guilty pleasure

Hudsons' Coffee - Small Iced Mocha



13th January 2009
Dari jam 9 pagi sudah keluar rumah karena ada appointment dgn orang university, tapi ternyata ga selama yang aku bayangkan, hanya 40 menit sudah selesai omong-omong. Padahal masih ada waktu 2 jam lebih sebelum harus kerja. Mau pulang dulu males juga lah nanti malah ga mood keluar. Jadinya jalan-jalan ga jelas sampai pada akhirnya beli minum deh sekaligus memang perlu untuk menangkis ngantuk akibat insomnia berhari-hari ini.

@ Hudsons' Coffee shop near my workplace. Damage cost AU$4.30.

Iya, memang posting ga penting.. Cuma mau pamer aja :), daripada dicomplaint disuruh update mulu.

menutup 2008

Yes i'm back..
Let's hope it's for real, shall we ? :)

Ga terasa sudah 2009 .. It feels like it was just yesterday when I start 2008 with new hope, new wish.. which turned out to be a bad year for me hahahaha..

Yeah, 2008 is not a great year for me, instead it was one of my painful era.
There were a lot of pain, tears, heartaches. Disappointments. Angers.
But I also see 2008 as another time for me to grow more mature.
I learned lots of lessons, in hard way.

And as wise people say, time is the best medicine, it was also time that healed me. As time goes by, I started to realize that I grew stronger, and now I can see the past with smile, although I don't deny that sometimes I feel regrets too :).

I know many of you wondering why I stopped writing in the middle of the year.
Well I had a rough time, so I didn't have time to write in here. And I also think that it was not a good time for me to write because of my conditions, it would only result in bad depressing posts anyway :).
Especially when someone finally said that I'm a fucking idiot, ( i know who you are, anyway ;) ), I was actually thinking of shutting down my blogs for good.

Maybe he's right, wasn't he?
I do sometimes also think that I was an idiot.
I acted based on fear, and irrational feelings, when I actually knew that I shouldn't let my fear took over my judgements.
To be honest, guys... I know that you all probably think of me not in good way in 2008 :) Which is also one of my reasons why I stopped writing, because I was afraid the bad comment would come again.
I don't want to be judged, but I know I also can't control what people think of me.
So if you really think of me in that way, I won't get mad too :). I know I should get it anyway.



And also, I know that I wrote a lot of bad things about him back then. But I hope you won't think of him as bad guy.
Yes, he's violent to me. Yes he treats me badly. Yes he cheated on me and lied to me many times. Yes he was the reason I ruined my life last year. But please don't hate him.
I forgive him.
It was not his mistakes to treat me like that, it was my mistakes. Maybe if I'm stronger or I have better qualities than I do now, those things wouldn't happen.

Well we also had great time together anyway, although not much ;) but I treasured them.


Oh and did i mention that I lost a bunch of weight last year due to the stress and depression? :).
So there is silver lining after all :). Hahaha, at least I can be happy about one thing :).

disturbing pictures

self-injury or self-harm

Self-injury or self-harm is deliberate injury inflicted by a person upon their own body without suicidal intent. These acts may be aimed at relieving otherwise unbearable emotions, sensations of unreality and numbness. The illness is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(DSM-IV-TR) as a symptom of borderline personality disorder and depressive disorders. It is sometimes associated with mental illness, a history of trauma and abuse including emotional abuse, sexual abuse, eating disorders, or mental traits such as low self-esteem or perfectionism, but a statistical analysis is difficult, as many self-injurers conceal their injuries. Self harmers are often mistaken as suicidal, but in the majority of cases this is inaccurate.

A common belief regarding self-injury is that it is an attention-seeking behaviour; however, in most cases, this is inaccurate. Many self-injurers are very self-conscious of their wounds and scars and feel guilty about their behaviour leading them to go to great lengths to conceal their behaviour from others.

Self-injury in such individuals is not associated with suicidal or para-suicidal behaviour. The person who self-injures is not usually seeking to end his or her own life; it has been suggested instead that he or she is using self-injury as a coping mechanism to relieve emotional pain or discomfort.

---- Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-injury)

What is self-harming?

Self-harming is when people cause themselves physical pain that alters their mood state (how they feel inside). Some people harm themselves because they feel disconnected and isolated from everybody, and hurting themselves is the only way they feel real or connected.

Self-harming behaviours can include:

• cutting their skin with knives or any sharp object
• burning their skin
• hitting their body with an object or fists (like punching the wall)
• deliberately falling when doing something like extreme sports
• picking at their skin
• swallowing pills or sharp objects
• pulling at their hair (hair pulling can also be a habit).

Why do people start harming themselves?

Self-harming can be a way that people deal with feelings of:

• helplessness, despair and low self-esteem
• anger, loneliness, shame and guilt
• not having control over their life
• being 'out of it' – so the only way to feel 'real' is to cause physical pain to themselves.

