Wake Me Up When September Ends 06

We all fall in love, and there are times that we love so much that we lose ourselves in our own emotions. More often than not, we wonder why there are love that grows and love that grows cold. We would start to search for answers, and try to find where love has gone wrong. But in the end, we find ourselves where we started. We cannot question love when it has its own reasons. Love will always be as it always has been. Silent. Mysterious. And deeply profound.

- Joe D' Mango

Let us remember that the more we try to forget someone we love, the more painful letting go will become. Sometimes, we never have to take that person out in our hearts at all, for he will always be there no matter how hard we try to drive him away. It isn’t his presence that makes this difficult but it is our stubbornness to accept our destiny that aligns forgetting next to impossible. We keep a cold face, but deep in our hearts, there still that lingering hope for a reconciliation. Somehow, we still believe that we can rekindle small embers and relight the fire that once burned in our hearts.

- Joe D' Mango

08 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

How are you today?

It's the sixth day since you left, and to be honest, it's still hard to go through for me.

I miss you so much. It may not mean much for anyone, maybe even for you, but I do.

I am scared.... I couldn't sleep last night. I guess I only slept for 4 hours.... Maybe I think too much, I was wondering for a long time about you.

Aku tahu, kamu sedang melangkah ke jalan yang lebih baik lagi. Ke kehidupan yang aku percaya, baik adanya. Waktu yang kamu gunakan saat ini, akan membuatmu lebih dewasa dalam hidup, yang menempa kamu menjadi orang yang jauh lebih baik.

Hanya... Aku tidak tahu, dan tidak bisa tahu, apakah aku akan ada disana? Di masa depanmu. Apakah kamu masih akan membawaku kesana? Ataukah aku hanya menjadi sekeping masa lalumu yang tak berarti.... Dan kita akan menjadi orang asing.

Ya,... kita memang tidak bisa memastikan apa yang akan terjadi di masa depan. Semua merupakan rancangan kedaulatan Tuhan, dan kepasrahan dan ketundukan kita kepada-Nya lah yang terpenting. Hanya saja, I can't deny that it hurts... So much.. If you really are going to see me only as your past. 

I know.. I nag too much about this. Aku sering bertanya kepadamu, tentang kita. Tentang kamu. Karena memang, jika kamu tidak mengupayakan adanya aku di masa depanmu, aku tidak akan bisa ada disana.

Aku tidak pernah tahu, untuk apa kamu dihadirkan di dalam hidupku. All I know is, dari kamu, dari mencintai kamu, aku belajar banyak hal. You are the best I ever had, no doubt about it. And I won't deny what I know, I am just wondering, if it's really not meant to be, why does it still hurt so much?

Kuharap aku masih bisa kuat, karena hari ini aku tidak.

I cried again today.... Mungkin akumulasi dari perasaan yang ditahan terus-menerus sampai akhirnya tidak bisa tertahankan lagi.

All I can do is wait, for God will tell me why soon.

Malam ini aku kesana. Ke tempat itu. Mencoba untuk mengenang perasaan bahagia itu, ketika kita ada disana.  Our memories will always last, at least in my heart. Everyone won't know what I feel. But I know it is real. 

I am scared... because I'm feeling like I am rebuilding the old walls. Tembok-tembok yang kubangun perlahan dari kepahitan. Tembok yang dulu kamu hancurkan ketika kamu mencariku. Dan memberiku apa yang selama ini aku cari. 

Dan aku takut, dengan sekarang kamu tidak ada, tembok itu kembali. Dan aku takut, ketika nanti kamu kembali, kita tidak akan sama seperti yang dulu. Mungkin kita bisa menjadi asing. Canggung, karena kita sudah terpisah.

Tetapi, jika memang ini untuk membimbingmu, menjadikanmu orang yang lebih baik lagi dari hari ke hari, aku akan bersabar mengenangmu. Dan hanya mengenangmu.

Besok hari Minggu.... Seperti kita tahu, kebaktian pagi ya untuk besok disini, tidak seperti biasanya di sore hari. Kamu?

Tetap pergi ke gereja ya besok, dimanapun kamu berada. 

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 05

In a relationship we treasure, the hardest thing is to do is saying goodbye and setting someone free. For every last embrace, a part of us dies. Every tear drop that falls washes away our hope. Then, we are left with nothing but pain and bitter memories because we have lost love but never knew how and will probably never know why.

- Joe D' Mango

07 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

How are you? Were you busy today?

Disini panas. Gak sampai yang extreme sih, tapi memang panas sumpek. Cerah. Sunny. Lagi-lagi tidak ada tanda-tanda akan hujan :p.

Hari ini, aku dapat album Sabrina yang terbaru. Lumayan lho. Yang menarik, ternyata di dalam albumnya ada beberapa track bertuliskan Joe D' Mango. Siapa itu? Dan track yang ada di album Sabrina itu, ternyata bukan nyanyian atau featuring with Sabrina, tapi lebih seperti poem reading. Well not really. More like lectures. Of beautiful words. Of life. Of love....

Penasaran, aku googling tentang dia. Ternyata dia adalah penyiar radio, TV host, dari Phillipines, tapi lebih terkenal sebagai penyiar radio sepertinya. Karena yang kutemukan adalah banyaknya quotes dari dia. Apparently there, he is some kind of love & relationship guru, giving away advices on the radio show called Lovenotes. And after i read around, he is actually pretty good. 

Well maybe guys won't like something like this, hal-hal cinta yang menye-menye, romantic, blahblah, but really, he is good. :D

I may post and copy paste quotes from him from time to time, from now....

Anyway, have you heard, about Matah Ati ?

Aku udah sering denger beberapa minggu terakhir ini, di radio, di twitter, etc. Apparently it's some kind of theater show, I think. Pertunjukan theater kolosal, tarian, tradisional. Itu yang kudapat dari gambar-gambar, review, video yang aku dapat. Sepertinya mereka pertunjukan yang terkenal, katanya sih artis-artis, seniman, orang-orang pintar berkelas gitu deh audience nya. Tapi mereka baru akan tampil di Solo weekend ini. I am just curious actually. Not really wanting to go, as I never watched something like this before. But actually, I can get a free ticket. Somehow katanya Helmina bisa ada tiket gratis atau gimana and yesterday she was asking me whether I want to see it or not, and she asked to borrow my identification card, because that's how we can get the ticket. (Harus ambil formulir dulu dll lalu akan ditukarkan dengan tiket pada hari H-nya, I think so. Kinda like a concert show, huh?). Dan tadi siang, Hesty sih BBM aku, katanya sih bisa dapat tiketnya, tapi nonton berdua dengan Helmina sepertinya. Really? Have I told you that the show is in Mangkunegaran? Jangan bayangkan indoor, karena ternyata outdoor di LAPANGAN. Dan katanya karena dapatnya di barisan depan, sepertinya akan lesehan duduknya. Bener-bener kaya konser ya hehehe. But maybe the classy tipe of concert. I don't know.... Should I go? It's tomorrow night.... I kinda plan to go to Goela, I've been missing it. I didn't go there since you gone, sedikit takut I wouldn't stop crying. 

I guess we'll see how tomorrow will go......

