Square after the church, to buy some dog food, I almost ran out of it. Then go home, and stay at home doing my many many many many homeworks. But then during the service, Henny BBMed me, asking me to join her and her friend for lunch, di restoran Cabe dekat rumahnya. Kupikir yah tidak ada salahnya makan siang. Ternyata dia waktu tahu aku mau ke Solo Square, dia juga mau ikut :D. Yah hasilnya sih yang tadinya mau kesana hanya untuk belanja di Hypermart sebentar, malah jadi acara jalan-jalan bersama sampai sore hari. By the way, the exciting thing I bought today was a Magnum Gold ice cream. :p Pada penasaran saja, kaya gimana sih, promonya kan cantik keren banget. Tadi nemu di Hypermart ada. Jadi beli satu coba. :)

Jadi begitu ternyata Magnum Gold :). Lebih kaya Magnum Yellow, ya? Hehehe... Mungkin itu sebabnya namanya "Magnum Gold?!". It's like saying, "is it really gold?" :p. Lumayan sih, worth it for Rp.11.000,- Seperti Magnum pada umumnya, lapisan cokelatnya tebal, dan disini rasanya lebih ke white chocolate, vanilla ice cream nya ada rasa caramel, juga creamy, bikin kenyang sih kalau makan ini. 

While we went shopping, Lia BBMed me, asking me to go to Paragon later. Well I was actually tired, my feet was a bit sore already, and I'm a bit sleepy, cuma ya sudahlah nanggung sekalian karena Lia sudah pernah kan ajak jalan, cuma dulu aku gak bisa. So after I went home at 6PM from Square, I took a shower and then got ready again to walk to Paragon. Capeeeeek. Tapi lumayan sih, I met up with some people. Had dinner together, and then was actually planning to go home on 9PM, but turned out all of the people in my home went to Square so I had to wait for them to be home before I could go home. Selagi menunggu, aku ke Starbucks dgn Novita and her husband.

Then I went home on 10.30PM... Lalu setelah beberes, I wrote this letter :).

Terkesan sibuk sih. Dari pagi 08.30 keluar rumah sampai 10.30 malam.

That doesn't mean I didn't miss you today. I still miss you. A lot. I still think about you. A lot.

Pepatah bilang, Terkadang kamu tak menyadari betapa berartinya seseorang dalam hidupmu hingga mereka meninggalkanmu, dan kamu merindukannya. Well, ya benar. Tapi aku pun sudah tahu kalau kamu begitu berarti, sejak pertama kita bertemu. Hingga sampai saat ini.

Going out tonight, I realized, it's different. I used to go out with you. The two of us. And they were many happy memories. I never wanted those times to end. Tiap kali kita bersama selalu membawa senyum di hidupku. Memang tidak selalu sih, terkadang aku pulang dengan tangisan sesudahnya, but I did smile because of you.

Real smiles. Real happiness. Real comfort. Real me. And only you who can see it through and bring it out.

Bukan sesuatu yang dipaksakan.

And that is of course,... only one of the many many reasons why I do love and miss you.

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 06

We all fall in love, and there are times that we love so much that we lose ourselves in our own emotions. More often than not, we wonder why there are love that grows and love that grows cold. We would start to search for answers, and try to find where love has gone wrong. But in the end, we find ourselves where we started. We cannot question love when it has its own reasons. Love will always be as it always has been. Silent. Mysterious. And deeply profound.

- Joe D' Mango

Let us remember that the more we try to forget someone we love, the more painful letting go will become. Sometimes, we never have to take that person out in our hearts at all, for he will always be there no matter how hard we try to drive him away. It isn’t his presence that makes this difficult but it is our stubbornness to accept our destiny that aligns forgetting next to impossible. We keep a cold face, but deep in our hearts, there still that lingering hope for a reconciliation. Somehow, we still believe that we can rekindle small embers and relight the fire that once burned in our hearts.

- Joe D' Mango

08 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

How are you today?

It's the sixth day since you left, and to be honest, it's still hard to go through for me.

I miss you so much. It may not mean much for anyone, maybe even for you, but I do.

I am scared.... I couldn't sleep last night. I guess I only slept for 4 hours.... Maybe I think too much, I was wondering for a long time about you.

Aku tahu, kamu sedang melangkah ke jalan yang lebih baik lagi. Ke kehidupan yang aku percaya, baik adanya. Waktu yang kamu gunakan saat ini, akan membuatmu lebih dewasa dalam hidup, yang menempa kamu menjadi orang yang jauh lebih baik.

Hanya... Aku tidak tahu, dan tidak bisa tahu, apakah aku akan ada disana? Di masa depanmu. Apakah kamu masih akan membawaku kesana? Ataukah aku hanya menjadi sekeping masa lalumu yang tak berarti.... Dan kita akan menjadi orang asing.

Ya,... kita memang tidak bisa memastikan apa yang akan terjadi di masa depan. Semua merupakan rancangan kedaulatan Tuhan, dan kepasrahan dan ketundukan kita kepada-Nya lah yang terpenting. Hanya saja, I can't deny that it hurts... So much.. If you really are going to see me only as your past. 

I know.. I nag too much about this. Aku sering bertanya kepadamu, tentang kita. Tentang kamu. Karena memang, jika kamu tidak mengupayakan adanya aku di masa depanmu, aku tidak akan bisa ada disana.