Some self-harm is related to severe emotional pain. When people have experienced abuse or violence, it often re-appears as emotional pain in later life. Some people have said that:

• When they hurt themselves physically, it helps take away the emotional pain.
• Self-harm makes internal pain visible on the surface. It is showing that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
• Self-harm is a way that people punish themselves for something.

People who harm themselves...

• may have difficulty expressing their feelings verbally
• may dislike themselves and their bodies
• may do it because of difficulties with relationships
• may do it because of mental health issues such as depression, anxiety or stress.

---- http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=243&np=293&id=2464

the dysfunctional relationship

I don't know where to begin. Let's see ...
I am a very compromising person, I can cope up with many things. But with Charles, unbelievable, I can't even believe it, it's so hard.
We were like, totally different. And I mean it 180 degrees.
We like different things. We have different point of views.

This relationship's not going smoothly.
We had fight a lot.
Dia mau aku selalu nurut sama dia. Selalu ikutin apa yang dia omong, meskipun terkadang apa yang dia mau bertentangan dengan yang aku pikir.
Yah, my mistake too, most of the time aku memang nurut. Sudah jadi sifat. Tapi to go out with him, extra patience is needed.

I admit, I'm weak. I am a giver in most of my relationship.
And he knows exactly how to use it.

He's controlling. Kalau ada sedikit kesalahan saja, dia gampang banget marah. Dan kalau sudah marah, semua perkataan buruk bisa keluar.
Tapi apa yang aku lakukan buat dia, gak berarti apa-apa buat dia. Kalau aku omong tentang ini, pasti dia bilang aku perhitungan.
Dan memang dia pernah bilang, aku ga bisa berharap untuk dapat sama seperti yang aku kasih.
Iya sih aku tahu memang, kita gak bisa expect orang untuk berubah, atau sayang balik ke kita, etc.

Yah gak setiap hari berantem sih. Terkadang dia baik juga sama aku. Tapi kalau dia sudah marah, he becomes the rudest man I've ever known.

I remember every words he ever said.
Dulu pernah dia bilang dia suka lihat cewe-cewe lain, dan tetep cari cewe lain. Karena dia ingin cobain banyak cewe.
Tapi dia juga ga mau aku pergi, karena dia butuh aku.
Dia juga pernah bilang ga pernah rasain cinta, can you believe that? Isn't it just a bullshit?

Pernah dia bilang suatu malam, dia kira ga ada masa depan buat aku sama dia.
Karena aku gak penuhin "syarat" calon istri dia. Dia bilang mau dapat istri yang 8 tahun lebih muda dari dia, and virgin.
Pernah dia bilang, kalau virginity is important. Dan temannya juga bilang begitu sih, Andy pernah bilang ke aku kalau Charles punya banyak mantan.
Dan yang dia memang suka dan sayangin, ya cuma sedikit. They're virgins.
Kalau aku tanya kenapa dia begitu, dia bilang dia baik-baik dan gombalin supaya dapat virginnya, bukan karena serius pacaran.
Dia bahkan pernah omong dan minta aku untuk bantuin dia dapetin virginnya temen-temenku.
Katanya kalau aku bisa bantu, aku bisa lebih berarti buat dia, karena bantuin dia dapet apa yang dia mau. Tapi gimana coba aku bisa bantuin begitu?
Jadi akhirnya dia bilang, yah bantuin aja dengan gimana caranya supaya bisa deketin cewe, karena aku cewe, tahu apa yang cewe mau.
Atau dia akan usaha sendiri, dan aku gak boleh ganggu.

Bahkan sewaktu tahu Mellissa sudah jadian sama Aris, dia salahin aku.
Why? Karena katanya aku ada bilang ke Mellissa kalau aku jadian sama dia.
Which is wrong for him, dia gak suka dan ga mau admit kita ini pacaran ke orang lain.
Coba saja tanya ke dia, dia punya cewe atau gak, atau tanya apa aku ini pacarnya. Dia akan jawab gak, dan aku adalah temen.
Pernah aku tanya soal ini, dan dia jawab ga perlu omong-omong ke orang lain.
Yah dia ada juga sih beberapa orang yang dia akuin aku sebagai cewenya, tapi ya ke orang-orang yang jarang ketemu sama dia.

Aku gak boleh banyak tanya ke dia. Katanya pertanyaan-pertanyaanku itu mengganggu.
Dia ada bilang jangan expect dia untuk cinta sama aku. Dia ga akan nikahin aku.

One day, aku pergi ke Fitness First untuk cancel membership. Aku berangkat sudah agak telat, buru-buru takut missed appointment dengan staff FFnya.
Karena aku jalan buru-buru, aku jalan duluan di depan. Then he lost me, dia belok naek eskalator. Aku omong dari bawah eskalator kalau aku naek dulu ya di elevator.
Tapi ternyata dia gak dengar, dan sudah mulai emosi.
Di FF mulai dia bicara kasar, kata-katain aku. Gimana aku jelek, muka kaya tai, trus usir aku, katanya gadis idaman dia sudah balik dari liburan.
Yah dia memang sering keluarin kata usir aku kalau marah-marah.