Malam ini aku pergi keluar. Sendirian. :( Hehehe... Totally missing the times we used to have. I used to pick you and we would be driving around the city. You'd be the driver , of course. :) Entahlah tadi sewaktu menyetir, aku bener-bener teringat kamu. Mungkin karena tadi malam itu Solo RAME BANGET jalannya, Banyak kendaraan, Solo seperti berubah jadi Bandung. Anyway, aku tadi sebenarnya mau iseng ke EXPO IT pameran yang di DSCC itu, harus beli cooling fan untuk laptop yang baru sih, karena yang aku pakai untuk di rumah kabelnya putus. Jadi mumpung ada pameran itu, meskipun sebenarnya rada malas juga sih sama ramenya, tapi ya udahlah coba kesana, dan ternyata memang bener. Ramenya ga kuat. Cari parkir aja susah banget. Sempet terpikir untuk delay aja coba datang besok siang, karena siang mungkin tidak seramai malam. Tapi nanggung sudah mau sampai dan juga ditunggu Henny ( dia ternyata ada jaga stand disana, katanya BII salah satu sponsor expo itu jadi ada set-up stand juga ). She can let me in for free. :p 

my splurge of the day :p

Oh ya, hampir lupa cerita. Tadi aku juga ada kesempatan bercerita-cerita sama Erni. Sambil lalu cerita macam-macam, ada sekilas membicarakan tentang rencana keinginan membuka usaha. Yah saling bercerita dan tukar pikiran dan menghitung-hitung gitu deh tentang usaha.  Tentunya akhir-akhir ini, dan untuk seterusnya, itu yang kamu alami ya. Aku seperti diberitahu, rasanya menjadi kamu, walau cuma sedikit. Tentunya aku tidak benar-benar bisa merasakan bagaimana menjadi kamu. But I am glad, I can found out even though just for a bit. Banyak ide-ide yang menarik sih yang tadi kami discuss. Maybe when I can see you, I can tell you more about it.

Besok kamu mau ngapain? :) Rest yang cukup ya, makan juga dijaga.

Selalu ingat untuk order NO VETSIN! for you :). Sekarang aku tidak ada lagi orang yang bisa kuingatkan seperti itu *sniff*.

Jangan lupa juga ya, untuk selalu bersyukur atas berkat-Nya.

Hari ini aku lumayan ada sedikit berkat, dari olshop. Kita harus selalu bersyukur, dan ingat kalau kita selalu dipelihara oleh Tuhan, ya.

Pray, though it may not mean much, at least we will get one inch closer to Him.

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends #04

Tahukah kamu, apa sebenarnya itu cokelat?

Cokelat itu, .... identik dengan rasa manis, enak, membahagiakan.

Faktanya, cokelat yang sesungguhnya, rasanya cenderung pahit.

Cokelat yang manis, jika diteliti, kandungan cokelatnya bisa dibilang hanya sedikit. Yang menjadikan enak, mungkin dari banyaknya gula, susu, pemanis, dll. 

Sugar-coating the bitterness of the chocolate.

Cinta itu,... seperti cokelat.

Terbungkus oleh kepalsuan kenikmatan, yang membuat kita berpikir, cinta itu hal yang indah.

Meskipun sesungguhnya, cinta itu pahit.

06 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

Hari ini, hari ke-empat kamu pergi. How are you?

Are you okay? Healthy? Well-fed? :)

Hari ini, disini sempat mendung lho. Yah tidak mendung sampai gelap hingga diprediksi hujan sih. Hanya sedikit lebih sejuk, jika dibandingkan dengan hari-hari kemarin. Tidak ada hujan, lagi. :) Prediksimu benar-benar melenceng jauh dari perkiraan, hehehe....

Has it finally rained in your place for now?

By the way, I think I am gonna get you a foot cream. :p

Kebetulan tadi, sewaktu di kantor, sempat lihat-lihat katalog punya rekan kerja, yang ada pekerjaan sampingan. Sewaktu sampai di bagian perawatan kaki, aku teringat kamu. 

Ya, aku tidak berpura-pura sewaktu aku terlihat jengkel ketika kamu terkadang hangout with me, sambil mengelupasi kulit tumit kakimu yang mengering. Uugh... Risih!

Kamu tahu sendiri, aku suka memakai lotion, dan tentunya seringkali aku mengingatkan kamu untuk memakai juga. Apakah kamu bawa body lotion saat ini? Please, use it. I warn you grrrr.  Buat apa aku belikan kamu kalau kamu jarang pakai.... ? :p

So, supaya lain kali kamu tidak punya tumit kaki yang kering lagi (i know, meskipun kamu bilang terkadang enak melakukan pengelupasan itu (-__-"), tapi kalau kelamaan kan sakit, ya kan?) , I am gonna get you a foot cream. And I beg you to use it.

Something compulsive inside me just don't feel right, if you keep doing it.

I haven't decided yet, product mana yang akan kupilihkan untuk kamu. Masih ada waktu sebelum kamu pulang, anyway. :) Meskipun jujur , I really really wish you'd come home real soon. :(

Did you have fun today?

I was actually planning to go out tonight, to my 'happy place'. Tapi sewaktu pulang kerja, I didn't have the right mood to go out. I don't know... A bit tired and bored today, I even almost didn't do anything at work. I changed my plan to rest a bit, thinking about you :), well... hang out a bit with the people here, in the house.

I was actually planning to use the rest of the evening to do the tasks that you gave to me before you leaving. But... Something came up. :p

I am sorry :p I will definitely do my homework soon. *elus-elus....*

Jadi, Erni tadi iseng-iseng tanya ke aku, apakah aku sudah pernah mencoba Sour Sally di Solo Paragon Mall itu? Aku memang belum pernah kesana. Biasanya aku kesana hanya untuk belanja di Carrefour, atau ke Starbucks. Lalu aku teringat, sekarang masih dalam promo, kalau membeli dengan KK BCA, ada promo buy 1 get 1 free. (ya, seperti promo Starbucks yang kemarin ini). Meskipun ada sih promo yang lain dari KK BCA, seperti FREE UPSIZE for the frozen yoghurt, or Buy 2 Get 3 for the Smoothies. Tapi yang menarik Erni ya promo yang Buy 1 Get 1 Free, dan dia mengajak aku untuk kesana, secara dia sendiri juga belum pernah mencicipi Sour Sally. Wiii.. Kepo Udik banget ya kami ini? :p 

I don't care... I don't really dig yoghurts anyway. I prefer ice-creams. Or donuts. Or coffee.... *drools*

.....

...

......

Ah so anyway, we went to Solo Paragon, to get the Sour Sally. Ada aku, Erni, Simon, Matthew. Jalan kaki, tentu saja. Matthew rewel banget minta mau belanja, belanja, belanja. Belanja ke Carrefour maksudnya. Ditanya, mau beli apa? Katanya mau beli roti. Padahal sih, sebenarnya dia tidak terlalu peduli dengan mau belanja apa. Dia cuma mau mainan mobil-mobilan trolleynya Carrefour. 

Sour Sally lumayan tadi, banyak yang membeli. Sempat antri sebentar. Bingung juga mau membelinya, as we never had this before. But eventually, Erni decided to get this :

Enjoy the picture ya! Hehehe.. 

Sehabis beli, kami masih jalan-jalan sebentar sih. Yaaah... Ke Carrefour. Ada anak yang rewel minta mau kesana sih. Sambil melihat-lihat juga. Finally we went home on almost 10 PM. And can you guess who greeted us in the door? :)

Our Zorro. 

Apparently he's been waiting there since we left. :) And that's what I love from him. He's so loving and loyal, he always waits for me to come home. Seringkali, dari cerita Bu Sum, kalau aku sedang pergi keluar rumah, Zorro sering menunggu di garasi. And he always gets so excited when I am finally home. :)

You probably laugh if you know what happen when I am back from work.

Aku sudah cerita kamu yah, kalau aku berangkat ke kantor, sampai aku pulang di sore hari, biasanya Zorro sering ada di lantai atas. Entahlah dia ngapain disana. Seringkali sih dia tidur. Spending most of the times sleeping. Because sure, 10 hours of waiting for me to go home is boring. And when I come home, aku sering kali ke dapur, dan teriak memanggil dia. Lalu kamu bisa bayangkan, adegan selanjutnya adalah seperti di film-film lebay Bollywood.

Zorro berlari-lari di lantai atas lalu menuruni tangga belakang sampai separuh lalu berhenti. Lalu dia menatap ke dalam dapur. Menatap. Serius. Ini beneran. Menatap aku. Kurang lebih biasanya ada lah selama 10 detik. Seperti tidak percaya, is that person really my master?! 