Aku tidak pernah tahu, untuk apa kamu dihadirkan di dalam hidupku. All I know is, dari kamu, dari mencintai kamu, aku belajar banyak hal. You are the best I ever had, no doubt about it. And I won't deny what I know, I am just wondering, if it's really not meant to be, why does it still hurt so much?

Kuharap aku masih bisa kuat, karena hari ini aku tidak.

I cried again today.... Mungkin akumulasi dari perasaan yang ditahan terus-menerus sampai akhirnya tidak bisa tertahankan lagi.

All I can do is wait, for God will tell me why soon.

Malam ini aku kesana. Ke tempat itu. Mencoba untuk mengenang perasaan bahagia itu, ketika kita ada disana.  Our memories will always last, at least in my heart. Everyone won't know what I feel. But I know it is real. 

I am scared... because I'm feeling like I am rebuilding the old walls. Tembok-tembok yang kubangun perlahan dari kepahitan. Tembok yang dulu kamu hancurkan ketika kamu mencariku. Dan memberiku apa yang selama ini aku cari. 

Dan aku takut, dengan sekarang kamu tidak ada, tembok itu kembali. Dan aku takut, ketika nanti kamu kembali, kita tidak akan sama seperti yang dulu. Mungkin kita bisa menjadi asing. Canggung, karena kita sudah terpisah.

Tetapi, jika memang ini untuk membimbingmu, menjadikanmu orang yang lebih baik lagi dari hari ke hari, aku akan bersabar mengenangmu. Dan hanya mengenangmu.

Besok hari Minggu.... Seperti kita tahu, kebaktian pagi ya untuk besok disini, tidak seperti biasanya di sore hari. Kamu?

Tetap pergi ke gereja ya besok, dimanapun kamu berada. 

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 05

In a relationship we treasure, the hardest thing is to do is saying goodbye and setting someone free. For every last embrace, a part of us dies. Every tear drop that falls washes away our hope. Then, we are left with nothing but pain and bitter memories because we have lost love but never knew how and will probably never know why.

- Joe D' Mango

07 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

How are you? Were you busy today?

Disini panas. Gak sampai yang extreme sih, tapi memang panas sumpek. Cerah. Sunny. Lagi-lagi tidak ada tanda-tanda akan hujan :p.

Hari ini, aku dapat album Sabrina yang terbaru. Lumayan lho. Yang menarik, ternyata di dalam albumnya ada beberapa track bertuliskan Joe D' Mango. Siapa itu? Dan track yang ada di album Sabrina itu, ternyata bukan nyanyian atau featuring with Sabrina, tapi lebih seperti poem reading. Well not really. More like lectures. Of beautiful words. Of life. Of love....

Penasaran, aku googling tentang dia. Ternyata dia adalah penyiar radio, TV host, dari Phillipines, tapi lebih terkenal sebagai penyiar radio sepertinya. Karena yang kutemukan adalah banyaknya quotes dari dia. Apparently there, he is some kind of love & relationship guru, giving away advices on the radio show called Lovenotes. And after i read around, he is actually pretty good. 

Well maybe guys won't like something like this, hal-hal cinta yang menye-menye, romantic, blahblah, but really, he is good. :D

I may post and copy paste quotes from him from time to time, from now....

Anyway, have you heard, about Matah Ati ?

Aku udah sering denger beberapa minggu terakhir ini, di radio, di twitter, etc. Apparently it's some kind of theater show, I think. Pertunjukan theater kolosal, tarian, tradisional. Itu yang kudapat dari gambar-gambar, review, video yang aku dapat. Sepertinya mereka pertunjukan yang terkenal, katanya sih artis-artis, seniman, orang-orang pintar berkelas gitu deh audience nya. Tapi mereka baru akan tampil di Solo weekend ini. I am just curious actually. Not really wanting to go, as I never watched something like this before. But actually, I can get a free ticket. Somehow katanya Helmina bisa ada tiket gratis atau gimana and yesterday she was asking me whether I want to see it or not, and she asked to borrow my identification card, because that's how we can get the ticket. (Harus ambil formulir dulu dll lalu akan ditukarkan dengan tiket pada hari H-nya, I think so. Kinda like a concert show, huh?). Dan tadi siang, Hesty sih BBM aku, katanya sih bisa dapat tiketnya, tapi nonton berdua dengan Helmina sepertinya. Really? Have I told you that the show is in Mangkunegaran? Jangan bayangkan indoor, karena ternyata outdoor di LAPANGAN. Dan katanya karena dapatnya di barisan depan, sepertinya akan lesehan duduknya. Bener-bener kaya konser ya hehehe. But maybe the classy tipe of concert. I don't know.... Should I go? It's tomorrow night.... I kinda plan to go to Goela, I've been missing it. I didn't go there since you gone, sedikit takut I wouldn't stop crying. 

I guess we'll see how tomorrow will go......