Suatu hari, kita berantem gede banget, aku beneran keluar dari rumah dia, dan balik ke apartmentku.
Tapi malamnya dia jadi baek lagi dan memang dia akuin dia butuh aku.

Mungkin memang itu kali yah dia tetep sama aku. Karena memang dia butuh aku, aku bisa kasih temenin dia, urus dia, bersih-bersih apartment, cuci baju, masak, belanja.
Pembantu yah? Haha..

Pernah juga dia kata-katain aku, hatiku busuk, licik, cuma bikin dia susah dan stres saja. Aku ga berharga, mending kalau aku cantik, tapi aku sudah jelek, muka kaya tai atau cibai, masih banyak tingkah,
badan kaya babi, lambat, malas, ga bisa bangun pagi, ga virgin, udah pernah aborsi juga, gak bakal ada yang mau sama aku, karena pelacur saja lebih baik dari aku.


Terkadang dia pukul aku, atau tendang aku. Gak sampai sakit banget dan memar-memar begitu sih, but still ...

Dia memang bilang gak masalah juga kalau aku pergi. Kalau ada aku, dia bahagia kok. Karena katanya dia memang suka aku.
Tapi kalau aku pergi, ga papa juga. It makes me feel I'm nothing. I feel unwanted, dan kesannya seakan-akan aku yang maksa dia untuk tetep sama aku. I have to stop this.

Aku harus jadi cewe baik-baik saja ke dia. Nurut, dan gak banyak menuntut. Gak minta dan berharap macem-macem.


Dan masih banyak lagi sih sikap keras dan kasarnya ke aku.

I know, dan pasti kalian sudah capek bilangin aku harus lepasin dia.
Hmm.. the truth is, the reason I'm still staying, is because I'm scared.
Yes, can. You're right.
I'm scared.
I've been alone for a while, and I'm telling you, it's not nice to be lonely.
Eventhough it hurts me, it still feels nice to have somebody.
Ya ya, this is a wrong reason to stay, and I'm trying hard now to get out from this situation.

Akhir-akhir ini dia pergi. Dia pergi jalan-jalan ke Hk dan Canada mengunjungi keluarga jauhnya.
Sekarang sih dia ada di Jakarta. Aku masih di tempat dia, karena aku gantiin rent kamar dia. Sampai dia balik kesini.
Lately I've been thinking, memang aku harus cari apartment baru dan pindah dari sini.
Hmm.. Entah mengapa, aku merasa dia memang cuma cari aku pas ada butuh aja. I confronted him about this finally few days ago.
Lebih sering aku yang cari dia. Sewaktu dia di HK atau di Canada, aku masih bisa maklum kalau dia memang sibuk jalan-jalan.
Tapi dia sekarang di Jakarta, dan alasan dia kenapa dia gak sering sms, karena dia nyetir.
Katanya aku sms dia pas dia nyetir. Kalau dibales, aku banyak tanya. Gak makes sense kan? Apa salah kalau kita mau tahu orang yang kita sayangin sedang apa? Toh aku gak cari dia tiap jam begitu.

Aku bilang apa dia nyetir 24 jam, gak mungkin kan. Ga ada 5 menit gitu untuk cari aku.
Entahlah. It blew up into a huge fight again.

And I've finally said my goodbye.
Sudah 2 hari ini aku berusaha nahan diri gak cari dia. It's hard, but I know I have to.

and the attraction begins

Okay, before i begin, i just want to say that what i am about to write here, might seem bizarre to some of you, and probably you'd see me in negative way after. But i'm sorry i don't need your judgement..

+++++++

It happened so fast. I don't know when it started exactly, but straightaway I felt I'd like to be around him. He seemed so sincere, likes to help people, and maybe the one thing that made me attracted to him was, he knows what he wants, dalam arti tegas dan gak plin-plan, gak suka menunda pekerjaan.

The next day, 29th Dec, he was helping out another friends, who were moving out because their contract ended on the end of the year. I had nothing to do, so I was also helping out a bit.

I didn't know whether he's attracted to me or not, and my feeling wasn't really strong either, so I didn't do anything. But at night, when he came to Andy's apartment, I was watching TV with Candy, he began asking me about private things, like my ex boyfriends, how they were, what happened,etc. And at one point, he asked me, he wanted to kiss me. I said, why?
I forgot how the conversation went after that, all I remember is moments later, he kissed me.

So we were making out. We almost had sex, but I didn't want to because he didn't have any condom with him.