Lalu setelah dia dengan yakin, IT IS REALLY MY MASTER! dia berlari lagi menuruni separuh tangga itu, lari dengan kencang sambil goyang-goyang ekor, tertawa lebar, menerkam menyambut aku. Seperti adegan romantis ya. And it happens EVERY DAY.

Yah kadang kalau pas aku juga lagi rada kumat, aku juga seperti sinetron sih, teriak lebay Zorrooooo sambil merentangkan tangan siap untuk memeluk dia. *halah*

You gave me... an amazing birthday gift. :p

So.. How about you? 

Adakah hal yang membuatmu senang hari ini? :)

Tiap hari, jangan putus asa ya. Karena kamu tidak diciptakan untuk itu. Aku percaya, kamu untuk kehidupan yang lebih baik lagi.

Good night, sleep tight, sweet dream. :)

PS : i DO miss your hug and kisses......

.bie.

Wake Me Up When September Ends #03

All of the people around me (including you..) tell me, I should move on. I have to move on.

But what they (including you..) don't realize is, 

moving on is not an easy thing to do, when what I left behind was actually better than what I am having and feeling right now. And it was truly the times, I felt happy....

05 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

How are you today? Did you have a good day?

Mine was fine. Agak gak mood sih, entah kenapa. Cliche jika aku bilang karena memikirkan kamu hehehehe... But I won't lie, I do think about you :).

I tried to distract my mind off you (again..with no luck whatsoever), with online games, browsing the internet, the twitters, reading blogs, etc. 

And from twitter, @CosmoIndonesia tweeted one thing ; about sharing the best gift we ever got. Caranya cukup share ke Cosmo hadiah anniversary apa yang pernah si dia kasih untuk Anda! Jangan lupa sertakan #CosmoQuizdi akhir tweet Anda. What they said... Funny my mind went straight to you (pfft as if I didn't think about you all the time..).

My best gift I ever got, and I do mean the best, of all the gifts I ever got, (well of course being alive and healthy was the best gift because it's from God, but we're talking about gifts from people here..) is of course, 

a puppy named Zorro, that you gave to me for my birthday gift last year

Truly. Cute. Puppy.

Which is now has grown into a rather big, energetic, loving, loyal, rather spoiled dog. *kisses* :-*

Do you still remember how we got him? :)

You were actually planning to give me a Siberian Husky puppy ( . . you do like this breed so much, don't you?), you were browsing the internet for it. Sadly we couldn't find one that fits us so ... Same as how I got Ruffy ( how is she now, by the way? I miss her... :( ) for you the year before, you took me out of town and we went to an animal market on Sunday in Yogyakarta. They were selling various animals, from common animals like birds, chickens, etc. To the most exotic animals like monkeys, bats, owls. Do you remember the owl that turned its head and kept looking at you wherever you go ? :)

A funny thing I remember is, you already set your eyes on Zorro from the first time we got there. But because I know you like Siberian Husky so much, I was actually looking for that breed. So you'd love it too. My eyes went to the crossbred of Husky X Retriever (what the seller said, although it kinda looked like a brown mini Husky) . 

But apparently, you fell in love at first sight with Zorro. You kept coming back to where he was. :) Then after a loooong discussion, you decided to buy Zorro for me. Yay! \(^^)/

And to be honest, I truly love it. He turned out to be a very nice pet to have, although he does sometimes annoy me so much when he's super excited.

And that's what I want to tell you about today.

I spent the times tonight with staying home. He was happy to know I stayed home. 

Dari sejak aku pulang, sampai jam makan malam, dia nempel terus. Mu dipeluk, dielus-elus. Cuddling surely works for him, he loves it so much.

But well you know him too... Dia adalah anjing yang amat sangat aktif, apalagi jika ada teman bermain, and of course what he is doing next was running around the house, berkejar-kejaran dengan Cleo, guling-gulingan, berisik!

So I forced them to go outside, ke taman belakang hehehe. I didn't allow them to come in, before they tire themselves of playing.

Do you miss him?

He does miss you, FYI.... 

How would I know? :)

Terkadang, t-shirt kamu yang ada di sini (yang aku selalu minta pinjam dari kamu, for sniffing purpose... Because I won't lie, it's a nice feeling when I miss you so much then I can "smell" you.) , kan aku pasang di guling, Zorro kadang datang ketika mau tidur dan he sniffed it too before bed.

Haha I know it sounds ridiculous, it doesn't always happen everyday. Or maybe he smelled something weird from your t-shirt :p.

But we both do miss you. :)

I wish we can do our picnic thing again someday... Remember?

Before, on Sundays, kita selalu janjian untuk makan siang, dan terkadang aku beli makanan, lalu jemput kamu, dan terkadang kita bawa Ruffy / Zorro, bahkan pernah keduanya (!), lalu sedikit ke luar kota, untuk jalan-jalan sebentar.

The memories.....

So many good and happy memories, seems impossible for me to ever move on from you....

So... How did you do today? Did you do anything good?

Did you find great food there?

Wherever you are, chemungud yah !! \(^0^).

Segala pencapaian & prestasi, besar maupun kecil, tak mungkin dicapai tanpa adanya upaya berpikir & kerja keras.Semua kesuksesan pastinya butuh proses yang tak mudah, bahkan mungkin tak sebentar.Namun percayalah, segala upaya itu akan mengarah pada hasil yang luar biasa. 

Keep praying, and reading the Bible.

Ku percaya, Tuhan bimbing jalanmu.

We will also pray for you from here. 

.bie.

Letters For You Project : Wake Me Up When September Ends #02

Tuesday, 04 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

Hari kedua kamu pergi. Masih sedikit tidak percaya waktu aku bangun tadi pagi, sedikit berharap kalau ini hanya mimpi. 

Aku masih terus memikirkan kamu, apakah kamu baik-baik saja?

Hari ini normal. Berjalan seperti Selasa yang biasanya. Aku gak terlalu semangat di kantor, ngantuk banget. Mungkin karena semalam tidurku terganggu terus. Ga nyaman rasanya. Meskipun of course, I was holding your t-shirt tight, trying to remember how you used to hold me, I still feel uneasy. I fell asleep, clutching my phone in my hand. Entahlah, mungkin aku yang terlalu bermimpi berharap tiba-tiba kamu SMS saying Good Night as usual. :) Setiap kali terbangun, kucheck Blackberryku.

Well, nothing.

It's okay. You are having your own time. Although I do kinda wish you still think about me.

Malam ini aku ke Starbucks lagi. :p Hehehe.... 

Ah ga papa ya, kan kamu juga ada bilang kalau aku bosan ketika ga ada kamu, bisa salah satunya kesana. Do you have the tumbler I got for you, with you?

I got your fave drink. Ice Chocochip Cream Frappucino, with whipped cream. Ya kamu memang gak suka whipped cream, but I do, weks.

Masih ingat beberapa hari yang lalu, when we enjoyed the drinks together? We were watching CSI in my car. Have you finished watching the rest of the dvds I got you? 

Oh ya.. Today's the 4th Sept!

Hayoooo... Remember your bet?

Few days ago, you bet me, that it would rain on the 4th.

Kamu, yang kadang suka ngasal ngaku-ngaku sebagai dewa hujan ;), yakin banget bilang kalau tanggal 4 Sept pasti hujan. Waktu itu sepertinya kita sedang membahas kenapa tidak segera hujan di Solo, padahal panas banget cuacanya. Kamu bilang, kalau dewa hujannya belum bilang hujan, ya gak akan hujan. :D

Aku udah lock jawabanmu yah pada hari itu, pokoknya tidak akan hujan sebelum tanggal 4, dan tanggal 4 pasti ada hujan.

Well... Your prediction is wrong, nyahahaha. Waktu aku tulis post ini, sudah hampir tengah malam, dan seharian tidak ada sama sekali setitik air hujan ada di kota ini. :D

Ah... I wish I can taunt you directly face-to-face. :( 

Did it rain in your place right now?

I got a new Blackberry charger tonight.