Malam ini aku pergi keluar. Sendirian. :( Hehehe... Totally missing the times we used to have. I used to pick you and we would be driving around the city. You'd be the driver , of course. :) Entahlah tadi sewaktu menyetir, aku bener-bener teringat kamu. Mungkin karena tadi malam itu Solo RAME BANGET jalannya, Banyak kendaraan, Solo seperti berubah jadi Bandung. Anyway, aku tadi sebenarnya mau iseng ke EXPO IT pameran yang di DSCC itu, harus beli cooling fan untuk laptop yang baru sih, karena yang aku pakai untuk di rumah kabelnya putus. Jadi mumpung ada pameran itu, meskipun sebenarnya rada malas juga sih sama ramenya, tapi ya udahlah coba kesana, dan ternyata memang bener. Ramenya ga kuat. Cari parkir aja susah banget. Sempet terpikir untuk delay aja coba datang besok siang, karena siang mungkin tidak seramai malam. Tapi nanggung sudah mau sampai dan juga ditunggu Henny ( dia ternyata ada jaga stand disana, katanya BII salah satu sponsor expo itu jadi ada set-up stand juga ). She can let me in for free. :p 

my splurge of the day :p

Oh ya, hampir lupa cerita. Tadi aku juga ada kesempatan bercerita-cerita sama Erni. Sambil lalu cerita macam-macam, ada sekilas membicarakan tentang rencana keinginan membuka usaha. Yah saling bercerita dan tukar pikiran dan menghitung-hitung gitu deh tentang usaha.  Tentunya akhir-akhir ini, dan untuk seterusnya, itu yang kamu alami ya. Aku seperti diberitahu, rasanya menjadi kamu, walau cuma sedikit. Tentunya aku tidak benar-benar bisa merasakan bagaimana menjadi kamu. But I am glad, I can found out even though just for a bit. Banyak ide-ide yang menarik sih yang tadi kami discuss. Maybe when I can see you, I can tell you more about it.

Besok kamu mau ngapain? :) Rest yang cukup ya, makan juga dijaga.

Selalu ingat untuk order NO VETSIN! for you :). Sekarang aku tidak ada lagi orang yang bisa kuingatkan seperti itu *sniff*.

Jangan lupa juga ya, untuk selalu bersyukur atas berkat-Nya.

Hari ini aku lumayan ada sedikit berkat, dari olshop. Kita harus selalu bersyukur, dan ingat kalau kita selalu dipelihara oleh Tuhan, ya.

Pray, though it may not mean much, at least we will get one inch closer to Him.

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends #04

Tahukah kamu, apa sebenarnya itu cokelat?

Cokelat itu, .... identik dengan rasa manis, enak, membahagiakan.

Faktanya, cokelat yang sesungguhnya, rasanya cenderung pahit.

Cokelat yang manis, jika diteliti, kandungan cokelatnya bisa dibilang hanya sedikit. Yang menjadikan enak, mungkin dari banyaknya gula, susu, pemanis, dll. 

Sugar-coating the bitterness of the chocolate.

Cinta itu,... seperti cokelat.

Terbungkus oleh kepalsuan kenikmatan, yang membuat kita berpikir, cinta itu hal yang indah.

Meskipun sesungguhnya, cinta itu pahit.

06 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

Hari ini, hari ke-empat kamu pergi. How are you?

Are you okay? Healthy? Well-fed? :)

Hari ini, disini sempat mendung lho. Yah tidak mendung sampai gelap hingga diprediksi hujan sih. Hanya sedikit lebih sejuk, jika dibandingkan dengan hari-hari kemarin. Tidak ada hujan, lagi. :) Prediksimu benar-benar melenceng jauh dari perkiraan, hehehe....

Has it finally rained in your place for now?

By the way, I think I am gonna get you a foot cream. :p

Kebetulan tadi, sewaktu di kantor, sempat lihat-lihat katalog punya rekan kerja, yang ada pekerjaan sampingan. Sewaktu sampai di bagian perawatan kaki, aku teringat kamu. 

Ya, aku tidak berpura-pura sewaktu aku terlihat jengkel ketika kamu terkadang hangout with me, sambil mengelupasi kulit tumit kakimu yang mengering. Uugh... Risih!

Kamu tahu sendiri, aku suka memakai lotion, dan tentunya seringkali aku mengingatkan kamu untuk memakai juga. Apakah kamu bawa body lotion saat ini? Please, use it. I warn you grrrr.  Buat apa aku belikan kamu kalau kamu jarang pakai.... ? :p

So, supaya lain kali kamu tidak punya tumit kaki yang kering lagi (i know, meskipun kamu bilang terkadang enak melakukan pengelupasan itu (-__-"), tapi kalau kelamaan kan sakit, ya kan?) , I am gonna get you a foot cream. And I beg you to use it.

Something compulsive inside me just don't feel right, if you keep doing it.

I haven't decided yet, product mana yang akan kupilihkan untuk kamu. Masih ada waktu sebelum kamu pulang, anyway. :) Meskipun jujur , I really really wish you'd come home real soon. :(

Did you have fun today?

I was actually planning to go out tonight, to my 'happy place'. Tapi sewaktu pulang kerja, I didn't have the right mood to go out. I don't know... A bit tired and bored today, I even almost didn't do anything at work. I changed my plan to rest a bit, thinking about you :), well... hang out a bit with the people here, in the house.