I realized it was really fast, it was too soon, and really seemed so easy. And things that come so easy must not be good.
So the next day, when we were at it again, i told him i really didn't want to do it, because he wasn't my boyfriend. Eventually he said ya kita pacaran loh. But i knew it was wrong, and i begged him to stop. He got mad, because he thought i was misleading. The day before I wanted to do it, but just because he didn't have any condom, and now I said different excuse.
I tried to explain to him that it was really hard being misjudged by others and i didn't want to do things that can make people think of me in a bad way again. I cried.
And he eventually left.

The next day, new year's eve, i felt terrible for what happened the night before. I don't know, maybe I was lost, I couldn't think straight, because of my family problems, and I had to lose Candy, everything made me couldn't think properly. New year's eve night, I spent with him, Andy, and Andy's friend (Awi), in Yarra Bridge, waiting for fireworks. I took Candy along, and she was afraid of the fireworks. It was cute but kinda annoying too, 'cause she kept trying to run away, she's so afraid of the fireworks sound, that me and Andy had to hold her tight and close her ears in turn.

When we got home, apparently there are some of Andy's friends coming and brought some drinks, and they were drinking until late. When everybody went home, Charles left too. I thought he's not coming back and still mad at me, but apparently he left his mobile phone so I knew that he'd come back.

We did have sex on that night. All I could think was, this guy has helped me so much, maybe this is the way of me paying him back, as I couldn't offer anything else. I know, it's wrong. But well, i wasn't in a good condition at that time. At some point he did mention that we're in a relationship, but i know i can't hope too much from the relationship that begins purely by physical attractions.

I knew i shouldn't be so naive, to actually hope that he'd love me. He's attracted to me, physically. He probably only wants to sleep with me. And my mistake is, I lost control. I've let myself caring for him more and more. I did many mistakes, some of them are huge, just because I don't want to lose him. I thought by doing them, I can still be with him. Little did I know that they don't guarantee he'd be around forever.

I can't tell exactly what I had done in these past months for him, as they were too private.

But maybe i can tell about him and how i felt lately ...

+ to be continued +

what happened back then ..

I know I've been abandoning this blog for a while, my apology..
So many things happened, and i didn't have any chance to write them here..

So what happened back then were..

* i didn't have a happy and peaceful holiday back in my home country.. berantem ama nyokap terus, sampai at some point we didn't talk to each other..
Aku sebenernya tahu sih aku salah. Semua berawal dari Candy. Mama ga suka aku pelihara Candy, apalagi Candy ada kotorin karpet. Dan yah because the fact that aku gak lulus2 juga. Mungkin dia kira aku banyak main-main dan gak serius. She didn't know the reality that I've been dealing with depression and it really affected me in a bad way. And if I didn't have Candy, I might die since long time ago.
Yah lalu she refused to pay my apartment rent fee. Ditunda-tunda mulu, setelah ini lah, setelah itu lah, lalu sampai setelah ko yuki married lah, sampai pada akhirnya aku capek juga ngomong. Percuma juga omong karena at that time, nothing can be said. She hates my guts, and I hate her too.
I was thinking of giving up, seriously. To have a suicide attempt really became my option.
So we didn't talk to each other until the end, she was planning to take a trip to Taiwan with her sister's family on 26th Dec, she totally forgot that I was supposed to leave the next day to Melbourne.

* So then aku bener-bener pulang ke Melbourne on 27th Dec, without saying goodbye to my mom. My brother and sister-in-law said that they would help me to talk to my mom, but i know it'd be hard. They said if my mom was still stubborn, not wanting to support me again here, they'd leave home to. But they can survive even without my mom, but I can't. So i came back to Melbourne, with nothing prepared. All I can think about at that time was, I wanted to take and see Candy again. My condition at that time, I was really prepared to die. I only had few money left, dan uang rent apartment belom terbayar, so I couldn't stay at my apartment. I only can bring my luggage and Candy. I had nowhere to go. If I didn't get any help, I was planning to give Candy up to shelter, and suicide.

I don't have many friends left, and the ones that are still here couldn't help me. Then, i don't know i can call it miracle or what, something happened.
I prayed to God. tuhan, aku ga ada jalan keluar. aku gak tahu harus ngapain. aku ga ada tempat tujuan, ga ada teman, ga ada harapan lagi. kumohon bantu aku, karena kalau tidak, aku benar-benar ga ada jalan keluar dan satu-satunya yang ada di pikiranku adalah giving up.

Then, he came. Out of nowhere.

Aku nyampe Melbourne pagi hari. Agent apartment datang baru sore hari. Jadi aku masih ada waktu masuk ke apartment, dan nyalain messenger.

Suddenly he IMed me. Setelah sekian lama tidak kontak sama sekali.
His name is Charles Tham. I knew him few years ago, in 2006. At that time, i was moving, to Renata's apartment, so i needed a removalist. He was working as a removalist at that time, and Renata told me about him. So I hired him, but that's it. We didn't talk much, baik in person or in messenger. I was a customer of his mom's catering business, so I saw his mom a lot, but I rarely met him.