Remember, beberapa hari yang lalu, aku cerita ke kamu kalau charger Blackberryku kabelnya hampir putus? Well you did recommend, gak usah beli baru dulu, mahal. Pakai Powerbank dulu. I did, for few days.

Tapi ya tetap harus beli charger sih, masa pakai Powerbank terus? Tonight, my brother got me a new one, dan lucu nih, he got me International Charger. Jadi punya 3 macam colokan. *facepalm* Kenapa dia gak mencarikan yang khusus buat bisa dipakai disini aja ya, kan yang 2 jenis colokan lainnya ga kepakai, secara sekarang aku sudah tidak bepergian ke luar negeri lagi?

Malam ini juga, ada hal mengesalkan yang terjadi di rumahku. Ah well... You know it already that I live in crazy house :). Kamu kapan pulang yaaa.. *sigh* I really wish I can talk to you and share things with you.

So, how's your day?

I hope it's fine. 

Tetap percaya dan ikuti jalan dari-Nya ya, seperti yang kamu ajarkan ke aku. :)

Mungkin kamu sudah tidur, waktu aku selesai menulis ini?

Sleep well, my dear... Semangat untuk hari esokmu. I will write for you again tomorrow. :)

.bie.

Letters For You Project : Wake Me Up When September Ends #01

" .... as my memory rests, but never forgets what I lost, wake me up when September ends ... "

Monday, 03 Sept 2012

Dear, you...

Pagi ini kamu pergi. Setengah tidak percaya sebenarnya, ketika benar-benar terjadi. Pagi ini pun, ketika kamu berpamitan lagi, ada sedikit penyangkalan di pikiranku yang tidak mau ini terjadi.

Mungkin karena kamu kasih tahu aku secara mendadak. Baru semalam kamu bercerita, di tempat yang biasa itu, kalau kamu mau pergi. Ke luar kota. Dan tidak ada yang benar-benar tahu kamu ada dimana. Dan kamu bilang tidak membuka komunikasi juga ke orang lain.

Jahat! You know I always think about you, and you tell me this and expect me to be fine? Uuugh...

10 AM - It's only been one hour since you left, and I miss you already.

But okay. If it's really what you want, and it's better for you, I respect and support you. Wherever you are right now, please be alright.

And I will wait, untuk janjimu, to be back here next month. I will count the days, and write you letters every night, in case you want to know about little things in here without you around.

Seharian ini, aku merasa seperti hampa. Semua yang berkaitan dengan kamu, tiba-tiba tidak ada. Aneh. I have special ringtones set for you, FYI. Nada SMS dan ringtone yang khusus, yang aku bisa langsung tahu kalau itu dari kamu. Dan sekarang, tiba-tiba Blackberry ku menjadi sepi. Tidak ada lagi nada itu. Padahal biasanya sering aku mendengar nada itu. 

I tried to find many things to do, to stop myself of thinking about you, but it doesn't work. Even during in the middle of something, I still think of you. 

I am not worried. Well.. Not too much, just a little. Aku percaya, kamu bisa menjaga diri. I just miss you and wonder where you are. What you do. 

So... Whatever it is you're doing, wherever you are right now, please be fine.

Jaga kesehatan, jangan lupa makan ya. Hati-hati dengan migrain yang sering kamu dapat juga.

I will, wait for you...

.bie.

the confession

I don't know exactly the appropriate way to write this confession.
The stuffs I'm about to confess here happened in the past few months.
I tried many times to write them at the time, but apparently just today is the time I'm finally ready.
Even right now I'm staring at my screen for a while, it's not easy to find the right words to describe them. *sigh*


I guess I have to begin from when I was still in Melbourne. About my education.
There's a situation with my university, I've failed enough subjects last year for my department to consider excluding me from my major.
Eventhough I finally did well in the next semester, apparently they have reached a decision that it may not be enough, seeing as I also had failing history in the previous year.
I understand that I did mistakes, not everyone can comprehend my condition, maybe it seems stupid for some people of course, to be weaken and distracted by depression.
Help did come from student representatives, there were letters, an appeal, investigations, rejected appeal, some claims, more investigations, all things made me couldn't sit exams in last year's semester.
I was already sentenced as discontinued from my major.
The process went long, it took months.
Charles did order me to apply for another university, to prevent my visa to be canceled. I admit I did not take it seriously.
In the end, the appeal process didn't come through, I couldn't continue to study in the same major in my uni, I would have to re-apply for another similar major with different major code.
Or another university.
At that time, it was all already too late, the new semester's already begun, so eventually I had to decide to go back home.
I feared that my visa's been canceled. He went back home too.

About our relationship, as I mentioned in previous post, we're over. Kinda.
I know I finally decided to ask to break up, such a long process. The post I wrote before was actually about this.
It includes the lie he told me about that other girl, that he no longer had anything with her, that they broke up, and no longer communicated regularly, although sometimes I did find out he called her. I was sad to know that,
but I know I shouldn't ask much, I wanted to see whether he can realized what he did to us. He told me she and his friend became a couple. It was a lie, that at that time I chose not to look through.
The end of 2008, he decided to travel overseas again.
One day she actually called his mobile that he gave me while he was away,
looking for him, saying that they never broke up. I asked what she was doing calling him again, believing that they were really separated, she of course said it wasn't true. She even said that I was the one who should realize that she was better than me, saying something such as she had something that I didn't, that made him go out with her.
I was furious of course, I asked them directly, I called his number in overseas, he still said that nothing she said was true, and I said I had enough. I couldn't stand feeling I was accused as the third person, when it was supposed to be her.
I kinda always know that he would cheat. He said it many many many times. I was devastated of course, but I let it go. I realized I am no special for him, so I am prepared. I told him many times, when finally he got another girl, I just want to know the truth. Don't lie.
It's not about the cheating, that made me furious.
So when I heard from her again, it was over. But I was still in contact with him, seeing as he's overseas and I was already taking care of his stuffs while he's away, I couldn't just leave them. He acted as if nothing happened.
January 2009, one day she messaged me again, asking about me and him, whether we're still together or not, I told her to ask him directly, a bait that I actually set up, since he constantly told me that he didn't see her again.
But apparently it's obviously another lie, he did see her again when he's in Jakarta. She asked me whether I ever being asked to marry him, apparently he asked her. He told me later that it was just bullshit, and he was just playing with her.
But like before, it's not about the cheating, it's his lying. He was playing with both of us. He told her that he's not serious with me, and viceversa.
Ah well, in short, we did break up. 1st of February.
Apparently that girl broke up with him too, knowing I was still with him.
But I'm not gonna lie, I still loved him. I know it's stupid, no need to remind me, but I can't lie. When he came back to Melbourne, 2nd of March, I still spent my days with him.

So the story went to how he decided to go back home, at that time he was dealing with some business plan, and apparently I did too, as at that time it was too late for me to enroll to a new semester. My education's ended.
29th of March, we went home to Indonesia. Jakarta via Denpasar. I wanted to go home straight to Solo afterward, but because we had overweight baggage and we shared our stuffs in our bags, I couldn't just leave as there were my stuffs in his bag and his stuffs in mine,
and there was no way to open them in the airport because his family already at the front gate picking him up,
so eventually I had to come with him to his house. And also my cargo was sent under his name too, so I needed to make sure first they got there.
Me and him actually were not in good term at that time, we fought the day before so we were bitter to each other.
But well, as usual, it's as if nothing happened the next day.
I stayed in Jakarta, with his family, for about a week. Even though I'm not really sure I was being welcomed or not, they didn't ask me anything.
He took care of his business plan, that later was canceled.
To make it short, I just went home to Solo a week later, and he also came with me. Yes he did come and stay in my place, he did mention want to do sightseeing, so I offered him.
When he stayed in my place, officially we didn't have a relationship status.
I still care for him, and slowly I began to let him go.