I was actually planning to use the rest of the evening to do the tasks that you gave to me before you leaving. But... Something came up. :p

I am sorry :p I will definitely do my homework soon. *elus-elus....*

Jadi, Erni tadi iseng-iseng tanya ke aku, apakah aku sudah pernah mencoba Sour Sally di Solo Paragon Mall itu? Aku memang belum pernah kesana. Biasanya aku kesana hanya untuk belanja di Carrefour, atau ke Starbucks. Lalu aku teringat, sekarang masih dalam promo, kalau membeli dengan KK BCA, ada promo buy 1 get 1 free. (ya, seperti promo Starbucks yang kemarin ini). Meskipun ada sih promo yang lain dari KK BCA, seperti FREE UPSIZE for the frozen yoghurt, or Buy 2 Get 3 for the Smoothies. Tapi yang menarik Erni ya promo yang Buy 1 Get 1 Free, dan dia mengajak aku untuk kesana, secara dia sendiri juga belum pernah mencicipi Sour Sally. Wiii.. Kepo Udik banget ya kami ini? :p 

I don't care... I don't really dig yoghurts anyway. I prefer ice-creams. Or donuts. Or coffee.... *drools*

.....

...

......

Ah so anyway, we went to Solo Paragon, to get the Sour Sally. Ada aku, Erni, Simon, Matthew. Jalan kaki, tentu saja. Matthew rewel banget minta mau belanja, belanja, belanja. Belanja ke Carrefour maksudnya. Ditanya, mau beli apa? Katanya mau beli roti. Padahal sih, sebenarnya dia tidak terlalu peduli dengan mau belanja apa. Dia cuma mau mainan mobil-mobilan trolleynya Carrefour. 

Sour Sally lumayan tadi, banyak yang membeli. Sempat antri sebentar. Bingung juga mau membelinya, as we never had this before. But eventually, Erni decided to get this :

Enjoy the picture ya! Hehehe.. 

Sehabis beli, kami masih jalan-jalan sebentar sih. Yaaah... Ke Carrefour. Ada anak yang rewel minta mau kesana sih. Sambil melihat-lihat juga. Finally we went home on almost 10 PM. And can you guess who greeted us in the door? :)

Our Zorro. 

Apparently he's been waiting there since we left. :) And that's what I love from him. He's so loving and loyal, he always waits for me to come home. Seringkali, dari cerita Bu Sum, kalau aku sedang pergi keluar rumah, Zorro sering menunggu di garasi. And he always gets so excited when I am finally home. :)

You probably laugh if you know what happen when I am back from work.

Aku sudah cerita kamu yah, kalau aku berangkat ke kantor, sampai aku pulang di sore hari, biasanya Zorro sering ada di lantai atas. Entahlah dia ngapain disana. Seringkali sih dia tidur. Spending most of the times sleeping. Because sure, 10 hours of waiting for me to go home is boring. And when I come home, aku sering kali ke dapur, dan teriak memanggil dia. Lalu kamu bisa bayangkan, adegan selanjutnya adalah seperti di film-film lebay Bollywood.

Zorro berlari-lari di lantai atas lalu menuruni tangga belakang sampai separuh lalu berhenti. Lalu dia menatap ke dalam dapur. Menatap. Serius. Ini beneran. Menatap aku. Kurang lebih biasanya ada lah selama 10 detik. Seperti tidak percaya, is that person really my master?! 

Lalu setelah dia dengan yakin, IT IS REALLY MY MASTER! dia berlari lagi menuruni separuh tangga itu, lari dengan kencang sambil goyang-goyang ekor, tertawa lebar, menerkam menyambut aku. Seperti adegan romantis ya. And it happens EVERY DAY.

Yah kadang kalau pas aku juga lagi rada kumat, aku juga seperti sinetron sih, teriak lebay Zorrooooo sambil merentangkan tangan siap untuk memeluk dia. *halah*

You gave me... an amazing birthday gift. :p

So.. How about you? 

Adakah hal yang membuatmu senang hari ini? :)

Tiap hari, jangan putus asa ya. Karena kamu tidak diciptakan untuk itu. Aku percaya, kamu untuk kehidupan yang lebih baik lagi.

Good night, sleep tight, sweet dream. :)

PS : i DO miss your hug and kisses......

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends #03

All of the people around me (including you..) tell me, I should move on. I have to move on.

But what they (including you..) don't realize is, 

moving on is not an easy thing to do, when what I left behind was actually better than what I am having and feeling right now. And it was truly the times, I felt happy....

05 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

How are you today? Did you have a good day?

Mine was fine. Agak gak mood sih, entah kenapa. Cliche jika aku bilang karena memikirkan kamu hehehehe... But I won't lie, I do think about you :).

I tried to distract my mind off you (again..with no luck whatsoever), with online games, browsing the internet, the twitters, reading blogs, etc. 

And from twitter, @CosmoIndonesia tweeted one thing ; about sharing the best gift we ever got. Caranya cukup share ke Cosmo hadiah anniversary apa yang pernah si dia kasih untuk Anda! Jangan lupa sertakan #CosmoQuizdi akhir tweet Anda. What they said... Funny my mind went straight to you (pfft as if I didn't think about you all the time..).

My best gift I ever got, and I do mean the best, of all the gifts I ever got, (well of course being alive and healthy was the best gift because it's from God, but we're talking about gifts from people here..) is of course, 

a puppy named Zorro, that you gave to me for my birthday gift last year

Truly. Cute. Puppy.