So anyway, i was really surprised. He messaged me and helped me to find temporary stay, I thanked God for him.
Maybe this is the reason I'm still sticking with him until now, eventhough all people said i shouldn't be with him. (more in this later...)
Aku berhutang banyak ke dia, kalau dia ga ada waktu itu, mungkin aku sudah ga ada sekarang ini.


Jadi setelah aku dikickout sama agent dari apartment, aku gak tahu mesti kemana. Ga ada tempat tujuan, dan hanya bawa satu koper dan Candy. Dan ga ada yang bisa ditumpangin.
Charles contacted me, he said ada temannya yang bisa ditumpangin. So he picked me up around 10 pm, after he's finished with FA, and after visiting some of his friends, i stayed at his friend's apartment.

Andy Maslan is his name. He's a good guy, he allowed me to stay at his place, eventhough he didn't know me, apparently Andy and Charles were best friends. And he liked Candy, so it was really a relief for me.

So i stayed at his place for sometime. Housemates nya Andy lagi holiday, so it was okay for me to stay there for some days. Masih lom ada kabar bagus dari koko, koko dan ce erni masih berusaha maksa mama untuk come into her senses and ngalah. In the other side, my mom wanted me to give Candy up. And it was really the hardest thing I've ever had to do. After giving my baby up, i kinda see Candy as my baby, i loved her very much.

Anyway, about my mom, yah pokoknya she's willing to support me again, as long as I give Candy up. Hmm.. So Candy's basically with Andy now. Right now it's just impossible for me to take care of her, sadly. It breaks my heart not being able to take care of her, but what can I do?

Okay.. More about Charles.. He keeps me company most of the time, he even stayed over too at Andy's apartment. Mungkin karena di apartment dia ga ada kamar kali ya, his parents came over for his graduation. So I guess kita mulai deket dari situ. But like the old saying, easy comes easy goes... It doesn't really like what I was hoping to be ...

- to be continued -

Private Setting

For some reasons, I have to make some changes. Mulai Feb 2008, blog ini akan jadi private blog.

Siapa yang masih mau baca tentang aku, just contact me in a week to get access to this blog :D.

+ nancy_nanz@hotmail.com +

dilemma - 01

what would you do if someone you care about told you, that he/she would leave you one day...

he/she needs you right now.. but one day, he/she might find another person, who's more attractive than you, and leave you..

would you still want to be with him/her, to support him/her during his/her difficult times, despite knowing that what you do to him/her might be useless and you'd have to let him/her go..?



sometimes there are some people who are so unlucky in love... *sigh*

on the verge of breaking down - 03

Hari ini tanggal 4 Desember.

The wedding is on 9th.

Not mine, of course.

My 2nd brother's.

That's the reason I came back home a while ago, which now if I could choose, I'd rather not.

Masih 5 hari lagi. Bertahan ya, Nan. Masih ada 5 hari lagi. Mau gimanapun kamu masih ada kewajiban harus hadir. Tahan ya, Nan. Setelah itu, udah.

Sudah jalan 2 minggu sejak aku pulang, and my condition's getting worse.

Sebenarnya aku udah ga ada keinginan untuk nglakuin apapun.

Setiap hari aku ngrasa capek. Pasti gak ada yang percaya karena sebenarnya aku gak ngapa-ngapain seharian, yang pada akhirnya juga aku yang dijudge seenaknya sendiri.Entahlah. Aku sendiri juga udah capek untuk mencoba lagi. Gak bakal ada orang disini yang akan mau mengerti aku.
Kenapa aku memilih memendam sendiri dan tidak bercerita atau omong kalau aku bermasalah dengan mereka ?

Hmm.. Karena aku tahu pada akhirnya gak ada yang berubah. Ada juga aku yang disalahin.

Hhhh... Cuma disini aku bisa nulis dan cerita.I feel lonely. Meskipun aku berada di rumah dan tengah-tengah keluarga. Tapi aku merasa seperti orang asing.
Kalau bisa memilih, tentunya aku gak mau merasa seperti ini. Tapi mau apa lagi, toh semua sudah terlambat.Aku udah gak tahu musti nulis gimana yah. Terlalu banyak kalimat di otakku yang berjejalan ingin keluar, dan aku gak tahu yang mana duluyang harus aku pilih untuk keluar dulu untuk ngejelasin kenapa aku merasa apa yang aku rasa sekarang.


Hari ini aku dikatain lagi. Meh.. udah biasa sih. Jadi sebenarnya aku sendiri jg udah capek untuk dengerin.Tapi ada yang baru kali ini. I found out that my oldest bro once said some things about me.Yang membuatku berpikir, mungkin kokoku yang lain juga berpikiran sama.Mungkin semua orang juga berpikiran sama.Mungkin memang bener.Aku orang yang gak berguna. I am and will always be a failure. Meh.. What can I do?