When I came home, I still have some hope. Hoping that one day I can continue my education, browsing through alternative schools, picturing some stuffs I'd like to do such as looking for business plan, or taking some time break to learn new things.
But I didn't realize I did big mistakes at that time. Bringing him to my place turned out to be nightmare.
It is very well-known that I don't get along with my mom well. Apparently he talked to my mom about me. I can't precisely blame him. I know I did make mistake not telling my mom that I'm failing. Apparently he wants me to go all out.
Even until now, I'm still wondering, whether it was a good intention or not.
Oh I need to mention that there's money involved. I saved some money from my allowances before, that I could save some money my mom sent me the last 3 months, because I got enough money from my summer job.
AU$5000.
Before we went home, he asked me to use that money for "us" to do business, I find it's not appropriate as we're no longer a couple,
and he has his own money, double as much as mine, he just doesn't want to spend it. He wants to do business, I know that, but with my capital. I understand actually I can do it, we talked about my rights, and eventually it would become my business, not his,
with all assets under my name, but I was still doubtful because it felt weird to make any deal with him again, we had nothing more, right?
Because I didn't want to be used up again, I said I couldn't give that money to him, and I said I need to give it back to my mom.
When I reached home, and feeling that my relationship with my mom was indeed so bad, it's hard to fix, I didn't mention anything about that money. I felt I couldn't stay like that, and was thinking to go back to school. He didn't agree.
Apparently he felt I lied to him, and he told my mom. 'Bout everything. My school, my habit, my attitude, our relationship, how he felt about me, my money...
Nothing was good. My mom of course wanted an explanation for why I failed, and the cause of my depression, and as I wasn't ready to tell her, he threatened me to give the money back or he'd tell my mom about the cause of my depression.
So I lost the money.
It's funny as eventually my mom did find out from another source, so if I was brave enough to confess at that time, maybe I still have that money, hahaha..
It was some time later after that. He stayed for almost a week, and after that I was kinda lost.
I only had few money, not really talking with my mom, because it really hurts me to discuss anything with her, and the strain in my family was getting bigger and bigger.
At that time I was still hanging out with my 2nd brother, my sister in law, and my baby nephew. But it was usual for me for not talking with my mom.
Later, there was news from my 1st bro that he wanted to come home. And was asking for ticket money from my mom.
He said the usual BS about how he'd changed, blablablabla.. and as usual, my mom has soft spot for him, no matter how bad he was, we all know that eventually my mom would give everything he asked for.
It's hard for me to discuss about this, there was actually an obvious dysfunctional relationships in my family.

I never trusted my 1st bro. Witnessing all of his actions, it's hard for me to believe that he'd actually changed.
He also lied to my mom big time. Many times too.

The secret is actually he was already married, underhanded, with native poor widow with one child, and they had another daughter. My mom knew about it and didn't accept it of course, feeling that that woman's not suitable, bad woman.
Eventually my bro told her, that he left his family, and my mom sent him to US to keep them away.
He always told her that he didn't send any money to that woman again.
But we're the siblings know, that it's a big lie.
Sometimes he even asked me or my 2nd brother to give some money to his family, when he couldn't get enough money.
We didn't mind actually. We know that it really was his responsibility to takecareof his daughter, which is also our niece.

But in return?
When he asked to come back few months ago, he denied everything.
Even accusing me and my 2nd bro for being guilty to send money to his wife. Saying that it's his wife that asked for it, he knows nothing about it.
And he denied the fact that he was too sometimes asking for money from us.

Since that day, I don't see him as my brother anymore.
I'm really sorry for the fallout, but I can't help it. Because he's not only lying again to my mom, he's turning the blame to us, his siblings who have been helping him.
And, the final straw for me was when he single-handedly told my mom about my first abortion. He sold me out.
I don't care to see whether he's now really changed or not. I've had enough.

And my mom didn't help. Knowing that there was falling out between his first son and the rest of her kids, she chose to stick with her first son.
I was clearly showing that I don't care about him, and don't want to talk to him. My 2nd bro's not that extreme. He still sees my 1st bro as brother, and don't mind hanging out together, but only feel awkward if they meet as they
don't have anything in common and to talk about.
As I recall, my mom said that if we didn't talk to her first son, then she wouldn't talk to us either.

So it was nearly end of April, that I reached my boiling point. I was thinking to leave home.
I couldn't stand the condition in my home, with me not going along with my mom, her dislike over me, adding my dislike of 1st bro, I decided it was time to leave.
I contacted some of my friend.
And the story goes this way...
I was still in contact with him. I never hold grudge on anyone, eventhough it's obvious I should stay away from him, at that time he's responded to my plea first.
He said yes,he would help.
I was desperately looking for someone to help me to find a place and a job out of here.
I didn't care to live at his hometown, planning that after I got settled, obviously I couldn't really got involved with him anymore.
He warned me that it'd be a difficult life, for I was never in a difficult situation, money-wise, but I already thought about it. I was really preparing to leave all my comforts in my home,
all I thought about was I had to get out of here. So I started my plan. He started asking for rented room, and jobs from his friend. I observed the activities in my home, thinking the best time to leave.
It's not sudden, it took about 2 weeks from initial talking 'til the actual action. I needed to think all of it through first, from how I'd get out, how I'd buy tickets, how much money left, etc.
Eventually I managed to purchase an airline ticket to Jakarta, with help of my other friend.
He prepared my ticket to his hometown with his travel agent, apparently it was cheaper if I buy it in Jakarta, than in Solo. Weird.. Same flight, same date, same time. But different price.

I was really looking forward to go, even though it was heartbreaking to leave too, 'cause I love my 2nd brother, my sister in law, and I really love my baby nephew.
And so the day was approaching, I prepared everything I could think of. Selecting my wardrobe collection was not an easy job.


Anyway...... everything seems to be in order. I was planned to leave Solo on 7th of May to Jakarta, and then the next day to Tarakan. Tickets are bought and booked. Baggage was ready.
But somehow I got a hunch. Somehow I got to think that if I want to do it, I would have to be really sure there's nothing flawed in my plan.
And I don't know how it happened, somehow I got an urge to take some tests.




Out of nowhere, 2 days before my departure, I asked my friend to get me self-pregnancy test.......

tomat kembar siam ?

PS: Apologize for bad picture, it was taken by mobile phone, since I don't have my digicam with me at the moment.


This is one weird discovery.


Found yesterday morning (Feb 13th 2009), by my co-worker Joanne, when she was doing her duty cutting the tomatoes.







Come to think of it, it does look more like an ass :D.






And here's the asshole! (0__0)

closure

“You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.”


- Curious Case of Benjamin Button



I know life is not a fairytale.

For the past weeks, I've been hurt, I've been lied to, betrayed. Again.
One situation that really made me furious.

I yelled. I cursed. I cried.
Even though I knew it wouldn't change anything.
Like the quote said, eventually I have to let it go.

I realized I am an idiot. I still feel sad for missing something that's been hurting me badly.

Now I can only hope, in the future, we're all gonna be okay.
And looking back at this time with smile, knowing we've learned something out of it.

Dulux Ads

I just LOVE this commercial !!!


Do I have to say why?

They're big ! They're fat ! They're FLUFFY !!
And they're running all around city..

Awww... so adorable..

guilty pleasure

Hudsons' Coffee - Small Iced Mocha



13th January 2009
Dari jam 9 pagi sudah keluar rumah karena ada appointment dgn orang university, tapi ternyata ga selama yang aku bayangkan, hanya 40 menit sudah selesai omong-omong. Padahal masih ada waktu 2 jam lebih sebelum harus kerja. Mau pulang dulu males juga lah nanti malah ga mood keluar. Jadinya jalan-jalan ga jelas sampai pada akhirnya beli minum deh sekaligus memang perlu untuk menangkis ngantuk akibat insomnia berhari-hari ini.

@ Hudsons' Coffee shop near my workplace. Damage cost AU$4.30.