Which is now has grown into a rather big, energetic, loving, loyal, rather spoiled dog. *kisses* :-*

Do you still remember how we got him? :)

You were actually planning to give me a Siberian Husky puppy ( . . you do like this breed so much, don't you?), you were browsing the internet for it. Sadly we couldn't find one that fits us so ... Same as how I got Ruffy ( how is she now, by the way? I miss her... :( ) for you the year before, you took me out of town and we went to an animal market on Sunday in Yogyakarta. They were selling various animals, from common animals like birds, chickens, etc. To the most exotic animals like monkeys, bats, owls. Do you remember the owl that turned its head and kept looking at you wherever you go ? :)

A funny thing I remember is, you already set your eyes on Zorro from the first time we got there. But because I know you like Siberian Husky so much, I was actually looking for that breed. So you'd love it too. My eyes went to the crossbred of Husky X Retriever (what the seller said, although it kinda looked like a brown mini Husky) . 

But apparently, you fell in love at first sight with Zorro. You kept coming back to where he was. :) Then after a loooong discussion, you decided to buy Zorro for me. Yay! \(^^)/

And to be honest, I truly love it. He turned out to be a very nice pet to have, although he does sometimes annoy me so much when he's super excited.

And that's what I want to tell you about today.

I spent the times tonight with staying home. He was happy to know I stayed home. 

Dari sejak aku pulang, sampai jam makan malam, dia nempel terus. Mu dipeluk, dielus-elus. Cuddling surely works for him, he loves it so much.

But well you know him too... Dia adalah anjing yang amat sangat aktif, apalagi jika ada teman bermain, and of course what he is doing next was running around the house, berkejar-kejaran dengan Cleo, guling-gulingan, berisik!

So I forced them to go outside, ke taman belakang hehehe. I didn't allow them to come in, before they tire themselves of playing.

Do you miss him?

He does miss you, FYI.... 

How would I know? :)

Terkadang, t-shirt kamu yang ada di sini (yang aku selalu minta pinjam dari kamu, for sniffing purpose... Because I won't lie, it's a nice feeling when I miss you so much then I can "smell" you.) , kan aku pasang di guling, Zorro kadang datang ketika mau tidur dan he sniffed it too before bed.

Haha I know it sounds ridiculous, it doesn't always happen everyday. Or maybe he smelled something weird from your t-shirt :p.

But we both do miss you. :)

I wish we can do our picnic thing again someday... Remember?

Before, on Sundays, kita selalu janjian untuk makan siang, dan terkadang aku beli makanan, lalu jemput kamu, dan terkadang kita bawa Ruffy / Zorro, bahkan pernah keduanya (!), lalu sedikit ke luar kota, untuk jalan-jalan sebentar.

The memories.....

So many good and happy memories, seems impossible for me to ever move on from you....

So... How did you do today? Did you do anything good?

Did you find great food there?

Wherever you are, chemungud yah !! \(^0^).

Segala pencapaian & prestasi, besar maupun kecil, tak mungkin dicapai tanpa adanya upaya berpikir & kerja keras.Semua kesuksesan pastinya butuh proses yang tak mudah, bahkan mungkin tak sebentar.Namun percayalah, segala upaya itu akan mengarah pada hasil yang luar biasa. 

Keep praying, and reading the Bible.

Ku percaya, Tuhan bimbing jalanmu.

We will also pray for you from here. 

.bie.

Letters For You Project : Wake Me Up When September Ends #02

Tuesday, 04 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

Hari kedua kamu pergi. Masih sedikit tidak percaya waktu aku bangun tadi pagi, sedikit berharap kalau ini hanya mimpi. 

Aku masih terus memikirkan kamu, apakah kamu baik-baik saja?

Hari ini normal. Berjalan seperti Selasa yang biasanya. Aku gak terlalu semangat di kantor, ngantuk banget. Mungkin karena semalam tidurku terganggu terus. Ga nyaman rasanya. Meskipun of course, I was holding your t-shirt tight, trying to remember how you used to hold me, I still feel uneasy. I fell asleep, clutching my phone in my hand. Entahlah, mungkin aku yang terlalu bermimpi berharap tiba-tiba kamu SMS saying Good Night as usual. :) Setiap kali terbangun, kucheck Blackberryku.

Well, nothing.

It's okay. You are having your own time. Although I do kinda wish you still think about me.

Malam ini aku ke Starbucks lagi. :p Hehehe.... 

Ah ga papa ya, kan kamu juga ada bilang kalau aku bosan ketika ga ada kamu, bisa salah satunya kesana. Do you have the tumbler I got for you, with you?

I got your fave drink. Ice Chocochip Cream Frappucino, with whipped cream. Ya kamu memang gak suka whipped cream, but I do, weks.

Masih ingat beberapa hari yang lalu, when we enjoyed the drinks together? We were watching CSI in my car. Have you finished watching the rest of the dvds I got you? 

Oh ya.. Today's the 4th Sept!

Hayoooo... Remember your bet?

Few days ago, you bet me, that it would rain on the 4th.