Mungkin... memang lebih baik aku tidak ada ya...


I feel hopeless. Saat ini aku cuma bisa lihat 2 pilihan.Antara lebih baik mati, atau tinggalin keluarga ini...It's gonna be rough, I know. And maybe I won't survive out there, tapi sama saja. Tinggal pun aku rasanya pengen mati.
Terserah lah orang-orang disini mo anggep aku egois kek, childish kek, mereka toh gak ngerti gimana rasanya jadi aku.

on the verge of breaking down - part 02

Hmm.. let's see..
If I don't update this blog for the next 2 weeks or so, consider this post as the last one. Even, consider this post as my will, as probably I'm not gonna be around anymore.
I am not trying to scare anyone, it's just what I thought the best way in my situation.
Don't tell me that I'm not supposed to commit suicide with whatever reasons, because I know about all those reasons. But you don't know me, you don't know how I feel, so please don't lecture me.
Yeah maybe I'm a coward, but I don't know if I can take it anymore. I've lost all my hopes and dreams, and now the last thing that keeps me going will also be taken away from me.

I can't blame anyone, I guess maybe this is how my life goes. This is not how I pictured my life would be. I don't know where it got wrong. I wish I can have Doraemon's time machine or maybe have ability like Hiro Nakamura, I really wish I can turn back time and change everything.

I hate myself for has gotten myself into this situation.
I have nothing else in my life to keep living on for.
I've reached a point where I just wanna die.

I don't give a shit anymore whether I am gonna live, or die, I don't care.
I know I've been keeping it to myself, because I'm ashamed to admit it. I'm ashamed to everyone if I show my weak side. But I can't keep it in any longer.
I've had major depression going on in my life and I'm still dealing with it.
But it just gets worse and worse.

Family ? I don't care about them.
I hate my mother, to be honest. She's driving me crazy. I can't win with her.
I am always gonna be a failure in her eyes. No matter what I do.
I envy all of you, who have such great relationships with your moms. I don't. I hate mine.
She can never understand how I feel. She thinks she's always right. And she doesn't care about my feelings.
She doesn't care I'm crying, because she always thinks she's right.
Maybe she doesn't even care if I die.
Yeah, I'm sure about it. Because I remember her saying that her dream was actually not to get married and working her ass off so that she could travel the world.

For her, I'm always a good-for-nothing kid. Can't do anything, always spending her money.
And I'm tired of trying to proof it's not right, I just can't take it anymore. If she thinks I'm a failure, then let it be. I'll grant her wish. I don't care anymore.

What kind of mom who sees her daughter never smiles, and never asks why, but only assumes that her daughter is an arrogant ? Geez mom, wake up ! I can't smile because of you !
You think everything's alright, huh ? Well guess what, it's not !

I grew up with constant fear of you. Do you think it's healthy ? It's not :)
Is it normal for kids fear of their parents ??
Why do you think your kids don't want to be around you ?
You always assume because we didn't get proper "Chinese" education, and "Indonesian" education didn't teach us about respect to the parents. HAH !
You wanna know the truth ?
Because we're tired of your constant pressure, nagging, criticism, threats, and the way you're thinking that you're always right !
You never even once praised me, all you did are pointing out my flaws.
You said it's being humble ? NOOO.. There's a big difference between "rendah diri" and "menghina".

So yeah.. all of you, be grateful you don't have my mom..

Well I don't have much time anymore, I guess I just want to say thank you to all of you guys, for well at least admitting that you know me and for reading my blogs. I'm sorry I can't give you something good to read.

on the verge of breaking down - part 01

My mom came 2 days ago.. and will be here until the day I go home..
And yes, as always.. she's driving me crazy..




I don't know how much longer I can take...



God, please give me strength to carry on.......

my 'baby' is not well ..

My poor "baby" =(
my dearest thing ..

why would you do this to me ... ?

It's perfectly clear that I really need you and you know it, so why do you reject me ?
Please forgive me if I haven't given you a really good care .. But don't scare me like this ..

Now that you're sick, I don't know what to do anymore..
You won't talk to me, you don't give me any clue what to do.. All you showed me was your rejection to what I've asked you to do..

Please give me a clue, so that you're not mad at me anymore, and we can be best friends again .. =(

PC ku sayang, PC ku malang..
Sudah beberapa minggu ini PC ku ngambek..
Pertama aku pikir ada masalah di anak kedua, External Harddisk-ku..
Anakku yang setia menyediakan tenaga dan otaknya untuk menyimpan segala hiburanku..
Suatu ketika di pagi hari yang dingin, aku bangun untuk mendapati dia tidak lagi berfungsi..