Iya, memang posting ga penting.. Cuma mau pamer aja :), daripada dicomplaint disuruh update mulu.

menutup 2008

Yes i'm back..
Let's hope it's for real, shall we ? :)

Ga terasa sudah 2009 .. It feels like it was just yesterday when I start 2008 with new hope, new wish.. which turned out to be a bad year for me hahahaha..

Yeah, 2008 is not a great year for me, instead it was one of my painful era.
There were a lot of pain, tears, heartaches. Disappointments. Angers.
But I also see 2008 as another time for me to grow more mature.
I learned lots of lessons, in hard way.

And as wise people say, time is the best medicine, it was also time that healed me. As time goes by, I started to realize that I grew stronger, and now I can see the past with smile, although I don't deny that sometimes I feel regrets too :).

I know many of you wondering why I stopped writing in the middle of the year.
Well I had a rough time, so I didn't have time to write in here. And I also think that it was not a good time for me to write because of my conditions, it would only result in bad depressing posts anyway :).
Especially when someone finally said that I'm a fucking idiot, ( i know who you are, anyway ;) ), I was actually thinking of shutting down my blogs for good.

Maybe he's right, wasn't he?
I do sometimes also think that I was an idiot.
I acted based on fear, and irrational feelings, when I actually knew that I shouldn't let my fear took over my judgements.
To be honest, guys... I know that you all probably think of me not in good way in 2008 :) Which is also one of my reasons why I stopped writing, because I was afraid the bad comment would come again.
I don't want to be judged, but I know I also can't control what people think of me.
So if you really think of me in that way, I won't get mad too :). I know I should get it anyway.



And also, I know that I wrote a lot of bad things about him back then. But I hope you won't think of him as bad guy.
Yes, he's violent to me. Yes he treats me badly. Yes he cheated on me and lied to me many times. Yes he was the reason I ruined my life last year. But please don't hate him.
I forgive him.
It was not his mistakes to treat me like that, it was my mistakes. Maybe if I'm stronger or I have better qualities than I do now, those things wouldn't happen.

Well we also had great time together anyway, although not much ;) but I treasured them.


Oh and did i mention that I lost a bunch of weight last year due to the stress and depression? :).
So there is silver lining after all :). Hahaha, at least I can be happy about one thing :).

disturbing pictures

self-injury or self-harm

Self-injury or self-harm is deliberate injury inflicted by a person upon their own body without suicidal intent. These acts may be aimed at relieving otherwise unbearable emotions, sensations of unreality and numbness. The illness is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(DSM-IV-TR) as a symptom of borderline personality disorder and depressive disorders. It is sometimes associated with mental illness, a history of trauma and abuse including emotional abuse, sexual abuse, eating disorders, or mental traits such as low self-esteem or perfectionism, but a statistical analysis is difficult, as many self-injurers conceal their injuries. Self harmers are often mistaken as suicidal, but in the majority of cases this is inaccurate.

A common belief regarding self-injury is that it is an attention-seeking behaviour; however, in most cases, this is inaccurate. Many self-injurers are very self-conscious of their wounds and scars and feel guilty about their behaviour leading them to go to great lengths to conceal their behaviour from others.

Self-injury in such individuals is not associated with suicidal or para-suicidal behaviour. The person who self-injures is not usually seeking to end his or her own life; it has been suggested instead that he or she is using self-injury as a coping mechanism to relieve emotional pain or discomfort.

---- Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-injury)

What is self-harming?

Self-harming is when people cause themselves physical pain that alters their mood state (how they feel inside). Some people harm themselves because they feel disconnected and isolated from everybody, and hurting themselves is the only way they feel real or connected.

Self-harming behaviours can include:

• cutting their skin with knives or any sharp object
• burning their skin
• hitting their body with an object or fists (like punching the wall)
• deliberately falling when doing something like extreme sports
• picking at their skin
• swallowing pills or sharp objects
• pulling at their hair (hair pulling can also be a habit).

Why do people start harming themselves?

Self-harming can be a way that people deal with feelings of:

• helplessness, despair and low self-esteem
• anger, loneliness, shame and guilt
• not having control over their life
• being 'out of it' – so the only way to feel 'real' is to cause physical pain to themselves.

Some self-harm is related to severe emotional pain. When people have experienced abuse or violence, it often re-appears as emotional pain in later life. Some people have said that:

• When they hurt themselves physically, it helps take away the emotional pain.
• Self-harm makes internal pain visible on the surface. It is showing that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
• Self-harm is a way that people punish themselves for something.

People who harm themselves...

• may have difficulty expressing their feelings verbally
• may dislike themselves and their bodies
• may do it because of difficulties with relationships
• may do it because of mental health issues such as depression, anxiety or stress.

---- http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=243&np=293&id=2464

the dysfunctional relationship

I don't know where to begin. Let's see ...
I am a very compromising person, I can cope up with many things. But with Charles, unbelievable, I can't even believe it, it's so hard.
We were like, totally different. And I mean it 180 degrees.
We like different things. We have different point of views.

This relationship's not going smoothly.
We had fight a lot.
Dia mau aku selalu nurut sama dia. Selalu ikutin apa yang dia omong, meskipun terkadang apa yang dia mau bertentangan dengan yang aku pikir.
Yah, my mistake too, most of the time aku memang nurut. Sudah jadi sifat. Tapi to go out with him, extra patience is needed.

I admit, I'm weak. I am a giver in most of my relationship.
And he knows exactly how to use it.

He's controlling. Kalau ada sedikit kesalahan saja, dia gampang banget marah. Dan kalau sudah marah, semua perkataan buruk bisa keluar.
Tapi apa yang aku lakukan buat dia, gak berarti apa-apa buat dia. Kalau aku omong tentang ini, pasti dia bilang aku perhitungan.
Dan memang dia pernah bilang, aku ga bisa berharap untuk dapat sama seperti yang aku kasih.
Iya sih aku tahu memang, kita gak bisa expect orang untuk berubah, atau sayang balik ke kita, etc.

Yah gak setiap hari berantem sih. Terkadang dia baik juga sama aku. Tapi kalau dia sudah marah, he becomes the rudest man I've ever known.

I remember every words he ever said.
Dulu pernah dia bilang dia suka lihat cewe-cewe lain, dan tetep cari cewe lain. Karena dia ingin cobain banyak cewe.
Tapi dia juga ga mau aku pergi, karena dia butuh aku.
Dia juga pernah bilang ga pernah rasain cinta, can you believe that? Isn't it just a bullshit?

Pernah dia bilang suatu malam, dia kira ga ada masa depan buat aku sama dia.
Karena aku gak penuhin "syarat" calon istri dia. Dia bilang mau dapat istri yang 8 tahun lebih muda dari dia, and virgin.
Pernah dia bilang, kalau virginity is important. Dan temannya juga bilang begitu sih, Andy pernah bilang ke aku kalau Charles punya banyak mantan.
Dan yang dia memang suka dan sayangin, ya cuma sedikit. They're virgins.
Kalau aku tanya kenapa dia begitu, dia bilang dia baik-baik dan gombalin supaya dapat virginnya, bukan karena serius pacaran.
Dia bahkan pernah omong dan minta aku untuk bantuin dia dapetin virginnya temen-temenku.
Katanya kalau aku bisa bantu, aku bisa lebih berarti buat dia, karena bantuin dia dapet apa yang dia mau. Tapi gimana coba aku bisa bantuin begitu?
Jadi akhirnya dia bilang, yah bantuin aja dengan gimana caranya supaya bisa deketin cewe, karena aku cewe, tahu apa yang cewe mau.
Atau dia akan usaha sendiri, dan aku gak boleh ganggu.

Bahkan sewaktu tahu Mellissa sudah jadian sama Aris, dia salahin aku.
Why? Karena katanya aku ada bilang ke Mellissa kalau aku jadian sama dia.
Which is wrong for him, dia gak suka dan ga mau admit kita ini pacaran ke orang lain.
Coba saja tanya ke dia, dia punya cewe atau gak, atau tanya apa aku ini pacarnya. Dia akan jawab gak, dan aku adalah temen.
Pernah aku tanya soal ini, dan dia jawab ga perlu omong-omong ke orang lain.
Yah dia ada juga sih beberapa orang yang dia akuin aku sebagai cewenya, tapi ya ke orang-orang yang jarang ketemu sama dia.