Kamu, yang kadang suka ngasal ngaku-ngaku sebagai dewa hujan ;), yakin banget bilang kalau tanggal 4 Sept pasti hujan. Waktu itu sepertinya kita sedang membahas kenapa tidak segera hujan di Solo, padahal panas banget cuacanya. Kamu bilang, kalau dewa hujannya belum bilang hujan, ya gak akan hujan. :D

Aku udah lock jawabanmu yah pada hari itu, pokoknya tidak akan hujan sebelum tanggal 4, dan tanggal 4 pasti ada hujan.

Well... Your prediction is wrong, nyahahaha. Waktu aku tulis post ini, sudah hampir tengah malam, dan seharian tidak ada sama sekali setitik air hujan ada di kota ini. :D

Ah... I wish I can taunt you directly face-to-face. :( 

Did it rain in your place right now?

I got a new Blackberry charger tonight.

Remember, beberapa hari yang lalu, aku cerita ke kamu kalau charger Blackberryku kabelnya hampir putus? Well you did recommend, gak usah beli baru dulu, mahal. Pakai Powerbank dulu. I did, for few days.

Tapi ya tetap harus beli charger sih, masa pakai Powerbank terus? Tonight, my brother got me a new one, dan lucu nih, he got me International Charger. Jadi punya 3 macam colokan. *facepalm* Kenapa dia gak mencarikan yang khusus buat bisa dipakai disini aja ya, kan yang 2 jenis colokan lainnya ga kepakai, secara sekarang aku sudah tidak bepergian ke luar negeri lagi?

Malam ini juga, ada hal mengesalkan yang terjadi di rumahku. Ah well... You know it already that I live in crazy house :). Kamu kapan pulang yaaa.. *sigh* I really wish I can talk to you and share things with you.

So, how's your day?

I hope it's fine. 

Tetap percaya dan ikuti jalan dari-Nya ya, seperti yang kamu ajarkan ke aku. :)

Mungkin kamu sudah tidur, waktu aku selesai menulis ini?

Sleep well, my dear... Semangat untuk hari esokmu. I will write for you again tomorrow. :)

.bie.

Letters For You Project : Wake Me Up When September Ends #01

" .... as my memory rests, but never forgets what I lost, wake me up when September ends ... "

Monday, 03 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

Pagi ini kamu pergi. Setengah tidak percaya sebenarnya, ketika benar-benar terjadi. Pagi ini pun, ketika kamu berpamitan lagi, ada sedikit penyangkalan di pikiranku yang tidak mau ini terjadi.

Mungkin karena kamu kasih tahu aku secara mendadak. Baru semalam kamu bercerita, di tempat yang biasa itu, kalau kamu mau pergi. Ke luar kota. Dan tidak ada yang benar-benar tahu kamu ada dimana. Dan kamu bilang tidak membuka komunikasi juga ke orang lain.

Jahat! You know I always think about you, and you tell me this and expect me to be fine? Uuugh...

10 AM - It's only been one hour since you left, and I miss you already.

But okay. If it's really what you want, and it's better for you, I respect and support you. Wherever you are right now, please be alright.

And I will wait, untuk janjimu, to be back here next month. I will count the days, and write you letters every night, in case you want to know about little things in here without you around.

Seharian ini, aku merasa seperti hampa. Semua yang berkaitan dengan kamu, tiba-tiba tidak ada. Aneh. I have special ringtones set for you, FYI. Nada SMS dan ringtone yang khusus, yang aku bisa langsung tahu kalau itu dari kamu. Dan sekarang, tiba-tiba Blackberry ku menjadi sepi. Tidak ada lagi nada itu. Padahal biasanya sering aku mendengar nada itu. 

I tried to find many things to do, to stop myself of thinking about you, but it doesn't work. Even during in the middle of something, I still think of you. 

I am not worried. Well.. Not too much, just a little. Aku percaya, kamu bisa menjaga diri. I just miss you and wonder where you are. What you do. 

So... Whatever it is you're doing, wherever you are right now, please be fine.

Jaga kesehatan, jangan lupa makan ya. Hati-hati dengan migrain yang sering kamu dapat juga.

I will, wait for you...

.bie.

the confession

I don't know exactly the appropriate way to write this confession.
The stuffs I'm about to confess here happened in the past few months.
I tried many times to write them at the time, but apparently just today is the time I'm finally ready.
Even right now I'm staring at my screen for a while, it's not easy to find the right words to describe them. *sigh*


I guess I have to begin from when I was still in Melbourne. About my education.
There's a situation with my university, I've failed enough subjects last year for my department to consider excluding me from my major.
Eventhough I finally did well in the next semester, apparently they have reached a decision that it may not be enough, seeing as I also had failing history in the previous year.
I understand that I did mistakes, not everyone can comprehend my condition, maybe it seems stupid for some people of course, to be weaken and distracted by depression.
Help did come from student representatives, there were letters, an appeal, investigations, rejected appeal, some claims, more investigations, all things made me couldn't sit exams in last year's semester.
I was already sentenced as discontinued from my major.
The process went long, it took months.
Charles did order me to apply for another university, to prevent my visa to be canceled. I admit I did not take it seriously.
In the end, the appeal process didn't come through, I couldn't continue to study in the same major in my uni, I would have to re-apply for another similar major with different major code.
Or another university.
At that time, it was all already too late, the new semester's already begun, so eventually I had to decide to go back home.
I feared that my visa's been canceled. He went back home too.