Minggu demi minggu dilalui dengan rasa frustasi, marah, kecewa, emosi tinggi..
Semua disebabkan karena satu kalimat..

Sebuah kalimat dalam balon tertulis "Usb device not recognized"..


Segala cara telah kulakukan .. Seluruh penjuru Google telah kulalui..
Tak kutemukan jawaban yang berarti..
Ketika aku mulai menyerah, dan mulai berpikir jika memang aku bernasib buruk
dalam hal memiliki external harddisk,
(soalnya pernah punya dulu tapi rusak (-___-)a )
4 hari yang lalu kutemukan jawabannya, ketika ku mencoba untuk mengakses "anakku" yang lain..

My digicam..
Anakku yang siap setiap saat untuk merekam apa yang menurutku indah..
Yang tidak pernah bermasalah dengan anak pertama..

Ternyata anak pertama mengalami krisis kepercayaan..
Dimana dia menolak untuk berhubungan dengan semuanya..
Dimana dia tidak perduli dan menghiraukan semua yang ingin berkoneksi dengannya..


Iya ..
Semua colokan USB di CPU, menjadi tidak berfungsi..
Karena mau dicolok apapun juga, jawabannya sama..

"Usb device not recognized"

Efek samping :

• Kegiatan download terhenti, karena anak kedua tidak bisa diakses.
• Kegiatan blogging terhambat, karena bahan cerita jadi tidak bisa dipost, karena anak ketiga tidak bisa diakses.
• Tidak bisa lagi update theme dan ringtone handphone, karena USBnya jg tidak bisa diakses.

Yang lagi sedih dan stres,

What it feels like ....

From today's MX newspaper, I found something that interest me.

Oxygen a breath so vital


Want to know what it's like to die? This week's New Scientist discusses the possibilities, from being burned alive to drowning and decapitation.

Whatever the mode, it's usually a lack of oxygen to the brain that is the cause, the report says, using evidence from scientific advances and accounts from survivors.

Drowning : Survivors have said there is a "tearing and burning" sensation as water enters the lungs, followed by a feeling of calm. Oxygen deprivation results in loss of consciousness, the heart stopping and brain death.

Bleeding to death : Marked by several stages of "haemorrhagic shock". Anyone losing 1.5 litres felt weak, thirsty and anxious. Losing two litres led to dizziness, confusion and eventual unconsciousness.

Fire : Burns inflict intense pain and only boost pain sensitivity as superficial nerves are destroyed.

Decapitation : Painless but consciousness can continue briefly. Experts calculate the brain may function for seven seconds.

Electrocution : A household shock might stop the heart, leading to unconsciousness in about 10 seconds. Higher currents through the heart or brain can mean almost immediate unconsciousness, but it has been claimed electrocuted prisoners diedfrom heating of the brain or suffocation.

Fall : Survivors reported the sensation of time slowing down.

Heart attack : A "squeezing" chest pain or pressure is the common symptom. onsciousness is lost in about 10 seconds, with death minutes later.

Now I know what Marie Antoinette felt when she was decapitated. I used to think that decapitation is really cruel, but apparently it's painless. Interesting. So it's not really cruel then. I begin to think that it's actually really good. Painless death.
Well unless the tool is blunt, and it's not done in one swing. Could end up like Nearly Headless Nick. Ouch .. must be really painful.

I always say, I don't want to die from drowning and fire. The corpse always looks terrible. =p. Oooh and of course from fall. I don't want my organs to be splattered on the ground. Must be difficult to collect the remains. And there's a possibility I might lost a small part of my body, right ? =p

The others are painful too....

So decapitation is the best way to die, isn't it ? Interesting ....

B'day dinner @ Blue Fire

On 12th October, after work.

We three, me, Utie, Lillian, went back to city to meet with Mellissa & Arum to have dinner. They didn't know at first that I want to treat them, because I want it to be spontaneous.

This is me and Lillian.



Me and Mellissa, Utie, Arum.



The restaurant is located at Melbourne Central Shopping Centre, level 3, beside Hoyts Cinema Ticket Booth.
It's pricey of course, because it's a fine-dining restaurant. But the food's great.

My drink : Choc Rock ( chocolate milkshake ).




My food :
Porterhouse 280gm steak with mushroom and garlic jus served with potato gratin and roast field mushrooms.




Utie's order :
Rib eye 350gm steak with mushroom and garlic jus served with potato gratin and roast field mushrooms.




Our shared entree :
Truffle scented mushroom and caramelized onion tartlet.




Lillian's order :
Char-grilled Marlin steak over warm nicoise style vegetables with tomato pesto.
She said it's good but dry.




Mellissa's order :
Grilled whole flounder with caper butter sauce & garlic chat potatoes.




Arum's order :
Pan seared chicken breast over potato puree & semi dried tomatoes with sage jus.

I ate big that night, so full.
Thanks girls, I had a great night.