Aku gak boleh banyak tanya ke dia. Katanya pertanyaan-pertanyaanku itu mengganggu.
Dia ada bilang jangan expect dia untuk cinta sama aku. Dia ga akan nikahin aku.

One day, aku pergi ke Fitness First untuk cancel membership. Aku berangkat sudah agak telat, buru-buru takut missed appointment dengan staff FFnya.
Karena aku jalan buru-buru, aku jalan duluan di depan. Then he lost me, dia belok naek eskalator. Aku omong dari bawah eskalator kalau aku naek dulu ya di elevator.
Tapi ternyata dia gak dengar, dan sudah mulai emosi.
Di FF mulai dia bicara kasar, kata-katain aku. Gimana aku jelek, muka kaya tai, trus usir aku, katanya gadis idaman dia sudah balik dari liburan.
Yah dia memang sering keluarin kata usir aku kalau marah-marah.

Suatu hari, kita berantem gede banget, aku beneran keluar dari rumah dia, dan balik ke apartmentku.
Tapi malamnya dia jadi baek lagi dan memang dia akuin dia butuh aku.

Mungkin memang itu kali yah dia tetep sama aku. Karena memang dia butuh aku, aku bisa kasih temenin dia, urus dia, bersih-bersih apartment, cuci baju, masak, belanja.
Pembantu yah? Haha..

Pernah juga dia kata-katain aku, hatiku busuk, licik, cuma bikin dia susah dan stres saja. Aku ga berharga, mending kalau aku cantik, tapi aku sudah jelek, muka kaya tai atau cibai, masih banyak tingkah,
badan kaya babi, lambat, malas, ga bisa bangun pagi, ga virgin, udah pernah aborsi juga, gak bakal ada yang mau sama aku, karena pelacur saja lebih baik dari aku.


Terkadang dia pukul aku, atau tendang aku. Gak sampai sakit banget dan memar-memar begitu sih, but still ...

Dia memang bilang gak masalah juga kalau aku pergi. Kalau ada aku, dia bahagia kok. Karena katanya dia memang suka aku.
Tapi kalau aku pergi, ga papa juga. It makes me feel I'm nothing. I feel unwanted, dan kesannya seakan-akan aku yang maksa dia untuk tetep sama aku. I have to stop this.

Aku harus jadi cewe baik-baik saja ke dia. Nurut, dan gak banyak menuntut. Gak minta dan berharap macem-macem.


Dan masih banyak lagi sih sikap keras dan kasarnya ke aku.

I know, dan pasti kalian sudah capek bilangin aku harus lepasin dia.
Hmm.. the truth is, the reason I'm still staying, is because I'm scared.
Yes, can. You're right.
I'm scared.
I've been alone for a while, and I'm telling you, it's not nice to be lonely.
Eventhough it hurts me, it still feels nice to have somebody.
Ya ya, this is a wrong reason to stay, and I'm trying hard now to get out from this situation.

Akhir-akhir ini dia pergi. Dia pergi jalan-jalan ke Hk dan Canada mengunjungi keluarga jauhnya.
Sekarang sih dia ada di Jakarta. Aku masih di tempat dia, karena aku gantiin rent kamar dia. Sampai dia balik kesini.
Lately I've been thinking, memang aku harus cari apartment baru dan pindah dari sini.
Hmm.. Entah mengapa, aku merasa dia memang cuma cari aku pas ada butuh aja. I confronted him about this finally few days ago.
Lebih sering aku yang cari dia. Sewaktu dia di HK atau di Canada, aku masih bisa maklum kalau dia memang sibuk jalan-jalan.
Tapi dia sekarang di Jakarta, dan alasan dia kenapa dia gak sering sms, karena dia nyetir.
Katanya aku sms dia pas dia nyetir. Kalau dibales, aku banyak tanya. Gak makes sense kan? Apa salah kalau kita mau tahu orang yang kita sayangin sedang apa? Toh aku gak cari dia tiap jam begitu.

Aku bilang apa dia nyetir 24 jam, gak mungkin kan. Ga ada 5 menit gitu untuk cari aku.
Entahlah. It blew up into a huge fight again.

And I've finally said my goodbye.
Sudah 2 hari ini aku berusaha nahan diri gak cari dia. It's hard, but I know I have to.

and the attraction begins

Okay, before i begin, i just want to say that what i am about to write here, might seem bizarre to some of you, and probably you'd see me in negative way after. But i'm sorry i don't need your judgement..

+++++++

It happened so fast. I don't know when it started exactly, but straightaway I felt I'd like to be around him. He seemed so sincere, likes to help people, and maybe the one thing that made me attracted to him was, he knows what he wants, dalam arti tegas dan gak plin-plan, gak suka menunda pekerjaan.

The next day, 29th Dec, he was helping out another friends, who were moving out because their contract ended on the end of the year. I had nothing to do, so I was also helping out a bit.

I didn't know whether he's attracted to me or not, and my feeling wasn't really strong either, so I didn't do anything. But at night, when he came to Andy's apartment, I was watching TV with Candy, he began asking me about private things, like my ex boyfriends, how they were, what happened,etc. And at one point, he asked me, he wanted to kiss me. I said, why?
I forgot how the conversation went after that, all I remember is moments later, he kissed me.

So we were making out. We almost had sex, but I didn't want to because he didn't have any condom with him.

I realized it was really fast, it was too soon, and really seemed so easy. And things that come so easy must not be good.
So the next day, when we were at it again, i told him i really didn't want to do it, because he wasn't my boyfriend. Eventually he said ya kita pacaran loh. But i knew it was wrong, and i begged him to stop. He got mad, because he thought i was misleading. The day before I wanted to do it, but just because he didn't have any condom, and now I said different excuse.
I tried to explain to him that it was really hard being misjudged by others and i didn't want to do things that can make people think of me in a bad way again. I cried.
And he eventually left.

The next day, new year's eve, i felt terrible for what happened the night before. I don't know, maybe I was lost, I couldn't think straight, because of my family problems, and I had to lose Candy, everything made me couldn't think properly. New year's eve night, I spent with him, Andy, and Andy's friend (Awi), in Yarra Bridge, waiting for fireworks. I took Candy along, and she was afraid of the fireworks. It was cute but kinda annoying too, 'cause she kept trying to run away, she's so afraid of the fireworks sound, that me and Andy had to hold her tight and close her ears in turn.

When we got home, apparently there are some of Andy's friends coming and brought some drinks, and they were drinking until late. When everybody went home, Charles left too. I thought he's not coming back and still mad at me, but apparently he left his mobile phone so I knew that he'd come back.

We did have sex on that night. All I could think was, this guy has helped me so much, maybe this is the way of me paying him back, as I couldn't offer anything else. I know, it's wrong. But well, i wasn't in a good condition at that time. At some point he did mention that we're in a relationship, but i know i can't hope too much from the relationship that begins purely by physical attractions.

I knew i shouldn't be so naive, to actually hope that he'd love me. He's attracted to me, physically. He probably only wants to sleep with me. And my mistake is, I lost control. I've let myself caring for him more and more. I did many mistakes, some of them are huge, just because I don't want to lose him. I thought by doing them, I can still be with him. Little did I know that they don't guarantee he'd be around forever.

I can't tell exactly what I had done in these past months for him, as they were too private.

But maybe i can tell about him and how i felt lately ...

+ to be continued +

what happened back then ..

I know I've been abandoning this blog for a while, my apology..
So many things happened, and i didn't have any chance to write them here..

So what happened back then were..