About our relationship, as I mentioned in previous post, we're over. Kinda.
I know I finally decided to ask to break up, such a long process. The post I wrote before was actually about this.
It includes the lie he told me about that other girl, that he no longer had anything with her, that they broke up, and no longer communicated regularly, although sometimes I did find out he called her. I was sad to know that,
but I know I shouldn't ask much, I wanted to see whether he can realized what he did to us. He told me she and his friend became a couple. It was a lie, that at that time I chose not to look through.
The end of 2008, he decided to travel overseas again.
One day she actually called his mobile that he gave me while he was away,
looking for him, saying that they never broke up. I asked what she was doing calling him again, believing that they were really separated, she of course said it wasn't true. She even said that I was the one who should realize that she was better than me, saying something such as she had something that I didn't, that made him go out with her.
I was furious of course, I asked them directly, I called his number in overseas, he still said that nothing she said was true, and I said I had enough. I couldn't stand feeling I was accused as the third person, when it was supposed to be her.
I kinda always know that he would cheat. He said it many many many times. I was devastated of course, but I let it go. I realized I am no special for him, so I am prepared. I told him many times, when finally he got another girl, I just want to know the truth. Don't lie.
It's not about the cheating, that made me furious.
So when I heard from her again, it was over. But I was still in contact with him, seeing as he's overseas and I was already taking care of his stuffs while he's away, I couldn't just leave them. He acted as if nothing happened.
January 2009, one day she messaged me again, asking about me and him, whether we're still together or not, I told her to ask him directly, a bait that I actually set up, since he constantly told me that he didn't see her again.
But apparently it's obviously another lie, he did see her again when he's in Jakarta. She asked me whether I ever being asked to marry him, apparently he asked her. He told me later that it was just bullshit, and he was just playing with her.
But like before, it's not about the cheating, it's his lying. He was playing with both of us. He told her that he's not serious with me, and viceversa.
Ah well, in short, we did break up. 1st of February.
Apparently that girl broke up with him too, knowing I was still with him.
But I'm not gonna lie, I still loved him. I know it's stupid, no need to remind me, but I can't lie. When he came back to Melbourne, 2nd of March, I still spent my days with him.

So the story went to how he decided to go back home, at that time he was dealing with some business plan, and apparently I did too, as at that time it was too late for me to enroll to a new semester. My education's ended.
29th of March, we went home to Indonesia. Jakarta via Denpasar. I wanted to go home straight to Solo afterward, but because we had overweight baggage and we shared our stuffs in our bags, I couldn't just leave as there were my stuffs in his bag and his stuffs in mine,
and there was no way to open them in the airport because his family already at the front gate picking him up,
so eventually I had to come with him to his house. And also my cargo was sent under his name too, so I needed to make sure first they got there.
Me and him actually were not in good term at that time, we fought the day before so we were bitter to each other.
But well, as usual, it's as if nothing happened the next day.
I stayed in Jakarta, with his family, for about a week. Even though I'm not really sure I was being welcomed or not, they didn't ask me anything.
He took care of his business plan, that later was canceled.
To make it short, I just went home to Solo a week later, and he also came with me. Yes he did come and stay in my place, he did mention want to do sightseeing, so I offered him.
When he stayed in my place, officially we didn't have a relationship status.
I still care for him, and slowly I began to let him go.

When I came home, I still have some hope. Hoping that one day I can continue my education, browsing through alternative schools, picturing some stuffs I'd like to do such as looking for business plan, or taking some time break to learn new things.
But I didn't realize I did big mistakes at that time. Bringing him to my place turned out to be nightmare.
It is very well-known that I don't get along with my mom well. Apparently he talked to my mom about me. I can't precisely blame him. I know I did make mistake not telling my mom that I'm failing. Apparently he wants me to go all out.
Even until now, I'm still wondering, whether it was a good intention or not.
Oh I need to mention that there's money involved. I saved some money from my allowances before, that I could save some money my mom sent me the last 3 months, because I got enough money from my summer job.
AU$5000.
Before we went home, he asked me to use that money for "us" to do business, I find it's not appropriate as we're no longer a couple,
and he has his own money, double as much as mine, he just doesn't want to spend it. He wants to do business, I know that, but with my capital. I understand actually I can do it, we talked about my rights, and eventually it would become my business, not his,
with all assets under my name, but I was still doubtful because it felt weird to make any deal with him again, we had nothing more, right?
Because I didn't want to be used up again, I said I couldn't give that money to him, and I said I need to give it back to my mom.
When I reached home, and feeling that my relationship with my mom was indeed so bad, it's hard to fix, I didn't mention anything about that money. I felt I couldn't stay like that, and was thinking to go back to school. He didn't agree.
Apparently he felt I lied to him, and he told my mom. 'Bout everything. My school, my habit, my attitude, our relationship, how he felt about me, my money...
Nothing was good. My mom of course wanted an explanation for why I failed, and the cause of my depression, and as I wasn't ready to tell her, he threatened me to give the money back or he'd tell my mom about the cause of my depression.
So I lost the money.
It's funny as eventually my mom did find out from another source, so if I was brave enough to confess at that time, maybe I still have that money, hahaha..
It was some time later after that. He stayed for almost a week, and after that I was kinda lost.
I only had few money, not really talking with my mom, because it really hurts me to discuss anything with her, and the strain in my family was getting bigger and bigger.
At that time I was still hanging out with my 2nd brother, my sister in law, and my baby nephew. But it was usual for me for not talking with my mom.
Later, there was news from my 1st bro that he wanted to come home. And was asking for ticket money from my mom.
He said the usual BS about how he'd changed, blablablabla.. and as usual, my mom has soft spot for him, no matter how bad he was, we all know that eventually my mom would give everything he asked for.
It's hard for me to discuss about this, there was actually an obvious dysfunctional relationships in my family.