Thank you ...

A big thank you for all these people for still remembering my birthday :


@ Yahoo! Messenger
+ Eric Tumbelaka ( the very first person who congratulate me .. )
+ Herman Sam
+ Sanny Iskandar ( cacan ) *muach muach...*
+ Hodrick Kwan ( WarBreaker )
+ Juwono Dj
+ Yoseph


@ DOMO Indo
+ Felix H. yang sampe nulis di Guild Announcement.
+ dan semua anak-anak guild Yellow Turban yang waktu itu nyelametin, gak hafal siapa aja (^^)v

@ Handphone
+ My beloved mom ..
+ My beloved brothers ..
+ Sally Purnama
+ Mellissa Hidajat
+ Onny Hermadi
+ Roland

@ MSN Messenger
+ Huan
+ Sylvia
+ Jessica Tsang

@ Email & Kaskus
+ bot Kaskus (*lho??*) yang otomatis kirim email ke orang yang ultah .. makasih admin ..
+ azrita
+ totti11

@ Friendster
+ Felix lagi ..
+ Shidiq Junaidi
+ Rony
+ Mitra
+ Prabawa Brodjonegoro
+ Antonny
+ Mona
+ Tommy Tri
+ Mirzha Arista



Hmm... Kayanya udah. Semoga gak ada yang ketinggalan.
I really appreciate it. It's a small gesture, but really means a lot for me.
Thank you.

Semoga amal ibadahnya diterima di sisi-Nya. *lho???*

Yang gak inget, semoga jatuh kepleset pisang. Mwahahahaha......

I'm tagged ... =)

Being tagged by Dita, to tell some facts about me. I gotta say, I'm not sure at first about what to tell. Spent quite some time to think about it.

Okay, here we go....

Rules :

• Each blogger must post these rules
• Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves
• Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
• Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged and to read your blog.

8 Habits:

1. I have sweet tooth. Can't resist dessert. Especially chocolate. ( No wonder I'm fat ... (-__-;) )
2. I chew on straws. I don't know when it started, it's really long time ago, and why. Maybe I just like to play with it.
   
3. I do things slowly. I don't like to rush. Sometimes I'm also procrastinating. One thing about me that my mom really hates. =(
   
4. I like reading. I can read anything.
5. I like to have cold drinks better.
   
6. Maybe because I can't have any food or drink that's hot. I like to wait for it to cool down or blow to it first before I consume it.
7. I can sleep in every position, but mostly I sleep on my side. Especially on my left side.
8. I like to observe people. So I often look around. Even in the restaurant. I know some people find it a bit rude when someone doesn't look at them when talking, but sometimes I do that. I will look at them when I talk to them, but after a while, I sometimes look around.
   

People whom I want to tag are:

I don't know.. Everybody who reads my blog deh.... (@_@)


Can you believe I spent almost 2 hours to write about these things ? (o_O)

One night in Zipang ....

In the suburb where I work, Hampton, there is a small Japanese restaurant called Zipang. I bold the small word because it's really really small. Inside there are only space for 3 tables, which can hold maybe 10 people. I guess they focus more in take-aways. But there are also tables outside, which is really not an option actually in winter, because it's really cold in the suburb, much colder than in city.

It's located right across the station, so I passed it everytime I go to work. It's only open for short time though, I think it's open for lunch hour, and then closed around 3. Then re-open for dinner time. That's why I can only go there at night after work.

So at 25/09, we went there to have dinner. It was full, we have to wait for some time because it's really busy and there are only 2 staffs there. We were placed outside, but thankfully after a while, a table finished, and we could get inside.

The food is good, not so bad. Kinda pricey for small portions, but well it's Japanese restaurant. Most of them are like that.

I ordered sashimi and gyoza, and I took pictures of them because they looked good.

Large McDonald's Quarter Pounder Meal

Aku bisa dibilang, sering banget beli McDonald's disini. Cinta mati euy.
Biarin deh, gendut-gendut deh. Enak banget sih.

My fave, pasti selalu beli ini.
Large Quarter Pounder Meal. Hampir gak pernah deh beli yang lain. Malah kadang nambah Large Fries. Friesnya McD enak banget (*_*).

foto makanan

selama 2 minggu yang lalu, karena bokek.. cuma masak sekedarnya..

dinner irit
Cah Kangkung .. Telor Mata Sapi .. Minumnya Fanta Orange :D


sarapan irit
Roti Bakar pake Nutella / Meises Coklat, dikasih susu kental manis di atasnya...


Waktu ada tambahan duit sedikit, beli ayam deh sekilo. Masak Curry Ayam, cepet dan gampang. Eh tapi ternyata berasnya abis, jd makan pake Mashed Potato deh.


Oya, dessert. Pudding Coklat + Saus Vla Putih, yang agak keenceran karena kebanyakan air. Tapi tetep enak kok ;p.