* i didn't have a happy and peaceful holiday back in my home country.. berantem ama nyokap terus, sampai at some point we didn't talk to each other..
Aku sebenernya tahu sih aku salah. Semua berawal dari Candy. Mama ga suka aku pelihara Candy, apalagi Candy ada kotorin karpet. Dan yah because the fact that aku gak lulus2 juga. Mungkin dia kira aku banyak main-main dan gak serius. She didn't know the reality that I've been dealing with depression and it really affected me in a bad way. And if I didn't have Candy, I might die since long time ago.
Yah lalu she refused to pay my apartment rent fee. Ditunda-tunda mulu, setelah ini lah, setelah itu lah, lalu sampai setelah ko yuki married lah, sampai pada akhirnya aku capek juga ngomong. Percuma juga omong karena at that time, nothing can be said. She hates my guts, and I hate her too.
I was thinking of giving up, seriously. To have a suicide attempt really became my option.
So we didn't talk to each other until the end, she was planning to take a trip to Taiwan with her sister's family on 26th Dec, she totally forgot that I was supposed to leave the next day to Melbourne.

* So then aku bener-bener pulang ke Melbourne on 27th Dec, without saying goodbye to my mom. My brother and sister-in-law said that they would help me to talk to my mom, but i know it'd be hard. They said if my mom was still stubborn, not wanting to support me again here, they'd leave home to. But they can survive even without my mom, but I can't. So i came back to Melbourne, with nothing prepared. All I can think about at that time was, I wanted to take and see Candy again. My condition at that time, I was really prepared to die. I only had few money left, dan uang rent apartment belom terbayar, so I couldn't stay at my apartment. I only can bring my luggage and Candy. I had nowhere to go. If I didn't get any help, I was planning to give Candy up to shelter, and suicide.

I don't have many friends left, and the ones that are still here couldn't help me. Then, i don't know i can call it miracle or what, something happened.
I prayed to God. tuhan, aku ga ada jalan keluar. aku gak tahu harus ngapain. aku ga ada tempat tujuan, ga ada teman, ga ada harapan lagi. kumohon bantu aku, karena kalau tidak, aku benar-benar ga ada jalan keluar dan satu-satunya yang ada di pikiranku adalah giving up.

Then, he came. Out of nowhere.

Aku nyampe Melbourne pagi hari. Agent apartment datang baru sore hari. Jadi aku masih ada waktu masuk ke apartment, dan nyalain messenger.

Suddenly he IMed me. Setelah sekian lama tidak kontak sama sekali.
His name is Charles Tham. I knew him few years ago, in 2006. At that time, i was moving, to Renata's apartment, so i needed a removalist. He was working as a removalist at that time, and Renata told me about him. So I hired him, but that's it. We didn't talk much, baik in person or in messenger. I was a customer of his mom's catering business, so I saw his mom a lot, but I rarely met him.

So anyway, i was really surprised. He messaged me and helped me to find temporary stay, I thanked God for him.
Maybe this is the reason I'm still sticking with him until now, eventhough all people said i shouldn't be with him. (more in this later...)
Aku berhutang banyak ke dia, kalau dia ga ada waktu itu, mungkin aku sudah ga ada sekarang ini.


Jadi setelah aku dikickout sama agent dari apartment, aku gak tahu mesti kemana. Ga ada tempat tujuan, dan hanya bawa satu koper dan Candy. Dan ga ada yang bisa ditumpangin.
Charles contacted me, he said ada temannya yang bisa ditumpangin. So he picked me up around 10 pm, after he's finished with FA, and after visiting some of his friends, i stayed at his friend's apartment.

Andy Maslan is his name. He's a good guy, he allowed me to stay at his place, eventhough he didn't know me, apparently Andy and Charles were best friends. And he liked Candy, so it was really a relief for me.

So i stayed at his place for sometime. Housemates nya Andy lagi holiday, so it was okay for me to stay there for some days. Masih lom ada kabar bagus dari koko, koko dan ce erni masih berusaha maksa mama untuk come into her senses and ngalah. In the other side, my mom wanted me to give Candy up. And it was really the hardest thing I've ever had to do. After giving my baby up, i kinda see Candy as my baby, i loved her very much.

Anyway, about my mom, yah pokoknya she's willing to support me again, as long as I give Candy up. Hmm.. So Candy's basically with Andy now. Right now it's just impossible for me to take care of her, sadly. It breaks my heart not being able to take care of her, but what can I do?

Okay.. More about Charles.. He keeps me company most of the time, he even stayed over too at Andy's apartment. Mungkin karena di apartment dia ga ada kamar kali ya, his parents came over for his graduation. So I guess kita mulai deket dari situ. But like the old saying, easy comes easy goes... It doesn't really like what I was hoping to be ...

- to be continued -

Private Setting

For some reasons, I have to make some changes. Mulai Feb 2008, blog ini akan jadi private blog.

Siapa yang masih mau baca tentang aku, just contact me in a week to get access to this blog :D.

+ nancy_nanz@hotmail.com +

dilemma - 01

what would you do if someone you care about told you, that he/she would leave you one day...

he/she needs you right now.. but one day, he/she might find another person, who's more attractive than you, and leave you..

would you still want to be with him/her, to support him/her during his/her difficult times, despite knowing that what you do to him/her might be useless and you'd have to let him/her go..?



sometimes there are some people who are so unlucky in love... *sigh*

on the verge of breaking down - 03

Hari ini tanggal 4 Desember.

The wedding is on 9th.

Not mine, of course.

My 2nd brother's.

That's the reason I came back home a while ago, which now if I could choose, I'd rather not.

Masih 5 hari lagi. Bertahan ya, Nan. Masih ada 5 hari lagi. Mau gimanapun kamu masih ada kewajiban harus hadir. Tahan ya, Nan. Setelah itu, udah.

Sudah jalan 2 minggu sejak aku pulang, and my condition's getting worse.

Sebenarnya aku udah ga ada keinginan untuk nglakuin apapun.

Setiap hari aku ngrasa capek. Pasti gak ada yang percaya karena sebenarnya aku gak ngapa-ngapain seharian, yang pada akhirnya juga aku yang dijudge seenaknya sendiri.Entahlah. Aku sendiri juga udah capek untuk mencoba lagi. Gak bakal ada orang disini yang akan mau mengerti aku.
Kenapa aku memilih memendam sendiri dan tidak bercerita atau omong kalau aku bermasalah dengan mereka ?

Hmm.. Karena aku tahu pada akhirnya gak ada yang berubah. Ada juga aku yang disalahin.

Hhhh... Cuma disini aku bisa nulis dan cerita.I feel lonely. Meskipun aku berada di rumah dan tengah-tengah keluarga. Tapi aku merasa seperti orang asing.
Kalau bisa memilih, tentunya aku gak mau merasa seperti ini. Tapi mau apa lagi, toh semua sudah terlambat.Aku udah gak tahu musti nulis gimana yah. Terlalu banyak kalimat di otakku yang berjejalan ingin keluar, dan aku gak tahu yang mana duluyang harus aku pilih untuk keluar dulu untuk ngejelasin kenapa aku merasa apa yang aku rasa sekarang.


Hari ini aku dikatain lagi. Meh.. udah biasa sih. Jadi sebenarnya aku sendiri jg udah capek untuk dengerin.Tapi ada yang baru kali ini. I found out that my oldest bro once said some things about me.Yang membuatku berpikir, mungkin kokoku yang lain juga berpikiran sama.Mungkin semua orang juga berpikiran sama.Mungkin memang bener.Aku orang yang gak berguna. I am and will always be a failure. Meh.. What can I do?

Mungkin... memang lebih baik aku tidak ada ya...


I feel hopeless. Saat ini aku cuma bisa lihat 2 pilihan.Antara lebih baik mati, atau tinggalin keluarga ini...It's gonna be rough, I know. And maybe I won't survive out there, tapi sama saja. Tinggal pun aku rasanya pengen mati.
Terserah lah orang-orang disini mo anggep aku egois kek, childish kek, mereka toh gak ngerti gimana rasanya jadi aku.