I never trusted my 1st bro. Witnessing all of his actions, it's hard for me to believe that he'd actually changed.
He also lied to my mom big time. Many times too.

The secret is actually he was already married, underhanded, with native poor widow with one child, and they had another daughter. My mom knew about it and didn't accept it of course, feeling that that woman's not suitable, bad woman.
Eventually my bro told her, that he left his family, and my mom sent him to US to keep them away.
He always told her that he didn't send any money to that woman again.
But we're the siblings know, that it's a big lie.
Sometimes he even asked me or my 2nd brother to give some money to his family, when he couldn't get enough money.
We didn't mind actually. We know that it really was his responsibility to takecareof his daughter, which is also our niece.

But in return?
When he asked to come back few months ago, he denied everything.
Even accusing me and my 2nd bro for being guilty to send money to his wife. Saying that it's his wife that asked for it, he knows nothing about it.
And he denied the fact that he was too sometimes asking for money from us.

Since that day, I don't see him as my brother anymore.
I'm really sorry for the fallout, but I can't help it. Because he's not only lying again to my mom, he's turning the blame to us, his siblings who have been helping him.
And, the final straw for me was when he single-handedly told my mom about my first abortion. He sold me out.
I don't care to see whether he's now really changed or not. I've had enough.

And my mom didn't help. Knowing that there was falling out between his first son and the rest of her kids, she chose to stick with her first son.
I was clearly showing that I don't care about him, and don't want to talk to him. My 2nd bro's not that extreme. He still sees my 1st bro as brother, and don't mind hanging out together, but only feel awkward if they meet as they
don't have anything in common and to talk about.
As I recall, my mom said that if we didn't talk to her first son, then she wouldn't talk to us either.

So it was nearly end of April, that I reached my boiling point. I was thinking to leave home.
I couldn't stand the condition in my home, with me not going along with my mom, her dislike over me, adding my dislike of 1st bro, I decided it was time to leave.
I contacted some of my friend.
And the story goes this way...
I was still in contact with him. I never hold grudge on anyone, eventhough it's obvious I should stay away from him, at that time he's responded to my plea first.
He said yes,he would help.
I was desperately looking for someone to help me to find a place and a job out of here.
I didn't care to live at his hometown, planning that after I got settled, obviously I couldn't really got involved with him anymore.
He warned me that it'd be a difficult life, for I was never in a difficult situation, money-wise, but I already thought about it. I was really preparing to leave all my comforts in my home,
all I thought about was I had to get out of here. So I started my plan. He started asking for rented room, and jobs from his friend. I observed the activities in my home, thinking the best time to leave.
It's not sudden, it took about 2 weeks from initial talking 'til the actual action. I needed to think all of it through first, from how I'd get out, how I'd buy tickets, how much money left, etc.
Eventually I managed to purchase an airline ticket to Jakarta, with help of my other friend.
He prepared my ticket to his hometown with his travel agent, apparently it was cheaper if I buy it in Jakarta, than in Solo. Weird.. Same flight, same date, same time. But different price.

I was really looking forward to go, even though it was heartbreaking to leave too, 'cause I love my 2nd brother, my sister in law, and I really love my baby nephew.
And so the day was approaching, I prepared everything I could think of. Selecting my wardrobe collection was not an easy job.


Anyway...... everything seems to be in order. I was planned to leave Solo on 7th of May to Jakarta, and then the next day to Tarakan. Tickets are bought and booked. Baggage was ready.
But somehow I got a hunch. Somehow I got to think that if I want to do it, I would have to be really sure there's nothing flawed in my plan.
And I don't know how it happened, somehow I got an urge to take some tests.




Out of nowhere, 2 days before my departure, I asked my friend to get me self-pregnancy test.......

tomat kembar siam ?

PS: Apologize for bad picture, it was taken by mobile phone, since I don't have my digicam with me at the moment.


This is one weird discovery.


Found yesterday morning (Feb 13th 2009), by my co-worker Joanne, when she was doing her duty cutting the tomatoes.







Come to think of it, it does look more like an ass :D.






And here's the asshole! (0__0)

closure

“You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.”


- Curious Case of Benjamin Button



I know life is not a fairytale.

For the past weeks, I've been hurt, I've been lied to, betrayed. Again.
One situation that really made me furious.

I yelled. I cursed. I cried.
Even though I knew it wouldn't change anything.
Like the quote said, eventually I have to let it go.

I realized I am an idiot. I still feel sad for missing something that's been hurting me badly.

Now I can only hope, in the future, we're all gonna be okay.
And looking back at this time with smile, knowing we've learned something out of it.

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I just LOVE this commercial !!!


Do I have to say why?

They're big ! They're fat ! They're FLUFFY !!
And they're running all around city..

Awww... so adorable..